Admiration optional...
Is it really so demanding for a girl to be given the odd compliment from her boyfriend? Apparently so... After a small heated discussion (more from my end) over the weekend, I mentioned again that I never get compliments from Boi. Never get told I'm beautiful/sexy/looking good etc. All I get is 'pretty Kitty' in a light-hearted way. Even when we went out one Saturday night, and I'd made extra effort and thought I was looking good, I didn't get one comment. I like to look good for me, and I like to look good for Boi, but it goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Boi says he assumes I know that he thinks I'm gorgeous, as he wouldn't be here if I wern't. Ok, well thanks for that, but is where's the harm in telling me that every so-often? He knows I have a low opinion of myself, but yet still I get nothing.
I did get a kind of compliment last night - he was sitting staring at me, and when asked why, he said something about being because I'm pretty... It wasn't much, but better than nothing.
I feel awful for thinking it, but I so miss how J used to look at me, smile, and tell me I was beautiful. I never believed it, but it felt so good to think that someone actually thought it. I guess I got used to being told things like that, and now I haven't got it, I miss it. I know Boi loves me, but it'd be nice to get an odd compliment occasionally. Guess I'll just have to put up with how things are, as they don't look like they're ever going to change. The only thing I can hope is that maybe if I can lose some weight (which again is becoming an issue for me), and get back to being somewhat slim (not size 0 - eugh!), he'll notice and maybe then I'll get some compliments... One can only hope...
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Anyway - regarding the whole porn episode, we talked about it, and now he's realised how much of an issue it is for me (and I've realised, it really is a big issue), he'll stop looking at things like that. I know what you're thinking, he'll still look at stuff, only hide it better and not tell me. I have that suspicion too, but I do believe he honestly doesn't want to hurt me, and won't. He knows now that I find out even the smallest of things, so he knows if he does, it's the end for us. It won't stop me checking, at least occasionally, just to make sure I'm not being messed around. But if I can prove to myself that I'm simply being paranoid, then I won't need to look anymore, and can trust him 100%. Then all my insecurities will go away, and I can stop tormenting myself with the 'what-ifs'. I know what it's like to be a liar. To tell people what they want to hear, with the best intentions that you're only doing it so you don't hurt them. I know how it works, so I just can't help being suspicious if I know someone has lied to me. It's so easy to do it again without meaning to. I hope Boi is different. What we have is fantastic, and I don't want anything to screw that up. Thank god he's understanding and doesn't seem to be put off by my emotional breakdowns every so-often. He actually seems to want me to unload on him if I ever need to. I've never been able to talk to someone like I can with him. I can't lose him... It'd kill me...
I did get a kind of compliment last night - he was sitting staring at me, and when asked why, he said something about being because I'm pretty... It wasn't much, but better than nothing.
I feel awful for thinking it, but I so miss how J used to look at me, smile, and tell me I was beautiful. I never believed it, but it felt so good to think that someone actually thought it. I guess I got used to being told things like that, and now I haven't got it, I miss it. I know Boi loves me, but it'd be nice to get an odd compliment occasionally. Guess I'll just have to put up with how things are, as they don't look like they're ever going to change. The only thing I can hope is that maybe if I can lose some weight (which again is becoming an issue for me), and get back to being somewhat slim (not size 0 - eugh!), he'll notice and maybe then I'll get some compliments... One can only hope...
Anyway - regarding the whole porn episode, we talked about it, and now he's realised how much of an issue it is for me (and I've realised, it really is a big issue), he'll stop looking at things like that. I know what you're thinking, he'll still look at stuff, only hide it better and not tell me. I have that suspicion too, but I do believe he honestly doesn't want to hurt me, and won't. He knows now that I find out even the smallest of things, so he knows if he does, it's the end for us. It won't stop me checking, at least occasionally, just to make sure I'm not being messed around. But if I can prove to myself that I'm simply being paranoid, then I won't need to look anymore, and can trust him 100%. Then all my insecurities will go away, and I can stop tormenting myself with the 'what-ifs'. I know what it's like to be a liar. To tell people what they want to hear, with the best intentions that you're only doing it so you don't hurt them. I know how it works, so I just can't help being suspicious if I know someone has lied to me. It's so easy to do it again without meaning to. I hope Boi is different. What we have is fantastic, and I don't want anything to screw that up. Thank god he's understanding and doesn't seem to be put off by my emotional breakdowns every so-often. He actually seems to want me to unload on him if I ever need to. I've never been able to talk to someone like I can with him. I can't lose him... It'd kill me...
Posted in the darkness ~
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