Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Saturday, August 28, 2010

Fucked up, for a change...

What the fuck is wrong with me...?! Seriously, I'm fucked up in the head...

My bf is still friends with his ex, and it's making my some paranoid, jealous psycho... and there's nothing, absolutely fuck all, to suggest anything other than a few friendly comments have gone on, or ever will go on... So what the hell is my problem?!!

Of course a dream I had a few weeks back hasn't helped much... I dreamt I was having a drink with Boi, sat outside some coffee place. We were chatting, and she turned up. Boi asked her to join us, despite my protests. They start chatting... then remembering stuff that happened when they were together, remembering the happy memories and good time, forgetting the reasons they broke up, until I'm sat miles away, just watching them laughing and joking... I've been forgotton about... No-one even notices I've not been there for hours... And I can see it in their eyes that they want to be together....

I woke up about then, but it was one of those dreams that you remember vividly. Not only that, but it keeps playing in my mind. Over and over. I can't stop it, and everytime it plays, the laughing and joking gets more flirty than friendly...

At the moment, it's ok. She lives back up where he used to live in Scotland. But we've already said we're going to save up to move there in a couple of years. I don't want to live round the corner from his ex who he's still friends with... It'll drive me insane... But what can I do?! I can't tell him to stop being friends with her - as far as I know the only contact they have is a few comments on FB now and then... not even full-on conversations... that I know of... So what possible reason or excuse do I have for getting upset at all this?? None at all. It's all in my warped mind.

Deep down, I know he loves me. But it doesn't matter how many times he tells me, I still question it. Still wonder if he really loves me as much as I love him. Because I love him so fucking much... He's the only guy I've ever been with who's as much of a best friend as a partner. In the 10 months we've been together, we've argued once. Not only that, but as he's a non-argumentative person who doesn't get pissed off or angry, hr calms me down. Anyone else and the argument would've gone on for a couple of hours, and still have an atmosphere hanging around after. Not with Boi. 10 mins and we'd made up. Now that's an achievement for me lol. We have such a laugh, have the same tastes, same thoughts most of the time. I just couldn't imagine being without him. I just need to know he feels the same... but despite regular 'I love you's, it's never enough... and it should be. I hate thinking it, but I miss how J used to look at me, right into my eyes, and say to me he loved me so much, and it was like I could see into his soul. I knew he meant it. He also used to look at me in the same way and tell me I was beautiful. I always denied it, but he'd say 'honestly, you are - I wish you'd believe me...'. All I've got from Boi is pretty. And that's only been said twice. It is too much to ask to hear something that makes me feel really wanted... really loved... really the one..

I know, I know, people are different. Blokes express themselves in different way, say different things and do different things. And i know I can't have everything. I guess I really hate myself so much, that I can't imagine anyone loving me as much as I love them. And because of that, I expect them to realise they don't, and just leave... Stupid I know. Try telling my head that.

I just wish I could stop all these thoughts. Partly cos it's making me really fucking miserable, and I hate being miserable. But also because I don't want to be all sad and mopey with Boi. I don't want him to think I'm some emotional mess and change his mind about being with me. I certainly don't want him to know just how much of an emptional mess I am. I mean, who wants someone like that?!

I just wish I knew what to do... Thank fuck Boi is on nights on and off this week. I can sit and cry on my own where he doesn't have to see/deal with it. Or maybe him being on nights is just making it worse. I've got more time on my own for my stupid head to carry on thinking fucked up thoughts. Tormenting itself with its own made-up images. At least when Boi is here I can get a reassuring hug or an 'I love you' every so often.

I should talk to him about all this. I know he'll tell me how silly I'm being, and how much he loves me and isn't going anywhere. But if I just hear him say that without knowing how much I need to hear it, it'll be the perfect reassurance I need.

I'm fucked up. It's official.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Long time gone... Part II

Ok so where was I... Oh yeah, catching up on the past 11 months... Though now I have no idea where to start. There's just so many thoughts going round in my head, which one do I pull out first as a starting point...? I don't know. No-one even comes here to read anymore, so what does it matter. I could be writing in complete jibberish and it wouldnt matter. But why should it matter. This space should be for me right, not for you. Not that you exist. But if you did, then this would be for me, not you. Understand? No? Me neither.

Ok, so let's just dive right in. I mean, we've established it makes no difference where the start is, right?

I've noticed recently that everyone is either pregnant or getting married. This is stirring up so many thoughts and emotions it's not even true. Most of those who are pregnant aren't married, and it's a complete accident. I'm old-fashioned when it comes to kids. In my world, people should be married first. Or at least been together more than a couple of years. And unlike my mate and his girlfriend, you should seriously at least be living together. I mean, how irrisponsible can people be?!
It's something I find myself thinking about quite alot. Kids, marriage... I can't see myself ever having either. Kids definately not. I keep thinking maybe as I get older I'll warm to the idea more, and get that maternal instinct or whatever it is. It never happends. Not even slightly. I don't like the idea of being pregnant (well we know what a happy experience that was last time), I certainly don't like the idea of giving birth, and I definately don't like the idea of screaming, pooping, needy babies crying all the time, demanding all of your time 24/7. So I certainly have no intention of kids anytime in the near (or distant) future. Fingers crossed Boi has the same thoughts. I get the impression it's not on his mind, but I've no idea what he wants from the future.
So what about marriage. Well, what about it? It's just a piece of paper right? But every couple gets married. Maybe every couple do it, because every couple do it. I don't know. I don't know where I stand on it. I'm not religious in any way, shape or form. And weddings are supposed to be a religious thing. So how do you have a wedding, that involves no religion at all? You're surely just left with a tacky registry office, that feels like a non-wedding. I know, I've been to some. Even if it was possible to have a big, fancy non-religious wedding, who would want to marry me... Karl did. Well, supposedly he did, but lets face it, he was an alcoholic and was drunk both times he asked me, despite how much he insisted he was serious. At least I was slim and kinda cute and sexy back then. Now? Now I'm fat and lazy, with no motivation, no self confidence, and no friends. Sad huh?
I'm kinda used to having no friends really. I've found it very hard to like people I get to know. There's always reasons why I'd never want to go for a drink with them, or not plan some meal or night out together. Girls are bitches. They judge and they slag off. I do it, so why shouldn't everyone else. I have too much for them to judge and slag off. It would be great to have proper girl friends to hang out with, but how do I get friends at 25, when I have none at all? It's like I'm automatically setting myself up to be judged as 'the sad one'. And lets face it, no-one wants to be friends with 'the sad one'. I can't even make work-friends, as I don't sit near anyone in my office. Well, only the out of hours guys, and there in for 2hrs before I leave. And they're jerks.

I think if I'd have stayed at college, I could've had college friends for life like people do. But I was a loner at college. So, maybe at highschool if I'dve made more friends. But people hated me. Even the 3 'best' friends I had all went to different colleges, and never stayed in touch. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I'm that crazy lady at 80, surrounded by cats and knitting. Well I do like cats, and I can sort of knit... This doesn't look good...

For some reason, Boi loves me. Apparently I'm funny, and according to him, cute. Well if that's enough to keep him then I guess I'm on to an easy thing. Lets just hope he never finds this blog, otherwise he'll realise what a fucking nutcase I am and I won't see him for dust. Who I am now is completely reflective on what's happened in my past. I can see that. But how the hell do I change who I am? How do I forget my fucked-up life to make a better one now?

Urgh, now I just feel worse... Maybe I'll come back to this later...

Monday, August 02, 2010

Long time gone... Part I

Yet again I've left it months since posting. Well, a lot has happened, and I'm feeling the need to vent again, so please try to keep up - this may be a long one...

Well the whole web-dating game didn't go too well - too many liers, stuck-up twats and simple mentalists (wait, is that even possible?). But don't think that I'm still sad and single, oh no. When J and me went to the car show at Stanford hall back in June '09, there was a guy there from the car forum I'm on. We'd chatted on the forum before, and got on really well.
Anyways, after me and J broke up, we talked a lot more, online, texting, and some very long late-night phone calls. He was unemployed at the time, so when I had a week off work, he came down to visit. It was a bit odd at first, as it was only really the 2nd time we'd seen each other in person since 'meeting' on the forum a couple of years back (well his hometown of Elgin out in the far north of Scotland wasn't exactly travelling distance for a night at the cinema). By the time the week was up, we'd kind of decided that he was going to move in... What could we lose by it? He was struggling to find work being in such a remote location, and we loved the week spent together. It was like we'd been best friends for years - thinking the same as the other, finishing sentances etc...
That was back in November. It's now August, and things are still going well. No, more than well. They're awesome. He is like a best friend, with all the fantastic benefits of a partner. Add to that he doesn't get wound up, moody or angry, so that when I get stressed out, he calms me down. Not something I've found anyone else can do.

Things haven't exactly been smooth though. I lost my job in January (ok, not lost, more 'let go'...). So up until about a month ago we've been on benefits, and struggling to pay bills and buy food. It's really been hell on earth. But he's now working at a broadcasting company, and I'm doing an admin job for an IT type place. This will actually be the first month we're in the green with money. It's fantastic not to have the threat of unpaid bills anymore. Lets just hope we never go back there. I couldn't handle it...

So I have another new job (I go through them like socks I know). This one is an admin position - no customer service thank god. I compile reports, book engineers holiday, sort out overtime payments etc. It's fab not talking to customers at all, but I'm bored stupid. When I have stuff to do, it keeps me busy and I've got to stay on top of things to not make mistakes, but if no=one emails me with tasks, I have no work, so I sit bored - clearing out my emails or re-arranging my desktop has slowly become a daily occurance. I do have a company laptop, so I can work from home if needed. I'm the only one in the company who does my job, so if I'm sick, or need to go to an apointment, there's no-one to cover. Plus, as the job is through the on-site recruitment agency, it's on a temperary contract. This doesn't have things like healthcare or a pension. Nor does it have the security of a permanent job. So already I'm looking for a new job. Fingers crossed I get one before I start going crazy.

Well, as Boi works the occasional night shift pattern, I may come back again this week. Writing always seems to help somehow. And there's still so much I need to get out. Not tonight though. It's late, and I need to work tomorrow.