Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Saturday, October 23, 2010

Time and Time Again - Papa Roach

Yes I did it and I'll do it again
It doesn't matter if I am your best friend
I don't think so
You're not that smart
Over and over it breaks my heart
The cycle continues time for your crime
The pain comes back in an ugly design
Her makeup smears
The tears that she cries
Over and over every night

Emotional swords slash my soul
And now the pain takes control
I think about you
I think about me
Think about the way that it used to be
I need a bottle
I need some pills
I need a friend
I need some thrills
A shoulder to cry on a friend to depend on
When life gets rough

Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me
Time and time again
You think about yourself before you think about me

It's like a fight every single day
It's always easy when you have it your way
Deep in my heart
In the depths of my soul
My selfish ways are out of control
I'm sorry that it comes down to this
I punch through the wall as I break my fist
The makeup smears
Tears that we cry
Over and over every night

You're so selfish
You're making me want to end this relationship
You're making me want to end this

Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind
Loving ties unwind
Lost time behind

You can lead a horse to water...

That's it, I've done all I can. I simply cannot make it any clearer. Now it's up to him.

If things carry on as they are though, I'm really going to start dreading November coming round...

At least I have some time to get used to the idea of being single I guess. Be prepared for the heartache, the lonliness, the head-spinning thoughts wondering if I've done the right thing. It has to be better than the constant daily head-spinning continually wondering if I'm good enough. If I actually mean anything to him. If what we have is worth him putting any effort in what-so-ever...

If it was me who screwed up (twice...), I'd be doing everything and anything possible to prove I could/would change. That our relationship is the best thing that'd ever happened to me. That there was no-one else in the world I would ever want. I certainly wouldn't be trying to just forget it like it never happened. How could I when I'd know how much I'd hurt the one person I love more than anything. Knowing I'd caused that would be tearing me up.

I'm hoping it's just a case of different people deal with things in different ways. I'm hoping he listened to me last night. That the words he said wern't just empty noises. I hope, oh I hope so terribly badly that I'm presuming the worst but I'm proved so wrong...

But now it's up to him...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Note to self:

Stop being so damn clingy/needy/etc etc... If he wants you, he'll come to you... He doesn't want you emailing/texting/ringing every 2 mins just cos he hasn't replied to your last email/text/call. Yes you need to feel wanted, yes you need to feel like he's thinking of you - but he has to do it himself otherwise it's pointless. If he doesn't, he aint worth sticking around for...

Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot (ha! I wish...)
Who calls you back when you hang up on him (never hung up on him, but I've shut doors in his face before and he's still come in to see if I'm ok...)
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep (he's always asleep first...)
Wait for the guy who wants to show you off to all of his friends even when you're in you're sweats (for him to want to show me off would require him to have an opinion of me in the first place...)
Who holds you're hand in front of his friends (yeah ok, I'll give him that one)
Wait for the for the one who is constanly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... (yeah I guess...
Who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. (like he tells me I'm pretty anyways...)

Says it all really doesn't it... so why do I love him so fucking much, and can't bare to think of my life without him.... Guess I really am a first class mug...

No-body Knows It But Me... (edited)

I pretend I can believe what you say,
But I'm doubting your words, every minute, every day.
And I'm dying inside,
And nobody knows it but me.

Like a clown I put on a show,
The pain is real even if nobody knows.
And I'm crying inside,
And nobody knows it but me.

How could you look me, straight in the eyes,
And tell me those things, tell me those lies.
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down,
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around.

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and,
I just keep thinking about the love that we had.
And I'm missing you,
And nobody knows it but me.

I carry smile though I'm broken in two,
But I'm nobody without someone like you.
I'm hurting inside,
And nobody knows it but me.

Lie awake, it's a quarter past three,
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me.
Yeah, my heart is calling you,
And nobody knows it but me.

How blue can I get?,
You could ask my heart,
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart.
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel,
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still.

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and,
I just keep thinking about the love that we had.
And I'm missing you,
And nobody knows it but me.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Lie Another Day...

Well that lasted long... The first time in 3 weeks he's home alone while I'm at work, and what does he do? Goes and searches for boobs... Not just any boobs, but for a certain TV presenters boobs. No, I'm not mentioning which one - even I'm embarrassed that he wants to look at that (>_<) So I ring him up to ask him about it, and he denys it! I've found the website and the search (despite him deleting his browser history - proving that he knew he shouldn't be looking at that stuff, and being simply deceitful about it), and he seems to think that lying about it and claiming to have no idea how that ended up on his PC will get him out of trouble... I was that person years ago, so he's lying to the wrong person...

It didn't help that that night when I got home from work, I had a chat with him about how I was still suspicious of what he was up to, and I felt guilty for keep having these insecurities. I felt like I was the one in the wrong, for not believing him, despite having good reason not too. And he sat there, looked me in the eye and swore he hadn't looked at stuff since the first incident. He promised he never would. He even gave me a list of things he did through the day - going into town, playing xbox etc etc - obviously leaving out the part where he was going behind my back... And like a fucking mug I believed him cos he sounded so sincere... But all the time he was sat there secretly laughing at me... knowing he'd fooled me once again. Knowing just hours earlier he had been doing exactly what he promised he wouldn't.

After realising that I knew, he finally came clean about the boob search. Not that he had much choice cos I was ready to hang up on him and set about throwing his PC out the window... Or I would if it didn't weigh as much as a small house... So again I went to bed alone, feeling hurt and angry. I wasn't too upset this time though, that had been replaced by sheer anger. How dare he do this to me!? How dare he not respect me and our relationship enough, to risk it over some woman's boobs!! From then until about dinner time the next day, that was it. For me, it was over. I told him last time that he'd get one second chance, and if he blew it then it was over. Well, he'd blown it. Why the hell should I stay with someone who doesn't deserve me and thinks so little of what we had.

But then I found this website about lying, deception, cheating etc etc. I must of read most of it, but I found myself believing that fixing 'us' could be possible. Sure it would be hard work, and it would take weeks, if not months to build the trust up again. But it could be done.. right? I kicked myself a few times, knowing that I would probably just be setting myself up for yet more heartache... All the advice I'd read was of the opinion you can give them a 2nd chance, but never give a 3rd. But I couldn't just accept that this was it. That what we'd had for the past 11months was over. What we had then was just far too good to simply give up on.

So, after a long conversation last night, we're going to try to fix this. He's realised he has a problem with lying and he knows he has to stop. I think he's realised now that loosing me is not something he wants, and if he does want 'us' to work, he has to change. And now he has to try 100x as hard to earn my trust back. It's not impossible, but it relies completely on him being honest. If he doesn't do things behind my back in the first place, then he won't have a need to lie about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being completely naive about this. I realise there is a very good chance that we might be back having this same conversation in a month. That I'm going to end up hurt and upset yet again, and that it will be my own fault for giving in. That's ok - as long as I'm fully aware of the risks, I can be extra cautious with my heart. I know that I love him more than I've ever loved anyone though. He's my bestest friend, my soul mate. And I know what you think, that even best friends don't treat each other like that. Well I've been the liar in the past. I know what it's like, and I know how hard it is to stop. I can relate to it so well. I guess it's karma coming back on me after what I did years ago. Well ok, ce la vie, I guess it's my task of dealing with it and seeing how it feels from the other side.

So I've given him a deadline... We have a sort-of holiday booked in Perth at the end of November, along with some extra days off work just to spend some time together. He has to prove to me by then that he's committed to this relationship. Prove that he's trying his damned hardest to make this work and to be a better person. And prove to me that I can trust him. If the Perth week comes around, and I don't believe he's trying hard enough, or I have any reason to think he's been lying, whether he's actually done anything or not, he'll be using it as a one-way ticket back to his mums. I'm not messing around this time, and there'll be no other chances. That's it. I knew last time that I'd probably cave if it happened again, and I have. Well this time I know I won't. I'm worth so much more than to be lied to. I'd rather love someone half as much and know I won't be lied to, than love Boi 500% and always be suspicious. He knows that too now.

Now it's up to him. He has to make the conscious decision to change, and actually stick to it. If I'm worth enough to him, he'll do everything possible to make sure he doesn't screw this up. I know that didn't work last time, but this time he had pretty much lost me for about 12-14hrs... I think that might have been the wake-up call he needed.

I'm putting my heart on the line again for the love of my life. I believe it's worth it. I'm not going into this with blinkers on, I know what's at stake.
I also know that if he dare hurts me again, it'll be more than just us breaking up he'll need to worry about...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Admiration optional...

Is it really so demanding for a girl to be given the odd compliment from her boyfriend? Apparently so... After a small heated discussion (more from my end) over the weekend, I mentioned again that I never get compliments from Boi. Never get told I'm beautiful/sexy/looking good etc. All I get is 'pretty Kitty' in a light-hearted way. Even when we went out one Saturday night, and I'd made extra effort and thought I was looking good, I didn't get one comment. I like to look good for me, and I like to look good for Boi, but it goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Boi says he assumes I know that he thinks I'm gorgeous, as he wouldn't be here if I wern't. Ok, well thanks for that, but is where's the harm in telling me that every so-often? He knows I have a low opinion of myself, but yet still I get nothing.
I did get a kind of compliment last night - he was sitting staring at me, and when asked why, he said something about being because I'm pretty... It wasn't much, but better than nothing.
I feel awful for thinking it, but I so miss how J used to look at me, smile, and tell me I was beautiful. I never believed it, but it felt so good to think that someone actually thought it. I guess I got used to being told things like that, and now I haven't got it, I miss it. I know Boi loves me, but it'd be nice to get an odd compliment occasionally. Guess I'll just have to put up with how things are, as they don't look like they're ever going to change. The only thing I can hope is that maybe if I can lose some weight (which again is becoming an issue for me), and get back to being somewhat slim (not size 0 - eugh!), he'll notice and maybe then I'll get some compliments... One can only hope...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Anyway - regarding the whole porn episode, we talked about it, and now he's realised how much of an issue it is for me (and I've realised, it really is a big issue), he'll stop looking at things like that. I know what you're thinking, he'll still look at stuff, only hide it better and not tell me. I have that suspicion too, but I do believe he honestly doesn't want to hurt me, and won't. He knows now that I find out even the smallest of things, so he knows if he does, it's the end for us. It won't stop me checking, at least occasionally, just to make sure I'm not being messed around. But if I can prove to myself that I'm simply being paranoid, then I won't need to look anymore, and can trust him 100%. Then all my insecurities will go away, and I can stop tormenting myself with the 'what-ifs'. I know what it's like to be a liar. To tell people what they want to hear, with the best intentions that you're only doing it so you don't hurt them. I know how it works, so I just can't help being suspicious if I know someone has lied to me. It's so easy to do it again without meaning to. I hope Boi is different. What we have is fantastic, and I don't want anything to screw that up. Thank god he's understanding and doesn't seem to be put off by my emotional breakdowns every so-often. He actually seems to want me to unload on him if I ever need to. I've never been able to talk to someone like I can with him. I can't lose him... It'd kill me...

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Did you learn...?

So you're back downloading naked girls huh? Not that you know I know... yet... I want to see if you'll tell me yourself. See if you lie to me about it. See if you learnt your lesson from the other week.
If you do lie to me about it though, I honestly don't know what to do... I told you no more lies. Just one more, and we're done. So if you lie to me about the pics, then I should stick by my word and end it. I deserve better than to be lied to. But I love you. I love you so fucking much. And I don't want to lose you, because we are just so perfect together. But how else will you learn your lesson to stop lying?

So more for my sake than yours, I hope you tell me the truth when I ask. Don't lie to me, and have me tell you I know different. Admit what you've done, and save me the heartbreak of letting you go...