Well that lasted long... The first time in 3 weeks he's home alone while I'm at work, and what does he do? Goes and searches for boobs... Not just any boobs, but for a certain TV presenters boobs. No, I'm not mentioning which one - even I'm embarrassed that he wants to look at that
(>_<) So I ring him up to ask him about it, and he denys it! I've found the website and the search (despite him deleting his browser history - proving that he knew he shouldn't be looking at that stuff, and being simply deceitful about it), and he seems to think that lying about it and claiming to have no idea how that ended up on his PC will get him out of trouble... I was that person years ago, so he's lying to the wrong person...
It didn't help that that night when I got home from work, I had a chat with him about how I was still suspicious of what he was up to, and I
felt guilty for keep having these insecurities. I felt like I
was the one in the wrong, for not believing him, despite having good reason not too. And he sat there, looked me in the eye and swore he hadn't looked at stuff since the first incident. He promised he never would. He even gave me a list of things he did through the day - going into town, playing xbox etc etc - obviously leaving out the part where he was going behind my back... And like a fucking mug I believed him cos he sounded so sincere... But all the time he was sat there secretly laughing at me... knowing he'd fooled me once again. Knowing just hours earlier he had been doing exactly what he promised he wouldn't.
After realising that I knew, he finally came clean about the boob search. Not that he had much choice cos I was ready to hang up on him and set about throwing his PC out the window... Or I would if it didn't weigh as much as a small house... So again I went to bed alone, feeling hurt and angry. I wasn't too upset this time though, that had been replaced by sheer anger. How dare he do this to me!? How dare he not respect me and our relationship enough, to risk it over some woman's boobs!! From then until about dinner time the next day, that was it. For me, it was over. I told him last time that he'd get one second chance, and if he blew it then it was over. Well, he'd blown it. Why the hell should I stay with someone who doesn't deserve me and thinks so little of what we had.
But then I found this website about lying, deception, cheating etc etc. I must of read most of it, but I found myself believing that fixing 'us' could be possible. Sure it would be hard work, and it would take weeks, if not months to build the trust up again. But it could be done.. right? I kicked myself a few times, knowing that I would probably just be setting myself up for yet more heartache... All the advice I'd read was of the opinion you can give them a 2nd chance, but never give a 3rd. But I couldn't just accept that this was it. That what we'd had for the past 11months was over. What we had then was just far too good to simply give up on.
So, after a long conversation last night, we're going to try to fix this. He's realised he has a problem with lying and he knows he has to stop. I think he's realised now that loosing me is not something he wants, and if he does want 'us' to work, he has to change. And now he has to try 100x as hard to earn my trust back. It's not impossible, but it relies completely on him being honest. If he doesn't do things behind my back in the first place, then he won't have a need to lie about it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not being completely naive about this. I realise there is a very good chance that we might be back having this same conversation in a month. That I'm going to end up hurt and upset yet again, and that it will be my own fault for giving in. That's ok - as long as I'm fully aware of the risks, I can be extra cautious with my heart. I know that I love him more than I've ever loved anyone though. He's my bestest friend, my soul mate. And I know what you think, that even best friends don't treat each other like that. Well I've been the liar in the past. I know what it's like, and I know how hard it is to stop. I can relate to it so well. I guess it's karma coming back on me after what I did years ago. Well ok, ce la vie, I guess it's my task of dealing with it and seeing how it feels from the other side.
So I've given him a deadline... We have a sort-of holiday booked in Perth at the end of November, along with some extra days off work just to spend some time together. He has to prove to me by then that he's committed to this relationship. Prove that he's trying his damned hardest to make this work and to be a better person. And prove to me that I can trust him. If the Perth week comes around, and I don't believe he's trying hard enough, or I have any reason to think he's been lying, whether he's actually done anything or not, he'll be using it as a one-way ticket back to his mums. I'm not messing around this time, and there'll be no other chances. That's it. I knew last time that I'd probably cave if it happened again, and I have. Well this time I know I won't. I'm worth so much more than to be lied to. I'd rather love someone half as much and know I won't be lied to, than love Boi 500% and always be suspicious. He knows that too now.
Now it's up to him. He has to make the conscious decision to change, and actually stick to it. If I'm worth enough to him, he'll do everything possible to make sure he doesn't screw this up. I know that didn't work last time, but this time he had pretty much lost me for about 12-14hrs... I think that might have been the wake-up call he needed.
I'm putting my heart on the line again for the love of my life. I believe it's worth it. I'm not going into this with blinkers on, I know what's at stake.
I also know that if he dare hurts me again, it'll be more than just us breaking up he'll need to worry about...