Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012


So, the Drs now seem to think that my body is producing too much of a certain hormone, so I have too much phosphorus in my blood (well, duh, I'm female - I could have told you my hormones are always going crazy...). So I may have Hyperparathyroidism. I can't even remember it half the time, let alone spell or pronounce it (google ftw!). But, they need to do a more specific blood test to confirm this, so, yep - yet more blood sucked out of me. I'm starting to feel like a pin-cushion. Not going to find out the results until the 18th though, so unless the pain comes back any worse than before, there's nothing I can do but wait, and keep my fingers crossed that if it is this hyper-para-whatsit, that it's not uber-bad, and it's super-easy to treat/get rid of.

In happier news, Zumba was fab tonight. Actually felt less knackard than I did at last Thursdays class, and I know I was working just as hard. Hoping the benifits are finally shining through - just hope I can recover enough to tackle this Thurs as well... is 2 classes a week pushing it a bit this early? We'll soon see...

I'd say yay for tomorrow, but honestly, just thinking about it depresses me. So I won't bother.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Judgement Day

Hopefully by 9.30 tomorrow morning I'll have finally found out what's wrong with me. I get my blood test results first thing. Can't say I'm worried at all - haven't really thought about it actually. Knowing my luck they still won't have a clue what's wrong. Least whatever meds they prescribed last time seemed to have cleared up the pain a bit quicker than normal. Think I might keep some of them spare for any next time occurences...

Had yet more disappointment with the OH again tonight. He's supposed to have been looking up counsellors and sorting out appointments etc. It's been over a week. He's look at one, only cos she's in the close area. Not rung or emailed to discuss, nothing. Apparently was waiting til he got paid tomorrow. Well, great, but what if she's booked up now until summer? Oh, no he didn't think of that... Also didn't think to speak to her to see if she can even help with his lying problem. Or make an apointment. Or look at other options in case she isn't available....

And it's my birthday in a couple of days. Can't say I'm thrilled about that either. Another year older, another year of accomplishing nothing. Well, this year I plan to change that. I don't plan on winning a nobel prize, or going to the moon, but still. Even a small something will be bigger than previous years nothing. First plan is to get rid of the bozo treating me like shit. Either by hopefully changing him into a non-bozo, or getting rid completely (not what I want, but then when do I ever get that..). Second plan, is to get back in shape, and celebrate that with an autumn holiday out to see my mum. Maybe go out for Xmas. Kos has some epic nightlife, so be fab to go as a newly single, finally fit hunny. Liking this plan already..!

In the meantime - Zumba tomorrow. Least I'm looking forwards to that!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Ups and Downs

You'll be glad to hear I'm a bit happier than I was the other day. Just one of those 'I hate the wolrd' days I think. Doesn't help I've been suffering with this, well, I have no idea what to call it... this 'thing' for the past few months that is determined to take over my life and make me as miserable as ever. So it's a medical 'thing', only I can't call it by it's medical name, because despite six trips to the doctors, and six lots of medication (at £7.40 each.. you do the math), still no-one knows what it is. It's now threatening mmy job, which is worrying. I've been there just under 3 months, and I've already been off on 3 seperate occasions totalling 5 days. I don't need to be told it doesn't look good. Even more worryingly, the Drs have stopped mentioning 'infections and inflamations, and are now bringing up apendicitus and that dreaded 'C' word. Gee, thanks for that - care to find out exactly what this is whilst I'm still alive..?!
Anyways - I'm back for yet another apointment next week for my blood results. Joy.

In happier news, I think I've found a dress, well, actually 3 dresses that could well do for our works dinner in Feb. One of our MD's is retiring (thank god - he's useless, and doesn't own a computer...), so we've got a dress-up dinner on a Friday night. I've only just got over our Xmas night out (also on a Friday - what a pain!) and had to do the dreaded dress-hunt, now this. Thankfully though I have a few options this time. Fingers crossed.

And lastly, me and the OH are officially at breaking point. It's that bad that he's now looking into seeing a councellor for his lying. Apparently he doesn't even know he does it until someone pulls him up on it. I'm now having to question even the seemingly innocent stuff.
I've always thought we could work through it. Now I'm thinking it's just too late. We'll see how the councelling goes, and see if things change. I'm hoping we can still save 'us', but I'm not holding my breath anymore.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Le Sigh

Today I feel like I've totally failed at life. Other people have careers, exciting hobbies, doing things they have talent for, met their soul mate, settled down, had kids...

I have none of the above. Though I am giving Zumba a good crack if that counts.

One of the ladies I work with found out today her daughter just got a new job - trainee Graphic Designer. She has the same amount of quals as me (ie. nothing more than AS levels). Brill. The amount of places I've applied for the same kind of thing, and I've not had as much as a 'thank you for your application'...

Yeah, I know, I should do something about it. The reasons excuses always come back to money though :(

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's been a while

Well, yes it seems to have been quite some time since I dropped in here. Sorry about that.

So what's been going on? Well, quite a bit, and not a lot at the same time. I lost my job (made redundant, not fired), got another one out in Bradford (worst decision ever taking that up), and quit after 2 weeks to go somewhere else. I'd go into more details, but it's really not that interesting, so I won't bother.
The new job is under a mile from my house - winner! The pay isn't that good for now, but £40 of petrol is lasting me almost 2 months. Can't complain at that. The job isn't even all that interesting, but the 2 girls in my office I get on with really well, and everyone else is nice too. It's nice to not get stressed with work, and be home in literally 2 minutes. I guess I'll be staying here a while.

Have things with the OH worked out? There's still a question mark over that. I've found things a couple more times, we've argued a few more times, and he's made a couple more promises to be more honest/open/truthful yada yada... I am finding less stuff though, but then that could just be that he's hiding stuff better. I dunno. Beginning to think I'm just being naive and believing what I want to believe. Though it doesn't help when I catch him out lying to me over something so irrelevant and stupid. Apparently me taking a hammer to his new HTC phone didn't teach him anything...
I'm honestly feeling like we're nearing the end of this relationship. It's been patched over and mended so many times there's simply nothing solid left anymore. Until I lose that last glimmer of hope that we actually can mend this, I'll stick with it. What have I actually got to lose? A few months? Maybe a year? That's ok, I'm not staring middle-age in the face just yet. Just have to be patient. And hope. And try not to kill him next time...

Other than that, not much going on. Oh other than the bedroom wall leaks when it rains too hard, but that's only going to cost about £1500 to fix... Oh happy days.