Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Monday, January 21, 2008

Two's company....?

So we're sitting on the sofa last night, talking about random crap as usual, and the topic of living together comes up... Now, J has been practically living with me for the past couple of months anyway because of his heating situation, and cos I love having him around. It's been great, and there's not been a day yet when I've thought about asking him to go back to his for a day or two. I've really loved having him around. We hardly ever argue either. Sure we've had a couple of disagreements, but who doesn't? So why does the thought of moving in together permanently worry me? Maybe because if it all goes wrong he won't be able to simply go back to his own place.... I don't know. We've only been together just over 2 months... Maybe it's a bit soon? But then what does it really matter? He loves me, and I love him, and we're happy together. It's been working out fine with him living at mine so far...
Anyways, as my contract runs out in April, we've agreed to leave things as they are for now, until I know whether I can re-new my contract, or will have to find somewhere else. Then, either he'll move in with me, or we'll find somewhere together. So it's bound to be March when it happens I guess. Still, it's a big step. I haven't lived with anyone since Dai..... and look how that ended.... Well I certainly won't be making those mistakes again. Have learnt my lesson there.
Will just have to see how things go I guess. Try it and see....

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


So finally I can breathe a sigh of relief. It was so good to get home last night, and have you wrap your arms around me and tell you loved me.
That was the reassurance I needed.

I knew before, but Monday made realise for sure, that I do love you. The possibility that I might lose you that night was horrible, and I didn't want to let you go. You mean everything to me, and you make me happier than I've been for a long time. And I get the feeling that you feel the same.

I love you baby, and am so happy to be with you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Reassurance requested...

Are you going to tell me what was going on with you last night, or are you keeping to the story that you were tired, and just in a weird mood? I may just be being paranoid, but I can't help thinking that there was so much more to it than you were telling me.

I asked if 'we' were ok, or if I had done something wrong. You told me that is was neither of these, and you were ok. If that really was the case, then it might've helped to be a little more convincing.

Whilst you went to bed early, I was sat on the sofa crying. Wondering what was going on in your head. Wondering if you were having second thoughts about 'us'. Also kicking myself for being so paranoid over the littlest thing, as I'm sure acting like that won't make things much better.... So, I slept on the sofa. Was quite comfy actually, but I shouldn't have been there. I should've been curled up beside you like every other night.

This morning when you left for work, you wern't even going to say goodbye if I hadn't of spoken to you first. Even then you wern't in a better mood at all. Still quiet and distant. Again, you told me you loved me, and that 'we' were ok. But again, I questioned it in my mind. Still I wonder if things really are ok. As you left, there was nothing I could do to hold back the tears. I must've sobbed on the sofa for longer than I can remember.

So I'm in work now, still thinking the worst. Even wondering if I should finish with you first, as this is awful going on like this. I know it's partly my own fault for being so paranoid. But I need some reassurance. I need a convincing answer as to what is or isn't wrong. I don't want to keep asking you, but I don't know what else to do.
I do love you, and I love being with you so much. I'm just so scared I'm going to lose you already.

Please. Just talk to me. Put your arms around me and reassure me that you love me and still want to be with me. That's all I ask.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

New year, new happiness?

Well it's 2008 at last. Ok, so it has been for the past 8 days, as I've not posted for a while. But anyway. I have this feeling, that this year may actually be a better year than the last 4/5/6. For a start, Xmas was better this year than it has been for as far as I can remember. Like last year, I worked Xmas day and Boxing day, but I was happy. I had J, which made Xmas that little bit easier to deal with. He's been 'living' with me for the past month or so. I say 'living', because he's not actually moved in, and still has his own flat, so maybe 'lodging' is a better phrase... Anyway, it's basically because his poxy one-room flat doesn't have any heating. Yep, you heard me - no heating AT ALL!! So, as it's winter, you can imagine just how cold it is in there. I hated him having to go back to his freezer-box, so said he could stay with me for the time being - seeing as I have a 2 bedroom house, with fully functioning central heating (seriously, my house is like a sauna sometimes lol). Yeah, I'm nice like that. I love having him there though. It's not just having some company, although it is nice. I'm an only child, and have lived on my own for almost a year now, and it really doesn't bother me. I just love having him around. I know where I stand with him aswell. Some relationships in the past, I've mentally been questioning if the guy I'm with really wants to be with me. Yeah, paranoia sucks big time. But with J, I know where I stand. I know that when he says he loves me, he means it. I know that when he looks at me in that way, smiling to himself, I know I'm the only girl he wants to be with. When he puts his arms round me, holding me tight, I know he doesn't want to let me go.
We've only been together for 2 months, and I know everything has gone a little fast, but it all feels so perfect. To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure if he's 'the one', but I think that's just my own insecurities and paranoia not letting me just let go and enjoy it, just incase I fall too deeply into this happiness, and get my heart broken again. I guess it's just time that can solve that.

So I start the year with a guy who loves me, with a great house of my own, and a job that I've held down for longer than any other in the past. Ok, so things arn't all perfect. My noisy neighbours drive me crazy, waking me up in the middle of the night, and my job can be quite tedious and mind-numbingly boring. But I'm actually happy with my life in general right now. And I haven't been able to say that for a long time. It actually feels like this year is going to work out alright for a change, without the previous years dramas of not having anywhere to live/falling out with my mum/messing up relationships/not having a job/money etc etc.

So, here's to 2008. I've got a good feeling about it, and it's wonderful.