Last Chance...

I thought you were better than this... I certainly never thought you'd even contemplate doing this to me. I mean, how could you? I thought I meant more to you than this...

The dodgy websites, I don't like, but I can handle. But lying to me about it? Lying again when I've asked, as it didn't sound to believable, lying some more... Lying until I found out the truth. That's what's hurt the most. So many chances you had to tell me the truth, and it took me looking through your browser history on your PC to find out the truth, and the extent of your lies. No wonder you wanted to drop the whole subject when I found those pics on your phone. You wern't embarrassed cos it was the only time it'd happened, you were embarrassed I'd found out, and scared I'd find out the rest.

So this is it. I've given you all the chances and more to 'fess up about any other little secrets or lies you might have gotten away with so far. Cos if I find anything out now, we're done. You may think you can get away with a little white lie some time from now. You may think I'll never find out, or it's too small a lie to count. But I will found out. I've proved that I'll keep on digging until I find the truth. And whatever it's about, no matter how small, it'll be the end to us. It'll kill me to lose you - you're my best friend as well as my partner. I've never 'connected' so well with anyone before, and I feel like my heart is missing whenever you're not around. But I will not, cannot, be with someone I don't trust. And the hurt it'll cause in breaking up with you, will be nothing compared to you lying to me through our relationship.

My head was yelling at me last night to finish it there and then. Lying to me over and over this time is once too far. I mean, what's to stop you doing it again? What else have you lied about, and still not told me, thinking you've gotten away with it. But no. This time, I've listened to my heart, though it was touch and go for a while which way I was leaning. The past 10 months we've had together have been amazing, and, as stupid and naive as this may be, I do believe you've never actually cheated on me, or sent so much as a flirty/dirty text to anyone else while we've been together.
You best be the other side of the world if I ever find out you have though...


So, this is your last chance. Don't make me regret it, cos boy, it'll be the last thing you ever do...

Light and dark

Well... I asked him about his ex. I did the totally courageous thing of asking via email while he was at work (we always have email chats anyways). I always find these things better written out - you can re-think and re-word stuff before actually sending it, then at least there's a chance you stop yourself saying something you'll regret, or re-phrase stuff to stop yourself sounding like a complete arse. Well that's my opinion anyway. Seemed to work out ok though. I found out it was 3+ years since him and 'her' broke up. It was an amicable break-up (didn't mention what it was over - I thought asking would be going too far) and other than an ex-gf, 'all she is to me now is an ex-work colleague'. Well, that puts my mind at rest as far as the whole staying-friends-with-an-ex thing goes. And the VCH? He can't remember. Hmm. Not sure if I completely buy that. I mean, it's not like asking how many ear-piercings she has, or how many tattoos or something. Go three years and yeah, that would be easy to forget. But having 'that' pierced?! Seriously, how can you not remember it...?! Either that, or if she did, and he really has forgotton, then it can't have been that good... lol
So, I'm thinking maybe she did have it done, and he just doesn't want to admit it so to save my feelings, but at the same time, not denying it so he's not lying to me. As sweet as that may be, I'd rather just know the truth. But, only if it's a definate no... I guess I could have been told yes she did, and that would completely stop the idea of me having it done. But I still don't know, and other than asking her direct, I don't think I ever will know. So, I'm getting it done this weekemd... I told him I'd do it as a kind of birthday present for him, seeing as he likes them so much. I've thought about having it done before, but never had the balls to go through with it, so had just disregarded it up to now. Now it's been decided that I am actually doing it, I dunno... I do still kinda want it (for obvious pleasurable reasons), but it's the thought of having to flash my bits at some random person. I get embarrassed sometimes at flashing my bits at my own bf, so this is not going to be easy for me. Ah well. You only live once I guess. I'll report next week how it went... >_<

Other than that, me and him are getting on great again. Just passed the 10 month mark. It's weird really - it's like we've been together forever, but yet it's gone so quickly. I'm just happy we get on so well. Our new neighbours next door that moved in a few months ago seem to always argue. Usually her always shouting at him. We think we've guessed that he's an alcoholic, and she has an ex that keeps turning up making trouble. It's hard to hear through the wall sometimes. Thank god we're not at all like that. Maybe it's some kind of weird couple-karma. I don't care. it's awesome.

How do you get an answer to a question you don't want to ask...?

Well I've been feeling better about the whole 'does he really love me' bollox. I know he does. He tells me and i can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. I still don't understand why - paranoid, unstable, fugly mess that I am. But he does. And that's all that matters. So for the past couple of weeks I've been a lot happier about pretty much everything. But as always, it didn't last long.

So I've been thinking about getting another piercing (my 13th actually), possibly in either the conch or rook of my right ear - mainly to even out the fact that at the moment I have 6 in my left, and 5 in my right. Plus, well I like it, so why the hell not.
Anyways. Having trolled through some old forum posts about piercings that me and the bf are members of, I stumbled about a conversations about VCH piercings. Reading further through it, the bf had commented that he loves them, and thinks they're awesome. Now initially, I saw this as a good thing, having thought about said metal decoration for a few years, but never having the balls to actually go through with it. But then, my over-active, pessimistic thoughts kicked in. Knowing his ex (the one he's still friends with) is a fan of tattoo's and piercings, I wondered if she had hers done. The last thing I want is to have something his ex has to remind him of, well, 'things'... But how the hell do I ask him without sounding like a complete fruit-bat...? 'Sweetie, strange question - does/did your ex have her clit pierced?' Yeah great opening line that. I know we have the type of relationship where we can have open, honest conversations about stuff, which is awesome, but I don't want him thinking I'm this paranoid, jealous loon - even if I am. He doesn't need to know that. So apart from asking her directly (which will obviously make me look even more of a tool), I'm not going to know unless I ask him. And if it turns out she does/did have it done, then what do I do?!
I want it done for me, but I don't want him to be reminded of her. And I don't want her stopping me from getting it. Why do I insist on making everything so fucking complicated!! Add to that the fact I've already (jokingly) offered to get it done for his birthday in a couple of weeks, which he seemed to be more than happy with. So whatever I do, I've only got a couple of weeks to decide, and get it sorted!!

It's bothering me though. Why the hell does his ex seem to be getting to me so much. I mean, she's his ex, so they obviously broke up for some reason. But then they've stayed friends too, so it can't have been too bad.
He's with me. If he loved her and not me, he wouldn't have moved down here to be with me, and away from her. So why do I feel so threatened by her?! It makes no reasonable sense. I so badly want to not care about her, or their past. Everyone has a past with someone. Even me and my many disaters.

I need to stop being so fucking insecure. But how hell do I just do that...?