Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Monday, June 18, 2012

Running companies and running scared

Well last week was interesting. I took a couple of days off work, partly because I was full of cold and feeling miserable, and partly because I was just generally feeling miserable. I realised I had been slightly overspending lately, and there was a risk of being the wrong side of my overdraft. This, coupled with the thought of spending god knows how long still working for shite wages, and not knowing when things were going to get better just got the better of me. Anyway, feeling slightly better about everything in general, I dragged myself back into work on Wednesday.
My mood dropped again when our MD asked if I had a moment for 'a word'. Never the words you want to hear, especially after having just had two days off work sick...
Turns out, I actually hadn't done anything wrong or pissed anyone off. Our company is actually a group of companies - one of which currently has no-one running it as the lady who was in charge had to take early maternity leave. This is where I come in. I've been asked to run the company! It's only a very small company, but still. I get more responsibility, less time scratting around for things to do in my normal job, and to top it off - more frickin money!! Not only has this made me feel better about my job and life in general, but it's sorted out my money issues too!! Trouble is, I'm already spending the extra money I haven't yet even got. I'm hoping the new purchase of Battlefield will keep me entertained enough to keep me off of ebay... If not, I'm going to have a new pair of straighters, two perfumes, a Logitech G700 gaming mouse, and a gaming headset...

On the Mr Tall front, I keep being scared. Scared of getting in too deep and getting my heart broken. Scared I'm getting in too deep and he doesn't feel the same. Scared of getting in too deep and realising I don't want to get in too deep. Scared that my insanity is going to leak out and Mr Tall is then going to be scared, and I'll never see him again... I wish my head was less unstable.
It doesn't help that on Friday night we went round to his friends house to watch the footy. I was dosed up on flu drugs, so was driving, and the only one there not drinking. When we got home and snuggled up, I could have sworn he was whispering those three little words in my ear - several times... I'm only not 100% sure as I had taken a couple of nytol, so despite being partly awake, I was almost fully comotose, therefore I whatever I did or didn't hear has no reliability. Plus the fact that he was very drunk means that whatever he did or didn't say, has no weight to it. Although, if he said it while drunk, maybe he means it inside but is too nervous to actually say anything... Anyways - he doesn't remember saying it, and I've not mentioned it, so I guess I won't know for sure.
Trying to stay cool about this whole 'non-relationship' (as it still hasn't become 'official') and not be some clingy girl eager to make it official is really hard. I so badly don't want to scare him off, yet sometimes I feel I may be coming accross as too cool and making it seem like I'm not too bothered... Why the hell hasn't there been a rule book for this. People have been dating and courting for centuries - surely there must be some fundamental do's and don'ts I'm obviously missing out on... I'm betting one of them is 'Don't overthink things too much'.... Doh... My only chance, wing it and see what happens. I've never been very good at winging it.... Maybe I can find some wings on ebay...

Monday, June 11, 2012

Stumbling in the dark

So that would make it now four weekends in a row I've spent with Mr Tall. Needless to say, things are going well. Stanford (despite the horrendous weather as is traditional on a Bank Holiday) was a big success, and my man saved the BBQ and made fire! Everyone was very impressed and we got mistaken for a proper couple many a-time. Not only that, but neither of us corrected the presumption. That made me smile.
Later on, we were having a wander round the cars, and I saw Fraz walking round  and I saw him look at us... Me and Mr Tall were already huddled under a brolly, but holding hands and looking, I imagine, 'couple-y'. Fraz saw that. I hoped it was hurting like a thousand burning knives. That made me smile too.
I also found his axle-stands in the garage - the ones we both (honestly) thought weren't in there. Apparently they were. Ah well, guess I'll be keeping those then seeing as the twat couldn't even be bothered with a reply the last time I tried getting in touch with him (after finding him on POF, I needed him to reply to my email so I could block him, and therefore stopping him from popping up on any of my search results/matches etc. All it would take is an email reply. Not war and peace, not a full-blown conversation. Just a reply. Took me 2 emails and a text for him to finally reply to shut me up. Not that I've been back on there since Mr Tall turned up, but you never know when I'll be needing to go back on again.

At least I finally told Mr Persistent that it's completely off. I'm not sure he completely understood why, but he knows I just want to be friends and nothing more. That's one less hassle to deal with. Well, it would be, but he's still being, well, persistent - inviting me down, trying to get me to change my mind... I'm finding that ignoring him seems to be the best way of making him see I'm serious. I should be flattered, but I'm not at all. I'm just fed up with him not listening or taking no for an answer.

Anyways, it seems my head-fuck is resurfacing again. I'm almost certain I'm being paranoid and reading far too much into things yet again. But I'm keeping it well hidden this time. There's no way I want to scare Mr Tall off. To me, things between us seem to be heading in the 'relationship' direction. Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no rush to define 'us' just yet and put any kind of label on whatever we are. I guess it's just nice to be thinking of 'us' in that way, despite the fear that I'm going to get my heart broken all over again. Anyways, I had a stark realisation yesterday that he might not be seeing us that way at all. In fact, he might just be seeing me as a bit of fun... A bit of company... Nothing serious at all. In fact, just thinking about it (yet again) makes me realise I am being really stupid. It's only been a few weeks (and only a few weekends at that), and neither of us want to rush into anything. I'm looking for that acceptance, the validation, that I'm wanted. It's too soon. I know it's too soon, yet my heart is looking for it already. I'm not even certain I want to be in a relationship just yet. Maybe that's just the scared part of me projecting that though. If I'm not in a proper relationship, I can't get hurt. If I don't allow myself to fall in love again, I can't have my heart torn apart. I feel like I'm in the dark, spinning around, with no idea how to stop spinning, and no idea which direction to go in.
I just know I don't want to be completely alone...