Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Saturday, August 28, 2010

Fucked up, for a change...

What the fuck is wrong with me...?! Seriously, I'm fucked up in the head...

My bf is still friends with his ex, and it's making my some paranoid, jealous psycho... and there's nothing, absolutely fuck all, to suggest anything other than a few friendly comments have gone on, or ever will go on... So what the hell is my problem?!!

Of course a dream I had a few weeks back hasn't helped much... I dreamt I was having a drink with Boi, sat outside some coffee place. We were chatting, and she turned up. Boi asked her to join us, despite my protests. They start chatting... then remembering stuff that happened when they were together, remembering the happy memories and good time, forgetting the reasons they broke up, until I'm sat miles away, just watching them laughing and joking... I've been forgotton about... No-one even notices I've not been there for hours... And I can see it in their eyes that they want to be together....

I woke up about then, but it was one of those dreams that you remember vividly. Not only that, but it keeps playing in my mind. Over and over. I can't stop it, and everytime it plays, the laughing and joking gets more flirty than friendly...

At the moment, it's ok. She lives back up where he used to live in Scotland. But we've already said we're going to save up to move there in a couple of years. I don't want to live round the corner from his ex who he's still friends with... It'll drive me insane... But what can I do?! I can't tell him to stop being friends with her - as far as I know the only contact they have is a few comments on FB now and then... not even full-on conversations... that I know of... So what possible reason or excuse do I have for getting upset at all this?? None at all. It's all in my warped mind.

Deep down, I know he loves me. But it doesn't matter how many times he tells me, I still question it. Still wonder if he really loves me as much as I love him. Because I love him so fucking much... He's the only guy I've ever been with who's as much of a best friend as a partner. In the 10 months we've been together, we've argued once. Not only that, but as he's a non-argumentative person who doesn't get pissed off or angry, hr calms me down. Anyone else and the argument would've gone on for a couple of hours, and still have an atmosphere hanging around after. Not with Boi. 10 mins and we'd made up. Now that's an achievement for me lol. We have such a laugh, have the same tastes, same thoughts most of the time. I just couldn't imagine being without him. I just need to know he feels the same... but despite regular 'I love you's, it's never enough... and it should be. I hate thinking it, but I miss how J used to look at me, right into my eyes, and say to me he loved me so much, and it was like I could see into his soul. I knew he meant it. He also used to look at me in the same way and tell me I was beautiful. I always denied it, but he'd say 'honestly, you are - I wish you'd believe me...'. All I've got from Boi is pretty. And that's only been said twice. It is too much to ask to hear something that makes me feel really wanted... really loved... really the one..

I know, I know, people are different. Blokes express themselves in different way, say different things and do different things. And i know I can't have everything. I guess I really hate myself so much, that I can't imagine anyone loving me as much as I love them. And because of that, I expect them to realise they don't, and just leave... Stupid I know. Try telling my head that.

I just wish I could stop all these thoughts. Partly cos it's making me really fucking miserable, and I hate being miserable. But also because I don't want to be all sad and mopey with Boi. I don't want him to think I'm some emotional mess and change his mind about being with me. I certainly don't want him to know just how much of an emptional mess I am. I mean, who wants someone like that?!

I just wish I knew what to do... Thank fuck Boi is on nights on and off this week. I can sit and cry on my own where he doesn't have to see/deal with it. Or maybe him being on nights is just making it worse. I've got more time on my own for my stupid head to carry on thinking fucked up thoughts. Tormenting itself with its own made-up images. At least when Boi is here I can get a reassuring hug or an 'I love you' every so often.

I should talk to him about all this. I know he'll tell me how silly I'm being, and how much he loves me and isn't going anywhere. But if I just hear him say that without knowing how much I need to hear it, it'll be the perfect reassurance I need.

I'm fucked up. It's official.


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