Well haven't I had an eventful day! I was at work, queitly minding my own business having yet another bowl of cabbage soup, and we get a delivery to reception. Imagine my suprise at having these presented to me!!
The card that came with it was a bit cryptic...
'Because what's worse than knowing you want something besides knowing you can never have it? - James Patterson, The Angel Experiment
I just wish I could xxx
PS. Not Phill
Well, isn't this straight out of some romance novel! So it's someone who wants me, but thinks they can't have me, yet they want to make sure I know about them, without actually knowing knowing who they are.. I'm so flattered, yet highly confused!
I spent the rest of the afternoon with a daft grin, trying to answer loads of questions from everyone at work, and going through everyone I know that could possible send me something so wonderful! I hated the thought of not finding out. What if they didn't see the point in telling me if they think there's no chance of having me? That verse made me think it could be one of Mr Talls friends. Not being able to have me as you don't get with mates' ex's. My initial thought when I saw the flowers was Mr Tall. But the card and the deliberate point of writing that it wasn't him put that idea out my head. I had a feeling this was going to bug me for a while. And it did.
Back home I soon got an answer, of sorts. Eating dinner (yes, soup again!) I was checking my emails. One stood out more than a thousand suns...
The message simply read:
Glad you liked them
They know how happy I've been, so they must be someone I know on facebook. Ok, that doesn't narrow things down much, but it's a start. And now I have contact with them! So I replied - thanking them, and saying I wish I knew who they were...
I loved them, and I loved the gesture! Thank you - I've been grinning all day! I just wish I knew who you were though! x
Why is disclosing my identity so important?
Because I got the impression from your card that you feel you can't have
me. If I knew who you are then I could understand why you think that.
Maybe there's something I can do to change it... but I don't know how
to, or even if it's possible if I don't know who you are...
Really wasn't expecting that reply... and I really don't know what to say to it. It really shocked me.
I actually think you do know who I am from that.
Well what would be the harm in me knowing who you are? The worst that
can happen is I agree that there's no chance that anything can happen.
Surely it's worth that risk?
I honestly have no idea... I have some small suspicions, but that's all, and they're mainly based on ruling out other people...
Besides, you can't go making such a beautiful gesture if you had no
plans to ever tell me who you are... that'd just be incredibly mean! :)
I'm scared of the worst outcome. Truth hurts sometimes and I've been
hurt enough. There's a few things I wanted to add to this, but if I
wrote it, you'd know.
As long as they made you smile, that's all I really care about. You have a cute smile.
I can understand that. One thing I've learnt is that you can't live your
life based on fears from your past. Sure you need to learn from your
mistakes, but if you stop taking risks, you'll miss out on so many
things. I obviously can't force you to tell me who you are, and I can
understand and respect your decision if you don't. I'd love you to give
me a chance though...
I can't promise I can make everything
wonderful and have a fairy tale ending, but I can promise I'll talk to
you about whatever it is you feel is getting in the way, and I promise
to be honest with you about where things stand. And I promise that if
you're someone I already consider a friend, that that won't change.
have made me smile, more than you could imagine. Partly due to the
flowers themselves, but partly because for some unknown reason someone
really sweet has thought about me enough to want to make such a gesture.
That alone means so much.
That really choked me up! Wow.
The thing is, I actually have
nothing to lose. Up until now, we haven't communicated in a long time,
so it's like not I'm going to lose you from my life, because your not
really in it now. Except in my thoughts. So I don't have a clue why I am
so afraid of disclosing who I am. In a way I've already lost you...
This is probably going to give the game away quite a bit. I think your last message made me a bit fearless.
Ah, right, ok... so it's not Mr Talls mate that I thought it could be. Seems to be someone from my past. Someone who's not in my life any more. That's a curve ball I wasn't expecting... I'm still no closer to narrowing down who this might be. In fact, I think it's actually made things worse!
I'm obviously rubbish at playing this game, as I'm still lost as to who you are!
I'm not currently in your life at the moment, and you feel you've
already 'lost' me, then you really don't have anything to lose... I
can't stop speaking to you or seeing you if I don't do either of those
You must want to tell me deep down. You wouldn't
have gone to even more trouble of setting up an email and contacting me
unless you really do plan on letting me in on your secret. Playing with
me like this and not giving me any resolution just seems a little
My promises before still stand. You know where I am if you find some more courage.
Then she told me. Yep, you read that right, she. Turns out it's a girl I've known for a while that's had a thing for me for most of that period! Well that was it, my head was spinning. I had no idea what to say, as I would never have guessed her in a million years. And naturally, I was expecting a guy!
After a few failed attempts at mashed sentances, I finally told her that although I wasn't totally against the idea, I did have a lot of reservations. For a start, that we didn't really know each other that well. Sure we'd known each other for a few years, and chatted a fair few times, but we'd only actually met in person once. I also mentioned that unlike her, I've never had a female relationship before (that one drunken fumble, although very enjoyable, doesn't really count) so I'd just be out of my depth completely with this new situation. Plus she lives about 71miles away, which makes getting to know each other difficult, let alone trying to meet up for 'dates' and whatever! I'm not entirely sure what to make of it all. I'm a little disappointed it wasn't a guy. More-so because it wasn't the guy I really wanted it to be. I'm still flattered, and the gesture still means a lot to me. I'm just not sure where to go with it now...