Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Saturday, September 29, 2007


This is how my luck goes... I ran to get on my bus this morning, and as it was rainging, I fell onto it... Yep, I slipped on the step and flew into the one of the doors...

That just sums it all up.

I cried last night. Got home, made some popcorn whilst watching tv, and cried. Not about anything in particular, I just felt so sad and empty inside. I'm officially loosing it...

Oh, and I just found this...

The symptoms of DEPRESSION are as follows:

  • Feeling depressed, sad, anxious or bored ...yes
  • Feeling tired, fatigued, everything an effort, slowed movements ...yes
  • Waking during the night or too early in the morning, oversleeping or trouble getting to sleep ...yes
  • Slow thinking, poor concentration, forgetful or indecisive ...yes
  • Loss of interest in food, work, sex and life seems dull ...yes to work, and life seeming dull...
  • Reduced sense of self-worth, low self esteem or guilt ...definately
  • Headaches, chest or other pains without a physical basis none of that thankfully
  • Not wanting to live, suicidal thoughts or thinking of death ...yes

    If 5 or more of the above symptoms are present for more than 2 weeks, it probably is a depressive episode.

    So I'm screwed basically...

  • Thursday, September 27, 2007

    Fading out

    I don't quite know what's happening with me at the moment. Everyday I get up, I have this feeling that I'm not actually here... just sort of, I don't know, invisible almost. I feel like a washed out colour. Something that used to be bright and bold, but now it's faded, and there's just a paleness left.
    I've never had a very social life anyway, not since I left school and started college. I never fitted in there. Everyine had their own groups already formed from knowing each other from school. So for me it was hard to try and 'fit in' to any other groups. I guess now that it's been like this for so many years, I'm used to it. At work now, there's 'groups'. People that hang out together, sit together, go out together... I'm not one of those people. I get on with everyone, but I don't actually exist to them. No-one purposfully comes to sit next to me, because they genuinley want to have my company. I've sat next to 'friends' before - the people I get on with most, but I have no confidence. I can't start up an interesting conversation, or come out with something witty. So I may aswell be sat on my own for the amount I say. Take yesterday form example. I was sat around V, M, and D. They're all laughing and chatting away, all I can do is smile at their jokes, throw in the odd comment. But mostly, I'm an outsider. Today, I'm sat alone. And I feel alone. Not just because there arn't people around me, but I feel alone, and lonely, and I don't know what to do about it. For some reason today seems to be particularly bad. I got up this morning, and felt an overwhelming sense of lonliness, emptiness, and just overall sadness. It's still with me.
    I just keep thinking, is this how things are going to be? I get up, go to work, come home, sleep, and do it all over again, with a load of money problems, and other things thrown in to worry about. I'm 22, and I have all that to deal with already. I'm struggling with it. Since I was 16 I've been struggling with my life, and all the things I've had to deal with. I don't know how much longer I can do it. This isn't living, it's just existing. If other people can have a fulfilled life, with happiness, friends, and not having so many problems to deal with, why can't I? Surely it's not too much to ask? But then, all I'ver ever wanted since I was 16 is some happiness, so I guess maybe it is too much to ask... Maybe all I'll ever have is problems, depression, and loneliness. In which case, what's the point. Why bother struggling on anymore.
    I saw my ex the other day, the one I was with for 2 years, went to Cambridge with etc... He's finally got a job he enjoys in games programming, and he's seeing a Russian girl, who he seems really happy with. I'm really happy for him, but I can't help feeling jealous. I know I did some terrible things when we were together, but why can I never find that kind of relationship? Also, V at work is engaged and planning her wedding for next year. I've met her fiance C, and you can see they were meant to be together. I want that so badly. To be loved, to be wanted, to love that person back unconditionally. But then surely in the emotional mess I'm in right now, who the hell would want me... Even I don't want me right now.

    And so the downwards spiral continues...

    Wednesday, September 26, 2007

    What the...?!

    Now, I'm not a big fan of wasps, but I can stand them enough to scoop them up with a glass and carefully placed piece of paper, and throw them in the direction of an open door/window.
    However I think this mornings little incident may have left some emotional scars...
    I'm working on the late shift this week, so I don't need to actually get out of bed until the latest of 12pm. Late, I know, but I work to 10pm, so my body-clock gets shifted forwards a few hours. Anyway. I pulled my jumper off the hanger and stuck my arms into it to put it on, and felt something inside the sleeve. So without thinking I stuck my hand back inside, picked it off and pulled it out. Big mistake. Upon removing my hand from the sleeve, and inspecting the little object that was stuck to the wooley fabric inside, it was a wasp... After throwing both it, and my jumper on the floor, I must've stood there for 5 minutes making 'argh... eeergh... urgh' noises, muttering more profanities than can be found on an episode of South Park. Anyways, after pulling myself togehter enough to pick up the crumpled heap on the floor which was my jumper, I looked at the wasp, knowing I'd have to move it. Then I realised it was still alive... The back end of it twitching as though it was thinking about flying up and coming after me... A few more internal shudders later I found a glass and the paper and scooped it up. I think this particular one had been on steroids or summin, it was huuuge... I still have to deal with it when I get home though, as the glass was put into my bath (obviously up-turned with said wasp inside). I didn't want to kill it, but I didn't want to let it out either, in case it came back for revenge. So, I left it there... Serves it right for invading my jumper...

    Tuesday, September 25, 2007

    No rest for the wicked

    How better to spend a weekend than at work... *sigh*

    Saturday night I was supposed to be going out for a works night on the town. Had been looking forward to it for the past month, as it's always a great laugh. I'd even invited A aswell (yeah, I wanted to show off the new bloke in my life). But now, I'm not going. I'm working both Saturday and Sunday, one day for overtime, and one day as my contracted shift. Also, as I'm on Anti-biotics right now, I can't drink, so I refuse to go out and drink coke all night whilst all around me are getting more and more hammered. So, choosing to work overtime on Saturday means I have the perfect excuse for not going out. I'm gutted really. Ahh well, guess the money will come in handy seeing as the council are screwing money out of me at the moment. They're charging me for a years worth of council tax, for a place I moved out of 4 years ago. Problem being that as for that year I stayed with friends/parents etc, I didn't have my name on any other council tax/bills/tenancy agreement, so am struggling to prove I didn't live there for the time they're screwing charging me for. The last/only hope I've got is National Insurance, as they'd surely have my address from the places I was working at the time. But, they haven't replied back yet... It's not as though I didn't put a 1st class stamp on the letter, or enclose a 1st class SAE, or put in the letter that a court case was pending n(slight exageration), so need an urgent reply... No, I never did that... Fuckers. Will be ringing them up tomorrow and shouting at them. Council peeps have already started taking 12% off my wages each month (though this month they've taken about 22% - do they not realise I need to afford to live?!), so they'll be getting a call aswell to see what they're playing at taking so much off me at once... Goddamit why is there always some fuck-up happening in my life. The minute I sort one out and another comes along. Was planning on paying off my over-draft this month, but due to the fuck-tards at the council I can't do that, which means my bank is gunna be eating more interest out of my already groaning balance.

    Add all that to the fact that work is busier than a whore house in BOGOF season, and you've some idea to how mental my life is right now.


    Monday, September 17, 2007

    Where do I begin?

    So, new blog, new start... I can't be arsed going over the basic outlines of what is going on in my life right now. For a start there's just too damn much of it. Secondly, those of you who have followed me here from my old site know kinda what's happening anyway, and those who are new here won't give a crap anyway. As I've said before, I write for me, not for anyone else.

    Anyways... today, things are crap. Due to a certain moose nosing around on my blog and finding out things about me and a certain ex, D, me and him are no doing the whole flirting thing. We've gone back to being friends, but it's awkward now, cos he knows I've said things on my site about him, and now thinks I'm even more of a loon than he origionally guessed... Joy.
    Anyway, the moose that invaded my space felt the need to write some rather lovely comments on most of my posts over the last month or so. Along the lines of calling me a whore/bitch/sad cow/slapper etc etc, and basically bitching at me for going after someone who is completely unavailable. Some of you may have had the pleasure of reading some of her words of wisdom. Anyway, that explains the move, and the moose reference. I haven't taken it to heart, and it doesn't bother me. She obviously doesn't realise that D had his part to play in things, and thinks I was the witch trying to steal him from his girlfriend. Ha! If only she knew... lol

    Anyways. I feel like shite, cos the guy I'm kinda seeing, A, is quite keen on me, and despite him being gorgeous, and really easy to get on with, I can't help feeling there's just something missing. I don't know whether to carry on seeing him to try to work out what it is (and maybe fix it), or just stop things now before they get too messy and people get too hurt. I don't know. It's hard cos I do really like him. But relationship wise? I just don't know.
    To add complications to this (cos my life is just full of them), there's another guy, T, who I've known for a while now, who apparently is kicking himself for not telling me how he felt about me sooner, then maybe me and him may be in place of me and A. And again, I really like T, and we get on great, but I'm not quite sure if we'd click relationship wise... But then you don't know unless you try, right?

    Why are men like buses? You wait ages to get one that's lovely and gorgeous, and 2 come along at once... Typical.

    So now, I hide here in peace...

    I had to move here from my last blogsite. Someone read what I had written, and knew the person I was writing about, so they left me some quite nasty comments. It's made trouble for the person I was writing about, and made me feel like shit because of it. So I had no choice but to move.

    Here, no-one knows my name. No-one will ever see my face, and I will never mention any names in full.

    Here I sit, hiding in the shadows. Hiding from the world.