I don't quite know what's happening with me at the moment. Everyday I get up, I have this feeling that I'm not actually here... just sort of, I don't know, invisible almost. I feel like a washed out colour. Something that used to be bright and bold, but now it's faded, and there's just a paleness left.
I've never had a very social life anyway, not since I left school and started college. I never fitted in there. Everyine had their own groups already formed from knowing each other from school. So for me it was hard to try and 'fit in' to any other groups. I guess now that it's been like this for so many years, I'm used to it. At work now, there's 'groups'. People that hang out together, sit together, go out together... I'm not one of those people. I get on with everyone, but I don't actually exist to them. No-one purposfully comes to sit next to me, because they genuinley want to have my company. I've sat next to 'friends' before - the people I get on with most, but I have no confidence. I can't start up an interesting conversation, or come out with something witty. So I may aswell be sat on my own for the amount I say. Take yesterday form example. I was sat around V, M, and D. They're all laughing and chatting away, all I can do is smile at their jokes, throw in the odd comment. But mostly, I'm an outsider. Today, I'm sat alone. And I feel alone. Not just because there arn't people around me, but I feel alone, and lonely, and I don't know what to do about it. For some reason today seems to be particularly bad. I got up this morning, and felt an overwhelming sense of lonliness, emptiness, and just overall sadness. It's still with me.
I just keep thinking, is this how things are going to be? I get up, go to work, come home, sleep, and do it all over again, with a load of money problems, and other things thrown in to worry about. I'm 22, and I have all that to deal with already. I'm struggling with it. Since I was 16 I've been struggling with my life, and all the things I've had to deal with. I don't know how much longer I can do it. This isn't living, it's just existing. If other people can have a fulfilled life, with happiness, friends, and not having so many problems to deal with, why can't I? Surely it's not too much to ask? But then, all I'ver ever wanted since I was 16 is some happiness, so I guess maybe it is too much to ask... Maybe all I'll ever have is problems, depression, and loneliness. In which case, what's the point. Why bother struggling on anymore.
I saw my ex the other day, the one I was with for 2 years, went to Cambridge with etc... He's finally got a job he enjoys in games programming, and he's seeing a Russian girl, who he seems really happy with. I'm really happy for him, but I can't help feeling jealous. I know I did some terrible things when we were together, but why can I never find that kind of relationship? Also, V at work is engaged and planning her wedding for next year. I've met her fiance C, and you can see they were meant to be together. I want that so badly. To be loved, to be wanted, to love that person back unconditionally. But then surely in the emotional mess I'm in right now, who the hell would want me... Even I don't want me right now.
And so the downwards spiral continues...