Stupid bint

I can't believe I ever doubted J. Course he's not fucking cheating on me, why would I ever even entertain that thought?! He loves me more than anyone ever has, and here I am doubting that and snooping around in his emails trying to find evidence that just doesn't exist. So he joined up to a website over a month ago - I don't think he's even been back on there since he joined up!! He probably joined up because he was trying to do something else, and you have to join one of three websites before it lets you go any further. Hell, I've done the same in the past. Everything between us is fantastic. He's either with me at home, or he's at work. He has no time to go off meeting any other girl. He's never secretive when he's on the laptop and I'm next to him, and even yesterday he was checking his emails whilst I was sat within reading distance. If he i cheating, then he's the best damn lier I've ever known, and I've known a few.

So, the madness that is my paranoia stops here. We have a great relationship, and neither of us is going to be so fucking stupid as to ruin that.

Silence is golden

Well I checked 'Kittys' AFF emails.... no reply from J. So I checked J's AFF emails. My email hasn't been read. Surely that's a good thing right? Must mean he hasn't been on his account. Still doesn't give me any proof one way or the other though. I still can't believe that J would do something like that though. I've been cheated on before, and they always seem to act differently - distant and jumpy. J isn't like that at all. I know I could just be being naive, but I just can't believe he'd do that.

I did find something in his emails though which pissed me off. A few weeks ago me and J placed an Ann Summers order *ahem*. It was done through a lady at work, but all done very discretely and no-one but us knew about it. Well I'm the kinda person who doesn't want other people knowing what I get up to n my private life like that. Anyway. J had sent an email with our shopping list of items on it to his brother!! He'd even included a small description from the website of what the items were!! I'm so embarrassed!!

Anyways. Will keep on checking AFF for possible evidence... Never thought I'd have to do this with J...

The next step...

So, I found a way to contact J on the AFF website... I've managed to send him a message (well, my alias Kitty has) asking if he wants to chat etc... So now I just gotta wait for the reply...

One thing I did notice is when I got home from work last night, he seemed to shut the laptop down very quickly when I walked through the door... But then apart from suspicion, I have no proof or anything else, other than knowing he signed up to AFF in June this year, and is looking for NSA...

I'm going crazy here. The guy I know is sweet and seems to love me more than anyone ever has, but the guy I'm finding out about seems to be looking for sex behind my back on an internet site... I just hope I'm wrong about all this...

Disasterous digging.....

Ok, I've done something really stupid, and have found something I never wanted to see...
I looked through J's emails... more out of boredom and curiosity than anything. I know - really really bad stupid thing to do. Thing is though, I've found an email from the Adult Friend finder website, with his password in - he joined up to them in June this year!! Not only that, but although he hasn't mentioned that he's single on there, he's certainly not mentioned being in a relationship. His profile is looking for intimate email/chat, 1-on-1 sex, couples etc.... Why would he be on here looking for people?! I don't understand...
I've tried to join myself but as someone else, so I could contact him and try to find out more, but you have to actually pay to look at profiles/send messages etc. So although he's on there, he can't contact anyone.... but that's not the point... I obviously can't mention anything to him about it, cos then he'd know I'd been through his emails... I dunno what to do!! Am so confused about it....

Evil tasty food

So the 'diet' of the Adios tablets and trying to stay off the take-aways isn't going too well. I think the tablets are mainly keeping my weight stable-ish, rather than helping me lose it. I don't want to stop eating things I like though, cos that just makes me miserable. If I want a Pizza Hut delivery on a Friday evening then I'm going to damn well have one and not feel guilty about it. See this wouldn't be a problem if I was exercising more, or using the video, or something... But I'm not. I just can't be fucking arsed. Meh I give up.

Aside from my see-saw weight issues, something that has smoothed out is me and J. Since our conversation and him giving up the ganja, we've no fallen out once. In fact, things have been better than ever. He's even mentioned that one day he'd love me to be *gasp* his wife...!! Now in past relationships, if that'd been mentioned to me, I'dve run a mile... but this time, it doesn't scare me at all. The 'one-day' bit certainly helps though. Well, watch this space with that :)

Still not heard anything about the job I applied for though... another 'watch this space' moment... grrr...