Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Wednesday, May 22, 2013


It's done. We're done.

We had another argument over the weekend. It started as a good night - we went out to see the new Star Trek film with L & F, then went on for some drinks. Mr Tall got into his usual drunken state of telling me how much he loved me and wants to marry me one day (every time, the same lines). We got back in the early hours, had a minor disagreement about a girls t-shirt that I found on his floor (it was brand new - tags still attached and never been worn. He said his dad (who lives in France) had sent it over as a present from Disneyland for an ex) and we went to bed. Cos of the drunkeness, he was still pawing me and asking if I was ok (I actually really was ok, just needed sleep). He kept going on and on, and I snapped and stomped into the living room. We argued, and he snapped too - told me to get out. I said that was fine and started packing up my stuff. Then he realised what he said and kept trying to stop me - kept grabbing onto me. I told him to get off over and over. He never listened. There was some pushing and struggling and my hand accidentally connected with his face... I was just trying to pull my arm away. We carried on arguing, which eventually turned into talking, and I stayed, but it wasn't right. That was the last straw. I knew then this couldn't go on. The other stuff I could maybe learn to deal with, to ignore. But arguments turning violent is not something I will ever put up with.

So now he thinks I've just been using him/messing him around and I'm a cold hearted bitch for just ending it so suddenly. I think I might continue letting him think that. If he believes I'm a bitch then this'll be easier to deal with and accept.
Problem is, the last text he sent me asked if I was going to go round before he ended up doing something stupid that can't be undone... I've tried asking what this 'something stupid is' but I'm getting no reply. I'm hoping he's just trying to play games and make me worried so I change my mind.

Ok, so I just messaged one of his mates on FB that I know he's been speaking to about, all 'this'. She says he's drinking beer and playing PlayStation. Doesn't sound like his threat was suicidal then. He probably meant try and get off with some random girl as a rebound thing. Or maybe he just meant to worry me, with no intention of doing anything. Well, he's not my responsibility. He can do what he likes now. As can I.

Yes we had some really nice times, and were pretty good in lots of ways. But the ways we wern't so good together were too big and too ugly to ignore or put up with. I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us, I really am. I hoped this could have been 'it'. And I tried. I really tried. You can't make yourself love someone though, and the more time I spend being 'us', the more I realise it just won't happen.

Back to the drawing board I guess... but just not yet. Time to be single. Again. Fuck, I'm going to be old and lonely with cats.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Phantom Pheelings

Turns out my 'revelation' wasn't much of a revelation. I'm back to not being sure whether I love Mr Tall or not. I do like him a hell of a lot, but man he pisses me off sometimes. He has this, arrogant, narcicistinc side that I absolutely hate. But he seems to be absolutely besotted with me. Even to the point where a couple of times I've had to ask him to back off because I've simply felt so suffocated. Yeah, I know, I crave love and attention and affection, and then when I get it, it's too much and I want less.

A couple of weeks ago he 'moved in' with me. It was planned as a temporary thing for 3 weeks, just to see how things go. Turns out, it didn't go so well. After two weeks I'd had enough and told him I needed space. Was it too much too soon? Was I simply realising that I didn't want him as much I hoped I did? Was he behaving differently so that I felt so smothered I just simply couldn't breathe any more? Well the last one was definately true. So this weekend I went over as usual, but I was all prepared to break up with him. I'd decided we both wanted/needed different things from a partner. He needed someone who needed as much togetherness as he did, and I needed someone who had their own life outside of 'us' and could bear to spend one night in seperate beds (long story - I needed sleep, he was keeping me awake with his figeting, I went to sleep in the spare room for one night, we fell out and argued for 2hrs, which lasted a whole weekend. Apparently he just can't sleep at all without me there...).

Anyway, that Friday night I went over, and I could tell it wasn't going to be easy. By Sunday night I had decided to at least give this another week... Bollocks. I don't think I love him, and I don't see myself being with him at all long-term. So why the fuck can I not just break up with him?! It can't be just for the sex, because although it is pretty good, I don't always get mine, so just end up feeling a bit used just so he can get his. Am I just scared of being alone again? I do like having the attention and having someone think I'm awesome (this is weird, so far, all my recent ex's have all told me at some point I'm awesome - that exact word. If I'm that awesome why the hell am I not with Mr Perfect?!), and yes, it is nice having someone spend money on me like he does (although that is definately not the reason I'm staying with him. I could never bring myself to be that shallow). I just can't work it out.

Guess for now I'll stick things out and see how it all goes. See if any feelings develope - love, hate, whatever. Just something would be helpful.