Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Friday, May 23, 2008

Here we go again...

So again I'm wondering if 'all this' was a good idea. When I'm with you, in your arms, I want nothing else. But when we're apart, I'm left wondering if I really do want to carry on with this. There's just so many little things I wish I could change about you. But I shouldn't want to change you, I should love you for who you are.
So why do these little things matter so much? I don't know. What I do know is that I've had enough of feeling like this. I've had enough of trying to second guess your thoughts, and being so paranoid that you've lost interest in me.

So your music taste is vastly different from mine - does that really matter?
So you don't drink, so we never go out anywhere after work, or on a weekend. Is that really so bad?
So you only put one arm around me when we snuggle in bed... is that really something to get upset about?

Am I just trying to find faults to get out of this, or are all the little things mounting up into something bigger, that can't be ignored...
I know relationships aren't perfect, and whoever you end up with is going to have flaws and faults. I know that. And aside from all those little things, you're a sweet bloke, who seems to love me.
I guess I just need some reassurance more often than I thought.

I've had enough of feeling like this, and I don't know what to do about it...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me at the moment. I feel kind of distant from everything. I'm struggling with my feelings. Not just with J, but for D as well. I guess I still hold a place for him in my heart. I've accepted that we're over, and that there's no chance of us getting back together, but I can't help that longing feeling when I see him. Wondering how things could be now if it had of worked out.
Don't get me wrong, I love J to bits, and couldn't imagine being without him now. But his smoking is causing a bit of friction.

His brother came round on Saturday, and they spent the afternoon/evening/night smoking. I ended up going upstairs and watching TV in the bedroom, just because I didn't want to be around him in the state he was in. It's not that he gets violent, or abusive, he's just not nice to be around. It's like trying to have a conversation with a zombie. Add to that him snapping at me and getting defensive for no reason, and he's just not a person I want to be anywhere near.

He's always asked if I mind him having a joint occasionally, and I've always said that it's up to him. I've told him I don't like it, and I prefer it if he doesn't, but the decision in the end is up to him. I guess I'm hoping to myself that he'll choose not to. For me. But he never has. He's always skinned up and carried on, than wonders why I get a bit quiet with him.

I've thought about asking him to quit it, but I don't feel I have the right to. I want him to quit, but I want him to quit because he wants to, not because I've asked. I don't want him to resent me for asking, or feel like he has to. Saying that though, it does bother me. I love him to bits and want to spend time with him, and when he's been smoking I want to be no-where near him. I hate that. I shouldn't be made to feel like that.

My initial instinct tells me to talk to him about it. I'm just not so sure it's a good idea.