Emotional see-saw

So things with me and Mr Maybe-Perfect are going ok still. Found a few niggles, though nothing serious. Like, he comes round to mine on an evening or at the weekend, and he'll just make himself a coffee without asking. Sure he'll ask if I want anything too, but that's not the point. I find it kinda rude that there's no 'do you mind if I...'. And I never stated he could help himself, he just, did it... And the other night he was round, and the doorbell went. He just went and answered it... Didn't ask if I wanted him to... I don't know whether I'm being really pedantic over this, but I do find it really rude... I'd certainly never do that in someone elses house. Plus, I'll make dinner, and he'll have a gigantic plateful that's more than double what I have... I don't know where he puts it. That annoys me too.

So yeah... I'm not sure whether 'this' is going to be going anywhere or not... the height issue still niggles at me too. Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship at all. I still don't feel like I can truly open up and allow myself to have those kinda feelings. Plus, I found out the other day that Fraz was having a house party last night for his birthday on Monday. Kinda upset/annoyed me, cos I'd spent the whole of yesterday sat at home on my own, bored out my head. Even if I wanted to have a party, who the fuck would I invite?! Pisses me off that he wouldn't have any friends down here to invite if it wasn't for me. And why the fuck should his life be working out just fine, and mine still sucks.
Yeah, I have a lot of anger issues towards him still.

That wasn't the plan

After dwelling on it all last night, and all today, I just rang Mr Maybe-Perfect to finish it... After 20 minutes I found myself starting to believe that he didn't say 'that', and maybe I did mishear... After another 10 minutes I was agreeing to keep on seeing him and get to know him, as apparently then I'd see for myself that he's just not the type of person to lie and bullshit about anything, let alone this, and even his mates would tell me that....

I was worried I'd be throwing away something that could be epically good, over something I couldn't be 100% sure of, but I told myself the risk of being hurt trumped the risk of something epic. What's a few months though, just to see? If anything else comes up, then we're done, and he's already aware of that. If it doesn't though, I may just have that something epic... And sure, I may end up with a broken heart again, but I've fixed it so many times before, what's once more... Just need to stock up on sticky-tape and blu-tack...

...Wha...?!

I'm more confused, baffled, freaked out and speachless then I can ever remember being...

So Mr Perfect Not-So-Perfect came round tonight before heading off to work. While I'm there cooking up some sweet and sour, he asks if he can ask me something (yes, I replied with the typical 'well you just have...'). He asked what were my two apologies for on Sunday - he knew one was for not spending the afternoon together, but was confused at the second.... So I said it was because I didn't reply to him. A look of confusion swept accross his face - reply to what? Well, I said, in the morning, when you said, y'know... Still the confusion remained.... When you said 'I love you' and I didn't reply... I never said that!.... He was adament that he never said it - wouldn't ever say it after a week....

Ok, so either one of two things have happened. Either he's right and never said it, and therefore I must've imagined it, lost my marbles completely and now portraying myself as some looney who hears voices....
Or he's back-tracking and trying to cover up the fact that he used the L word which wasn't reciprocated, and now has to create some bullshit to cover it up....

I don't like either scenario. I especially don't like the second one as it means that I have to finish with him, and fast. There is no way on this earth I'm getting stuck with another guy who thinks lying is a viable option and who makes me question my own mind. I mean, is is even possible I could have imagined it?! Why the hell would I! And why at that exact moment?! And why has it taken him two whole days to question the 2nd apology?! Something doesn't add up...



Unless I can find some scientific proof that shows I imagined it, or that maybe he said it and honestly can't remember, I've just achieved a new record for my shortest relationship....



Fuck. I really liked him too...

That 'oh shit' moment

Last night was awesome. I arranged a night out some of us from work - originally there was supposed to be 15 of us, but after people dropped out last minute there were just 7 of us that actually made it. We went to a Thai/Chinese place in town - I'd never been before, but some of the girls had and said it was a decent place to go. The food was really nice, and the service was spot on (well I'dve been pissed off if it wasn't, there was only our table in there for an hour, and only 3 tables when we left!)
After that, we hit the town. Some went home early, and it ended up being me, Mr Perfect, Kate from work, and her daughter Becca. We stayed out for another couple of hours, and had such a laugh, it was fab!

So from a fab night, so an awkward morning... Mr Perfect stayed round at mine again, and we'd been getting on great. Even Kate had been telling me all night how lovely he was and how pleased she was for me. So this morning, we're there half way through, well, y'know... and he looks at me, and says in this really serious voice, 'I love you'... Shock doesn't quite cover it... I'm lying there, stunned.... I can't say it back, yet he's looking at me, expecting something... How the fuck do I get out of this one?! I can't tell him I love him, becuase I'm not sure I do - those walls are making sure of that, but what am I supposed to say instead?! Thanks?! How about not saying anything... Instead just smiling and burying my head in the side of his neck and carrying on with the task at hand... Although I couldn't concentrate on anything after that, all I could think was that I was a terrible person and god knows what he must be thinking now... As for snuggling afterwards, there was this awkward silence that's never happened before... It was awful. He's not said anything about it, and neither have I, but I feel I need to apologise, or something... I don't know - I've never had this problem before. When it's been said to me before, I've always been able to say it back.

I'm so very obviously broken...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I sent him a text earlier, apologising for not dealing with it a bit better or at least saying something... I explained I was just a bit suprosed and didn't quite know how to react, and that I'm scared shitless of opening up and getting hurt again. Told him I didn't want him to think I wasn't into him/us, cos I really am, and that I loved spending time with him, and it'd just take a bit more time before I was in 'that' place...

That was a 6:30...

I sent him another at 10:00 simply asking if we were ok...

I'm still waiting for a reply...

I know, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the lack of reply. But he always replies, always texts me no matter what he's doing... This is out of the ordinary, and it's too much of a coincidence for me to not be worried. In fact, I actually feel physically sick...


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

...and just as I'm writing that last paragraph, guess who starts ringing me..! Aparently he fell asleep - I know it sounds weird - but he works nights, so has a really crappy sleep pattern. As he's on a 12hr night shift tomorrow he was getting some sleep in to make sure he'd be awake for work. Anyways - he says everything is fine with us, he knows it's only been a few weeks, and completely understands where I'm coming from, and that he isn't going anywhere. Said if there's ever a problem he'll say, not play mind games and not talk to me for hours. So looks like we are ok after all. I can go to bed and not stress about all this now.

A tall order

Well haven't things changed in the space of just a few weeks... Let me fill you in.

I had a date the Sunday after my last head-fuck post - just a coffee in town. Was really nice. In fact, it was so nice, that a quick coffee turned into a long coffee, which turned into going bowling for a couple of hours. He even asked if I fancied going for some food too (I declined that offer, as tempting as it was). It was fab. He is an absolute gentleman, and we have absolutely everything in common. There's only one small problem... he's about half an inch shorter than me, and I'm just under 5'5 (so not quite the 5'7 he had on his profile - the next Mr Man looks to be a Mr Small, although that maybe implies other shortcomings... Maybe this is my Mr Perfect after all....). Ok, so maybe the height difference is axagerated by the fact that Mr Tall was just that - really tall, but still... can I get over this? I've never dated a guy thats shorter than me. They've all been taller - even if it's been half an inch, it's been half an inch in the right direction.
Anyways, I told myself he was far too good to simply ditch him over a little height issue, so we arranged to go out to dinner the following weekend (this last Sat gone). Again, it was a fab evening. We went to a lovely Chinese place in Liversidge, the food was amazing, and there was no awkward silences at all. Afterwards we went to a pub for a drink (original intention was some games of pool, but that soon came to an end when the white ball got lost in the table).
That led to arranging to meet up on Sunday to watch the F1. That led to him staying over at mine Sunday night... Which last night, ended up in us becoming an official 'couple'. Yep, it's happened.
He seems totally smitten with me (fuck knows how), and says all the right things - that he misses me/that he can't wait to see me/that he thinks I'm beautiful/etc. I want to be smitten, but I can't help being terribly aware of this wall I still have up. I'm hoping it'll just take some time to get rid of it and stop feeling like I'm holding back all the time. Just have to see I guess.

My weight plateau seems to be shifting again too, not by much, but finally it's dropping again. My goal is to lose another stone by May. Then I can go out to see my mum and be happy to go down to the beach in a bikini. That'd make me happier than ever. I'm still chuffed I've lost a stone already. It's only taken me 8yrs to finally start sorting my weight out, but thank fuck I have.

-untitled-

Well I managed to get myself out of, whatever it was the other weekend. I had a mate come up from London for the whole weekend. Was nice to have some company and have a laugh for a change. Certainly pulled me out the depths of despair and wallowing. Still teetering on the edge though.

Fuck it, can't even manage to get the stuff in my head into words now either... TBC...