Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Can't take anymore...

I don't quite know what's happened, but suddenly, I'm struggling to cope with things. I can't stand my job anymore. I've been thinking of leaving for a few months now, but it's always been more 'if something turns up...'. Now, it's more 'I need something else so I can get out of here...'. It's not just the job itself that's getting to me, it's the awful shift patterns, meaning I don't see J at all through the week. When I've been at work all day, and we've been extra busy because we're understaffed, all I want is to see him, get a cuddle, and talk about nonsence. But if I'm on late shifts, he's usually in bed when I get home. If I'm on earlies, he doesn't get home til late, by which time I have to go to bed early. It's horrible. Especially as things are so good between us.
I just want to be somewhere 9-5. Would make things so much easier. Problem is, that any other customer service roles don't pay as much as here, due to our shift allowance. I'd choose another job, something not cust.service, but this is all I've ever done, and I believe I'm damn good at it. I've had enough though. I don't want to be dealing with customers anymore. I want something different. Just wish I knew what the something was, and how to get it.
Right now I feel like curling up and balling my eyes out. It's taking me all my effort not to walk out of work right now, but I know that'd be a really stupid thing to do. Grin and bear it for now, and search like hell for another job. That's all I can do...

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Thought so...

So we were talking last night, and he admitted he wanted a joint last night. Immediately I knew that was the reason for the mood the night before. He even said that he'd rung M to get some more, but had changed his mind and not bothered after all. I've told him that he's much nicer to be around when he's 'sober'. We don't fall out hardly at all, and we can have a conversation without him seeming a bit not all there. Thankfully, he agrees.

Hopefully now things can go back the way they were. No arguments, and no smell throughout my house (although now it's actually our house).

Thank fuck for that.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Is this how it's gunna be....?

I'm starting to wonder now if I made the right decision. Wondering if we should've waited. Maybe it's too soon to tell, and I hope I'm wrong.

He got home last night, came upstairs to find me sitting on the bed. I was upset and in pain. He asked if I was ok, but it sounded more out of politeness than actually caring. I told him what had happened, that I'd come down the stairs from the atic and slipped, banging my feet, legs, hands, and scraping my back one the carpet.
'Aw, you silly thing' he said with a smile. I was in pain, I'd had to sit on the floor after, crying in pair, and feeling like I was going to throw up. I could've done with a hug, some words of affection, just something. I didn't get it. Instead, I got asked 'Do I not get a hug then?', and accused of taking my bad mood out on him. I wasn't in any bad mood. Hadn't been all day. But when you hurt yourself like that, it kind of takes away your happy edge.

After a long hot shower, I went downstairs. It seemed like everytime we fell out, it was always me to make the first move in making up again and apologising, even if it wasn't my fault. I don't like to have bad feeling between us. Things are so much nicer when we get on, it's worth it just to clear things.
So we talked, and sorted things out. I felt better about it all, despite still feeling a little neglected earlier. He said he was ok too, but it wasn't convincing. All evening he was quiet. The odd kiss I got had no affection or love behind it. When his eyes looked at me, but there was no warmth in them.
A few times I asked if he was ok, or still annoyed with me. Everytime was the same reply, that everything was fine. Still I didn't fully believe it. Things didn't change all evening. We went to bed, and I still got a cuddle before turning over to sleep, but I may as well have snuggled into my pillow.

The thing is though, I think I know the reason for his mood. he quit smoking weed about a month ago. Party because he couldn't afford it at the time, and partly because he didn't like it anymore. Saying that he wanted to be himself around me, and not be affected by anything. He didn't need it to enjoy himself anymore. I was so proud of him for that, and so happy that he was giving up. He just wasn't himself after a joint, and we've been getting on so well since he stopped. Not only that, but if it'd been a day or two since he'd had one, he'd get in a mood - like last night. Being really quiet and defensive, but claiming everything was ok. Payday was only last week, and hegot himself one last bag. I tried to persuade him otherwise, but no. He was having this last one. Anyway, it's been a couple of days since he's had one, so I'm wondering if the mood is to do with that. I just hope that this is it. No more weed. I just can't keep on feeling like I've done something wrong, apologising for things that is down to both of us. I love him to bits, but I'm praying this will stop now that he's quit.