Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Long time gone... Part II

Ok so where was I... Oh yeah, catching up on the past 11 months... Though now I have no idea where to start. There's just so many thoughts going round in my head, which one do I pull out first as a starting point...? I don't know. No-one even comes here to read anymore, so what does it matter. I could be writing in complete jibberish and it wouldnt matter. But why should it matter. This space should be for me right, not for you. Not that you exist. But if you did, then this would be for me, not you. Understand? No? Me neither.

Ok, so let's just dive right in. I mean, we've established it makes no difference where the start is, right?

I've noticed recently that everyone is either pregnant or getting married. This is stirring up so many thoughts and emotions it's not even true. Most of those who are pregnant aren't married, and it's a complete accident. I'm old-fashioned when it comes to kids. In my world, people should be married first. Or at least been together more than a couple of years. And unlike my mate and his girlfriend, you should seriously at least be living together. I mean, how irrisponsible can people be?!
It's something I find myself thinking about quite alot. Kids, marriage... I can't see myself ever having either. Kids definately not. I keep thinking maybe as I get older I'll warm to the idea more, and get that maternal instinct or whatever it is. It never happends. Not even slightly. I don't like the idea of being pregnant (well we know what a happy experience that was last time), I certainly don't like the idea of giving birth, and I definately don't like the idea of screaming, pooping, needy babies crying all the time, demanding all of your time 24/7. So I certainly have no intention of kids anytime in the near (or distant) future. Fingers crossed Boi has the same thoughts. I get the impression it's not on his mind, but I've no idea what he wants from the future.
So what about marriage. Well, what about it? It's just a piece of paper right? But every couple gets married. Maybe every couple do it, because every couple do it. I don't know. I don't know where I stand on it. I'm not religious in any way, shape or form. And weddings are supposed to be a religious thing. So how do you have a wedding, that involves no religion at all? You're surely just left with a tacky registry office, that feels like a non-wedding. I know, I've been to some. Even if it was possible to have a big, fancy non-religious wedding, who would want to marry me... Karl did. Well, supposedly he did, but lets face it, he was an alcoholic and was drunk both times he asked me, despite how much he insisted he was serious. At least I was slim and kinda cute and sexy back then. Now? Now I'm fat and lazy, with no motivation, no self confidence, and no friends. Sad huh?
I'm kinda used to having no friends really. I've found it very hard to like people I get to know. There's always reasons why I'd never want to go for a drink with them, or not plan some meal or night out together. Girls are bitches. They judge and they slag off. I do it, so why shouldn't everyone else. I have too much for them to judge and slag off. It would be great to have proper girl friends to hang out with, but how do I get friends at 25, when I have none at all? It's like I'm automatically setting myself up to be judged as 'the sad one'. And lets face it, no-one wants to be friends with 'the sad one'. I can't even make work-friends, as I don't sit near anyone in my office. Well, only the out of hours guys, and there in for 2hrs before I leave. And they're jerks.

I think if I'd have stayed at college, I could've had college friends for life like people do. But I was a loner at college. So, maybe at highschool if I'dve made more friends. But people hated me. Even the 3 'best' friends I had all went to different colleges, and never stayed in touch. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I'm that crazy lady at 80, surrounded by cats and knitting. Well I do like cats, and I can sort of knit... This doesn't look good...

For some reason, Boi loves me. Apparently I'm funny, and according to him, cute. Well if that's enough to keep him then I guess I'm on to an easy thing. Lets just hope he never finds this blog, otherwise he'll realise what a fucking nutcase I am and I won't see him for dust. Who I am now is completely reflective on what's happened in my past. I can see that. But how the hell do I change who I am? How do I forget my fucked-up life to make a better one now?

Urgh, now I just feel worse... Maybe I'll come back to this later...


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