Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Sunday, April 07, 2013

Nothing is ever simple

I'll cut out a load of waffle and just cut to it. 1st of March, me and Mr Tall are now officially in a relationship. Yep, I decided to stop pissing about and just make it happen. I've had a few unsure moments, trying to work out whether I've done the right thing and if I'm really ready for this, but the longer it's been, the more ok with it I've felt. Only now, this weekend, this 'being ok with it' has developed further and opened up a whole new can of worms.

A couple of weeks ago I started saying 'I love you' back. I'm not one to say it if I don't mean it, and it has felt right, if not a little weird. This weekend though, I've had a revelation, that I actually do love him a whole fuck-load more than I thought possible, and I actually really don't want to lose him. Because of this sudden revelation, and my paranoia (which is still taking up residence in my head, much to my disgust), I've ended up in tears twice. Well, three times if you count the hour I've just spent in the shower balling my eyes out whilst trying not to wash shampoo into my eyes/nose/mouth... I can't bear the thought that there's a possibility that he can hurt me just like Fraz did, and this would be all over, and I'd be a complete broken mess (more so than now). I'm so terrified that he's going to realise I'm a complete fucking nut, change his mind, and go off with the first pretty girl that smiles at him. I know his past, I know he can get any girl he wants. And yes, I know, right now, he wants me, and not just as a quick one-night fumble, but as an actual proper girlfriend, and that's awesome, and I feel so lucky that he's picked me... I just can't help wondering how long it'll be until he has his own revelation that he doesn't want me afterall.
Why am I so hell-bent on screwing things up?! Thankfully up to now he's said he's fine with my paranoia, and that he understands, and actually thinks it's sweet because it shows I care so much. If I carry on like this, in 6 months time he'll be surely running for the hills... I have no confidence in me. I don't know quite why he's with me, or why he seems to love me so much (I didn't quite believe that either tbh, but I'm realising it slowly...). He must do - he's already said he wants to move in with me (at some point - there's no rush on this from either of us). Why would he say he wants that if he didn't mean how he feels? He'd be moving out of his home-town, away from his mates (some of them are just absolute cunts, and I don't think he's bothered about them, but still), and into a place where everything is new, and he knows no-one but me (and my friends... ha!). I guess it'd be a good opportunity for us both to go out as a couple and meet new people, get new friends for us both...

I wish I could just wipe my mind clear of all the crap, so it's totally free to start a fresh with no baggage and no head-fuck. It's so not fair on him to have to deal with all my shit (not that he knows half of it, I'm not so mental that I want him to know everything - that would be the final nail in our relationship coffin). I just hope that given some time I can chill out a bit, and stop being so fucked-up. I also hope that 'some time' means no longer than a month. Maybe two at absolute most. I can't deal with it for longer than that, never mind him...

God I wish my mum wasn't in Greece right now. I need to talk to her so badly sometimes, and it's just not the same over a strained phone-line or over multiple texts. At least if she doesn't know all this, she can't worry about me. I've given her too many worries already through my life, she doesn't need any more unecessary ones.

Deep breath, cup of tea, go to bed. Hopefully all I'll have tomorrow is the remnants of puffy eyes and feeling like a complete tit for being so dramatic. Again.