Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Monday, May 28, 2012

Hopefully optimistic

Had a bit of a crash the other day though - saw Fraz on POF... Totally wasn't expecting that... Can't believe he thinks he's ready for another relationship already when there's no way he'll have sorted out his problem... If it is a problem... Maybe that was just another lie to make excuses for what he did... Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, but I can't help it hurting just a little that he's looking for someone else. I know, I know - I've been looking for someone else for months, but to start with it was the only way I found I could deal with what had happened. I wasn't ready to start something new, but I needed that attention and affection to validate myself all over again. I'm in a much better place now. Just wish that he didn't keep popping up every time I manage to forget about him... Really hope I don't see him at Stanford, or the urge to smash his face in may get the better of me... But then, I hope I do see him, cos then he'll see me with my Mr Tall. I won't know if he'll be happy for me or utterly devastated, but in my mind it'll be the latter, and that'll make my day...

Well the weekend with Mr Tall went as well as I hoped. Things are really comfortable with us, which is great. After the F1 quali on Saturday we went and sat by the canal for a few hours in the sun - talking and tanning, it was fab. So why can't I help that niggling doubt that keeps telling me it'll fall apart... That he'll decide I'm not good enough... That he'll lie to me... Why? Cos I'm damaged... I know that not all people are the same. I know there are good, honest people out there. I know that I usually end up for the ones that aren't. I'm so scared of being emotionally torn apart all over again, yet I know it's worth the risk. I know that somewhere there's that perfect match for me. I don't believe in there being just one true love for everyone, though it's still a needle-in-haystack scenario... Well if you don't search, you'll never find... I'm not giving up just yet. I may just be surprised and find Mr Tall is actually my Mr Perfect...

Monday, May 21, 2012

Ups and downs. And more Ups.

I finally decided that me and J are definitely not going to be getting back together. I've been round to his a couple of times since we got back in touch. It was like old times in a lot of ways. Unfortunately not all of those ways were a good thing. It was tempting to agree to give things another try, but after getting home one morning and finding that my clothes stank of cigs... no thank you... He may have cut out the weed, and may be smoking less than before, but it's not something I can overlook. I've not been back since, despite a couple of invites.

So the search continued on POF. I thought I'd hit the jackpot with the lovely Matt from Spalding. He was cute, funny, and shared my love for engines and F1. We got on great, spoke on the phone a few times, had those first text in the morning/last text at night moments. So I went down to see him over May bank holiday. Imagine the shock horror to realise there was no spark. None. Nada. Instead of staying there for 5 nights as planned, I was on my way home less than 24hrs later. I was actually surprised how disappointed I was. We got on so well before, but face to face was just like meeting a different person - it made me nervous and uncomfortable, so I guess I came across as a different person too.
We've spoke briefly since, and he's mentioned meeting up again and seeing if it was just nerves that got in the way... I've made it clear it's not going to happen. If there's no instant spark the first time, it's hardly going to happen the 2nd right? Plus I don't fancy another 2-3hr drive again for it to not be worth it again...

Back to the drawing board, and by this point, I'm loosing all interest in POF. Trying to find 'decent' among the weirdo, fugly, and chavvy types is just exhausting.

That's where Mr Tall comes in (6'3! Least I have no worries about wearing heels around him...). So he's noticed my interest list, and seems to have the same list. We spend the following few hours talking about F1, and he casually says I should drop into his for a cuppa if I'm not busy over the weekend. He's only in Leeds, so no 3hr drive this time. What the hell - what's the worst that can happen...? Well I'm happy to report there was no worst. In fact, it was fab. I went over Saturday afternoon, and didn't leave til almost 10. He's just lovely, and there was more than a little chemistry. He seems to be almost everything I like in a guy. Only problem was the stubble was kinda rugged at first, then I found it was just pure torture. Apparently he doesn't do clean-shaven. Ever. Bugger... People have done worse for love though right? ;) We can work on that.
So anyways - we got on that well that I'm going back over there next weekend for the F1, and he's coming with me to the Stanford car show in June (can't wait to see Fraz's face..!!).

Because of Mr Tall, I've told Mr Persistent I'm backing off. I was going to tell him it was off completely because I didn't see 'us' as a couple', but lost my bottle and told him I just can't do serious relationship stuff just yet. I'm not going to see him for the next two weekends anyways, so I can see how things with Mr Tall go, and if it looks good, I can tell Mr Persistent it's off for good. I know, I shouldn't be hedging my bets and keeping my options open, but I know my luck. And it sucks.

Anyways - aside from all the guy-stuff that's been going on, I finally got round to trying out contact lenses. It's only taken me 2yrs from when I first started wearing glasses... I've found, that despite the initial uncomfortableness, and the fact it takes me ages to get them in, they're fab. Why have I not used these before?! Definitely something I'm going to look into more. Hah, no pun intended!