Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Monday, December 31, 2007


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

To you lot...

~**~ ~**~ ~**~ ~**~
Hav a Hapee Kreestmiz & a stonkin Nu Yeer!!!

~**~ ~**~ ~**~ ~**~

Being at work on Christmas Day sucks... even if it is on triple time....


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Back to haunt me

This is killing me...

About a month ago, I found out one of my colleagues at work is pregnant. I am happy for her, but it's brought up some real painful memories. Especially as she's only 20 and is now showing a substantial bump.
Everyone else keeps asking her how she is, about possible names, congratulating her... I can't... I can't even look at her... It just hurts so much. I had that chance, and I decided against it. I know I made the right decision, but the guilt still kills me inside. Usually I manage to push it as far back in my mind as I can and get on with my life, but now, I have a constant visual reminder. I'm really struggling to not let it bother me.
I haven't told J about that part of my life, so I can't even talk to him about it. Have had several oportunities when I could have told him, when he's noticed somehing is bothering me on an evening, and told me I can tell him anything. I haven't. I want to, so he understands why I keep getting down, but I don't want him to know at the same time. I'm ashamed of what I did. I don't want him to be ashamed of me aswell. Or even worse, judge me for it.

What makes it worse, is that my ex who was involved in the above guilt-ridden scenario, is dating & living with one of my mates at work. We didn't have a happy relationship, and an even less-happy break up, so needless to say he's not someone I'd be wanting to bump into again. So more nice memories to be reminded about.

Why can't the past simply stay in the past. Fuck knows what I'm supposed to do about all this...

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Am I?

You've not said those three little words again since Thursday night. I'm thinking it's because you know I won't say it back to you. But all weekend has got me thinking... I looked at you yesterday, and actually felt drawn to you. My heart wanted to be close to you. Something I've not really felt yet. Sure I've wanted to be with you, but I've had doubts. Now, I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be apart from you. I don't want to be without you. So do I? Can I say those three little words to you, and know that I mean them with every breath? I keep thinking about it, and stopping myself. I want to be sure, cos I can't take it back if I decide I need more time. I know you'll say it back to me, and I know you'll mean it. I just want to do this right.

So do I wait? Or do I tell you that I think I love you...?