Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Monday, September 13, 2010

How do you get an answer to a question you don't want to ask...?

Well I've been feeling better about the whole 'does he really love me' bollox. I know he does. He tells me and i can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. I still don't understand why - paranoid, unstable, fugly mess that I am. But he does. And that's all that matters. So for the past couple of weeks I've been a lot happier about pretty much everything. But as always, it didn't last long.

So I've been thinking about getting another piercing (my 13th actually), possibly in either the conch or rook of my right ear - mainly to even out the fact that at the moment I have 6 in my left, and 5 in my right. Plus, well I like it, so why the hell not.
Anyways. Having trolled through some old forum posts about piercings that me and the bf are members of, I stumbled about a conversations about VCH piercings. Reading further through it, the bf had commented that he loves them, and thinks they're awesome. Now initially, I saw this as a good thing, having thought about said metal decoration for a few years, but never having the balls to actually go through with it. But then, my over-active, pessimistic thoughts kicked in. Knowing his ex (the one he's still friends with) is a fan of tattoo's and piercings, I wondered if she had hers done. The last thing I want is to have something his ex has to remind him of, well, 'things'... But how the hell do I ask him without sounding like a complete fruit-bat...? 'Sweetie, strange question - does/did your ex have her clit pierced?' Yeah great opening line that. I know we have the type of relationship where we can have open, honest conversations about stuff, which is awesome, but I don't want him thinking I'm this paranoid, jealous loon - even if I am. He doesn't need to know that. So apart from asking her directly (which will obviously make me look even more of a tool), I'm not going to know unless I ask him. And if it turns out she does/did have it done, then what do I do?!
I want it done for me, but I don't want him to be reminded of her. And I don't want her stopping me from getting it. Why do I insist on making everything so fucking complicated!! Add to that the fact I've already (jokingly) offered to get it done for his birthday in a couple of weeks, which he seemed to be more than happy with. So whatever I do, I've only got a couple of weeks to decide, and get it sorted!!

It's bothering me though. Why the hell does his ex seem to be getting to me so much. I mean, she's his ex, so they obviously broke up for some reason. But then they've stayed friends too, so it can't have been too bad.
He's with me. If he loved her and not me, he wouldn't have moved down here to be with me, and away from her. So why do I feel so threatened by her?! It makes no reasonable sense. I so badly want to not care about her, or their past. Everyone has a past with someone. Even me and my many disaters.

I need to stop being so fucking insecure. But how hell do I just do that...?


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