Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Friday, June 27, 2008

The right choice

Last Saturday me and J very nearly broke up. He told me he wasn't going to give up smoking weed anytime soon, and I made the decision to not let that ruin the best thing I've ever had. We made a kind of compromise that he wouldn't get totally mashed every night, and I would try to deal with it a bit longer, and see if things got better.
Anyways, it seems I made the right decision in giving this another chance, because last night he told me he was going to give up completely. Not just cut it down, but actually stop it. I couldn't believe it!! I told him that I was fine with the compromise we made, but he said he'd thought about it, and decided that he didn't like smoking it anymore, and it wasn't worth risking our relationship over. It's totally restored my faith that me and J can make this work. I do love him to its, and I know he loves me. So yeah, I made the right choice for a change :)

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Aside from the love life looking great, I have to tell you about a recent purchase of mine... Now, I'm not much of a label/fashion whore. I buy stuff because I like it, and I can afford it - not because of what designer label it has on it.
Well I've been searching around for a new handbag for a while now, and I've finally found one...

I kinda fell in love with this gorgeous Juicy Couture bag when I saw it on Ebay. Am shocked at myself for how much I paid for it though... £50 incl postage... eek!! Just glad that J doesn't get annoyed at my shoe & handbag buying impulses.

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Some other news going on in my life, I've applied for a new job!! It's within the company I'm at now, but in a different department. It means I can scrap the silly shift working hours - no more 6am starts and 10pm finishes. It's in the rental team, basically sorting out rental vehicles for our accident dept. The pay isn't quite as good as what I'm on at the mo, but I'm willing to lose that if it means I see J more. So I handed in my application yesterday. Just gotta keep my fingers crossed now!!

So, a new bag, a possible new job, and a restored glowy feeling about my relationship. Things are good right now... and I'm happy.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Another chance...

Well it looks like me and J sorted out whatever it was that happened on Saturday. He came home after work, and we talked it all over. As far as he was concerned, the email he sent me wasn't snapping at me, and there was nothing wrong. Again I was made to feel it was all my fault... So I ended up telling him I wanted to stop the smoking. I told him I hated who he became when he was on it, and that he was a twat to be around a few days after this as well. He seemed to have a think about it, but ended up saying that he couln't, and wouldn't, just give it up like that. Apparently that's what he and his brother have in common, and it gives them a reason to hang out. He doesn't intent on getting so mashed any time soon, but if he goes somewhere and is offered a joint, then he won't say no. He does intend to quit sometime, but it will be just that - sometime. Not quite the answer I would've liked.
For a while, I thought about ending it. I told him I had a choice between ending it now because I didn't want to keep putting up with it, or to put up with it a bit longer, and hope it faded out sooner rather than later... He looked a bit upset. That was reassuring at least. I knew he honestly didn't want to break up, not deep inside.

So, we're trying to make it work, again. Neither of us want to split up. We do both love each other, I know that. It's only been 7+ months anyway... not as though we've tried everything and things still aren't working out. One thing we're trying to change is shifts at work. It's getting to both of us that we don't see each other enough through the week, and also on a weekend if one of us is working. Hopefully I can move back onto my 8-8 shifts (8-4 / 12-8). I'll have to lose my shift bonus, but it'll save me money from taxis at 5am, and if it helps to save my relationship, then it'll be well worth it.

Another future change will be where we're living. We're both totally fed up of the neighbours and their stupid alarm clock waking us up, so we're looking round for another place to rent. There's no time limit on this, but if we find somewhere nice & cheap enough, then we're going. Yeah, I know I love moving house as much as I love sticking needles in my eyes, but if spending a couple of days packing and unpacking means getting away from the neighbours from hell, then even I will make that sacrifice. Will keep you posted on that anyways.

Oh, and as for my latest weight recorded, I did actually weigh myself yesterday, and was 11st 13. Seems I put on weight whilst asleep last night... Well, I say asleep, more tossing and turning rather than sleeping. Think I did manage about 2hrs in total... So, back on the nytol tonight then...

Friday, June 20, 2008

To sleep, or not to sleep...

So it's 11.36pm, and I'm still up. For some unknown reason I decided to walk home tonight. My head is spinning, and not from a headache, or some good sex.

I found out tonight that an ex from a few years ago, actually regrets the way things ended between us, and wishes we were still together. Before I go any further, I certainly do not want him back. We broke up because he was taking me for granted, and I had a suspicion he was cheating on me. Now, we're still friends, but back with him is not somewhere I want to be. Ever. Plus the fact that he now has a daughter. Yeah.
So the fact that he's apologized for the way he treated me, (he still insists he wasn't cheating) and he wants me back doesn't bother me. It's that it's so nice to find out that someone regrets letting me go, and actually want me back. I know, there's the ever so small chance that he's bullshitting me and is just lonely/desperate/thinks I'm easy etc etc, but I'm ignoring that part.

I guess what's getting to me, is that again I'm wondering whether me and J are right together. We've kinda fallen out again. Well, I think we have... He snapped at me for sending him some jokey emails at work, and I thought it was a totally uncalled for reaction from him. Since then, he's not said two words to me, and gone to bed early. Unfortunately though, I think it's partly to do with his brother coming round on Weds/Thurs and them both smoking and getting mashed. Great. Looks like he's gunna be a cock for the weekend again because of it.

This is where I have to decide. I have to decide whether to tell him that I want him to stop smoking the weed, and risk losing him, or just to keep quiet again, and deal with him being a twat for a couple of days.

Can I risk losing him? Do I love him, or do I just love the idea of how things could be...

No, I do love him... I just don't like feeling like I'm being taken for granted...

Cosmetic changes

Yeah, I've made a few changes around here. Don't you dare tell me you hadn't noticed. Might stay with the current scheme, might not. Will see what I feel like the next time I'm bored and fancy screwing arounds with the colours.

Oh yeah, seems like I'm slowly losing weight... The new diet pills 'Adios' (yeah, corny name and stupid advert won me over with the price of a mere £5, compared to the £15 for the others I was looking at) combined with not eating hardly at all, seems to be working. On the plus side, it means that I don't have to live off salad and calorie-free, fat-free, taste-free crap to do this. It's looking good. At least this way if I lose enough weight to convince myself that wearing a swimsuit will no longer offend people, I might just take up going swimming on the odd occasion I have some spare time, thus, loosing more weight, and hopefully toning certain body parts in the process. Not to mention the fact that I actually like swimming, and don't want to feel like a drowning fat tart doing it.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Fucking Video...

So I tried the vid again today. Within 10 minutes of starting it, I had collapsed in a flood of tears. Watching the dancing girls in the background, all gorgeous, super-fit and energetic, it just made me so depressed. I want to look like that so badly. And yeah, I know that if I kept on with the vid, and eating correctly, then it could be possible. But it's so fucking hard. I don't even have the energy to keep up with them. Watching them should give me motivation to see what I could achieve, but instead it's making me more upset and depressed cos I know just how much work I need to do to get there.
Another thing that's got me down, is I weighed myself this morning - I've put on weight, not lost any. So it's only a pound or so, but still. Not what I want to see. I did one of those BMI calculator things as well - it's official. I'm overweight. Fucking wonderful.

So, as I mentioned last time, I'm getting those tablet things that 'bind' themselves to fat so it's not absorbed. I can but try, right??

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Time to get serious

I bought some bathroom scales on Saturday. Bad idea, yet good at the same time. Bad, because I've found out exactly how much I weigh, and it's about a stone more than I thought. I'm horrified... Good because it has shocked me into actually doing something about it.
Now, I'm not going to go all out with the salad diets and going to the gym 6 times a week. Firstly, I like nice food too much to give it up, and secondly, I can't afford the gym membership. I'm just going to cut out all the snacking - the crisps on my break at work, the chocolate while i'm at my desk, and the occasional snacking on coco-pops while watching tv in the evening. Instead of the gym, I'll be making more of an effort with that dance DVD. At least twice a week would be good. The DVD does say 3 times a week for 45 mins. Well, I'll start small and work up. There's no rush to this weight loss thing, and besides, I'm unfit - 45 mins would kill me off completely. As long as I can see that number on the scales going down gradually, I'll be happy. I'll be content. I'll keep it up.
The adverts and slogans say to get a bikini body by summer. Well, I'll get mine, but will aim for next summer. Next summer will be known as my bikini summer.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

So what do I do...

So the self-loathing is back again... It's the weight issue again. For a while now I've noticed that some of my summer clothes don't actually fit anymore. They're not just a little tight, they're actually unwearable. I either can't get zips to close, or things just won't even go on at all. Thing is, I know what I need to do about it, but am always finding excuses not to do it. It's not like I don't want to change, I do - more than anything. So why can I not find the self-discipline and motivation to get off my fat ass and just go for it?

I bought myself one of those dance work-out DVDs the other week. I did it once, and it's scary just how unfit I actually am. It's one of those dance work outs, split into warm up, tone up, 3 sessions of Dance (from easy, to medium, to hard) and a cool down session at the end. I managed to get through the warm up and the tone up. After 5 minutes of the first dance session, I was fucked. About 25 minutes I was at it for in total, and I was totally out of breath at the end of it. I keep telling my self that the more I do it, the better I'll get, but I just can't seem to build up the motivation to try again. The DVD says that doing the work outs 3x a week you can lose a stone in no time. I desperately want to lose weight and tone up, so why won't I do it?? I just can't understand. I'd go to a gym if I could afford it, but even if I could, my work shift patterns mean I can't go on a regular basis, or just simply don't have time. I know I'm not exactly fat, but I'm not the slim (slim - not skinny. I don't want to look anything like Victoria Beckham) beauty I'm desperate to become. I just wish I knew what I should be doing to make the most progress.

Aside from trying to make myself into a home work-out bunny, I've bought these tablets of the net. Hoodia they're called. Supposed to be a herbal remedy, that suppresses your appetite. They don't replace meals, they just make you feel more full, so you don't snack in between meals. Great for me, as I'm always snacking. Bad thing is, that cos of my work shifts, I can't take them regularly, or when I should. You're supposed to take 1 3x a day, about 30 mins before a meal. Well that's fine, but I never eat at regular times, and when I'm at work, I quite often forget to take them 30 mins beforehand. Seems like I'm fighting a losing battle here already.

Another supplement I've seen advertised is Lipobind. Tablets that you take after a meal, that supposedly stops your body retaining excess fat or something.

I just don't know what to do about it all though. I know that exercise is the best way, but I just can't seems to get into doing it.

Maybe I'm just bound to be chubby and miserable all my life... God I hate myself right now.