Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Sunday, February 24, 2013

Not imagining this time

I really must stop leaving this blog untouched for so long.

Anyways. I did meet up with the lovely Mr Identical on that weekend. We met up in Revs for coffee. As soon as I saw him, my insides did that fluttery thing. He was even more lovely in person. We spent just over two hours chatting and laughing - no awkward silences at all. We got on so well, that we went for dinner. Dinner lasted another two hours. It was all just perfect. Afterwards, we did the whole 'you're really nice, I had a great time, love to do it again sometime' thing. As it was my birthday the following Friday, he offered me to go round to his and he'd cook for me. Now he'd told me he loved cooking, and I'd seen pictures of things he'd made, so this wasn't to be some beans-on-toast and a vienetta type meal... We chatted on through the week as we'd done before, but the Thursday night, something seemed off. I had this weird feeling as we were chatting. So I asked him what was wrong, cos I thought he didn't seem his usual happy-chatty self... I was right. He said he did really like me, and he would love to see how things progressed with 'us', but he'd realised he'd jumped into the whole dating thing far too soon, and he just wasn't ready for that. Plus he was still sorting out stuff with his ex (house, car etc), and thought that he needed to have a clean slate before moving on. I was gutted, but I didn't tell him that. I told him I understood (which I did), and that I was thankful he could be honest enough to tell me the truth rather than come up with some bullshit excuse (which I was). Since then, we've hardly spoke at all. We've had a few tiny conversations about nothing much, and they've been awkward. So I'm leaving him to it. He has a holiday to Magaluff in May, and I think he was wanting to go as a single man to work out any frustrations... Maybe when he gets back he'll get back in touch. Who knows.

So, to save my birthday weekend from being totally ruined, I went to Leeds to see Mr Tall. He'd already offered to take me out for the night, so I took him up on his offer. We had a fab night out in Leeds, got absolutely shit-faced, and I didn't spend a penny. It was awesome. Since then, I've been round there almost every weekend. He's mentioned 'us' being an official 'us', and I've told him I'm not ready for that, and even if I was, I don't think we would work out as a proper couple (I seriously don't - I know me, and I know him, and I know I'd shout a lot, and he'd get annoyed and pissed off at me always getting annoyed and pissed off, and we'd fall out...). He said he was fine with that.

Cut to Valentines day. I'm sat at work, when suddenly a red rose and box of choccies turn up at work. For me. Never, ever, have I had anything at work for Valentines - even when I've been in a relationship! Turns out Mr Tall has a romantic side. Well that came as a big a suprise as the delivery lol. So, I guess I warmed to him a little.

Cut again to today. Again, I've spent the weekend at his - lazy weekend of watching films, eating takeaway and generally just hanging out. Then this morning, he looks at me and says ' I love you baby'. Oh holy fucking mother of shitting christ on a stick. I looked at him, and just went 'wha...??' and he repeated his statement. Well, at least I know I didn't imagine it this time. I totally clammed up. All I wanted to do was burst into tears and have the earth swallow me up... I couldn't say it back, because I didn't feel the same - he knew this, we'd had this conversation only a couple of weeks ago. He tried to brush it off and say that it's ok, it wouldn't change anything. But it will... It changes everything... So now I have no idea what to do. I can't keep going over knowing 'that'... Fuck. It doesn't help that I'm not sure if I want to run because I don't feel the same and he's getting in too deep for my comfort levels, or I want to run because I'm so shit-scared of letting him in in case I get hurt again. I can't even trust him, and he's never given me a reason not too. It wouldn't matter who he was, I still wouldn't trust him. Maybe it's a good thing Mr Identical stopped things when he did. I'm still too broken to get involved in anything.