Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Saturday, September 26, 2009

Messed up...

Well, the date went not too bad on Saturday. I went round to his and we watched a film - The Eye (quite an ok film). We got on very well, made each other laugh, have quite a bit of stuff in common, had some cuddles and some kisses.... but theres one problem.... he's about an inch shorter than I am, and I'm only just 5'5... Now I know it's not his fault, and it's quite unfair, but there's something not quite right with having to look down on a bloke, especially if you're not even wearing heels. We're still going to keep in touch and stay friends I think, but it's not going to be any more than that.

I have however, lined up another date for next Sat though.... this time with a more mature bloke - he's 36. I've always liked older guys, so why not. Again, not sure if it's going to be anything special, but it's practise, and it's some attention that I need right now.

J came round today with the van to collect all his stuff. Within about 30 mins it was all done. I'm relieved it's over, but still saddened by it all.

But then I get a text about 10pm.... he's sorry we broke up, he wishes he would've fought for me, he wants to try again.....

How do I say to him I don't want that? Plus in the 2 weeks we've been broken up I've slept with one guy, and kissed another?! Maybe, maybe we can try again in the future.... but now, now I need space. We wern't working at all, which is why we broke up. We both need time I think to really decide whether it's what we want.... To be perfectly honest, I don't think it is what I want.... Only time will tell I guess.

One thing I've told him is that if he was prepared to let me go so easily when I ended it, then maybe he can't want me as much as he thinks.... He says he was in shock and didn't expect it....

Well, maybe 2 weeks later is just too late now....

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Back in the game

The dating game that is. Well I told you about getting onto the dating website, well, whaddaya know, I has me a date for Friday night :)

To be fair, he's not really my type, but he's really lovely and sweet. Who knows where it'll end up, but it'll be nice to do the whole first date malarky again. God knows I need the practise now after 2yrs. We're still deciding on what to do - drinks in town, a meal somewhere quiet, or a movie night at his. Will be sure to let you know on Saturday what happens ;)

From looking forward to one night, to hating the thought of another - J is coming round tomorrow to sort out his stuff ready for having it collected on Saturday. Great. A couple of hours of painful silence and awkward sentances. I really want to ask him exactly why I was the love of his life, yet not worth fighting for, but what's the point? I don't want it to resolve anything between us, don't want to get back together, and wouldn't ask just to hurt him. I guess it'd be for my own peace of mind. But still, just cos I ask the question doesn't mean I'm going to get an answer.

As for my mate that was round on Saturday - we sorted things out. Apparently he's got some family stuff going on and is in a bit of a messed up place right now, and says he's truly sorry for leading me on etv etc. I believe him. I know he's a genuine kinda person, and has always cared about me in the past. Hell I've messed him around before knowing completely what I was doing. I'm just glad we're still ok.

So all in all, I guess it's going to be a rollercoaster end to the week....

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Act first, think later....

And I thought women were supposed to be the fragile, undecisive ones - messing the blokes around saying one thing and meaning another.

Last night I had an old friend round. Yes, before you ask - an old 'male' friend. The idea was we met up for some drinks, bit of xbox, some much needed catching up. It worked for a few hours, but a few drinks later, the giggling and tickling led to kissing.... and that, that led upstairs.... There's always been an attraction between us, so it really didn't suprise me where it ended up.

It was just how I remembered it, but better. I realised how much I'd missed him. He's not really someone I'd want to get into a deep and meaningful relationship with - he's 25 going on 15 still. But he's gorgeous, and sweet, and funny. He makes me laugh, and he's caring. I had a soft spot for him when we first met 4-5yrs ago, and that's never gone away.

But as we were laid there on the bed, his words of 'shiiiit...' which I was mistaking for an exclmation of enjoyment, I later found out it was a exclamation of regret. Well, kinda.

He told me then, that he wanted this time to be different to before. This time he wanted to be mates - proper mates. We had such a messed up past, sneaking around behind my then boyfriends back. My fault entirely I know. But it's a bit late telling me he wants to be 'just friends' right after, well, y'know.

So now I'm not sure where we stand. It's got all awkward. I just wish that if he'd just wanted to be mates, that he'd told me first. I wouldn't have flirted. Wouldn't have pulled him close as he leant over me..... wouldn't have....

He's rung me once already this morning to try to sort things out. I couldn't talk though as my uncle was round.

I guess we'll talk later tonight, see if we can resolve things....

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Millions of men....

....and not one of them is interested.

I may have re-freshed my old dating profile on a well-known dating website.... Sad, maybe, desperate, probably, curious, definately. What can I say, I want to have a flirt, exchange some compliments, and possibly meet some fit hunky bloke to sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after. If all that fails, a good shag will suffice. It worked back when I was 19, I met some good friends, some fuck buddies, and even dated a few of them. So why not try it again 5 years on?

I've already found a flaw in my plan though. Me.

I've sent quite a few emails to guys who look gorgeous, and have a written personality CV that Shakespeare would be proud of. I've winked at others who are just way too gorgeous to be anywhere near in my league. I've had a total of...... 1 reply, and that was to tell me he's been seeing someone on the site for a couple of weeks, so isn't completely available anymore. Well at least he's honest, but that's not the point. So what's so wrong with me? My photo is seductively sexy whilst not slutty, my profile shows I'm a lady with a tom-boy side, I'm funny, intelligent blah blah blah..... So why no replies?! I keep telling myself that it's because the guys I'm contacting haven't signed up, so don't have the privilege of replying to emails and the like. Surely this can't be the case for all of them though....??

I'd do dating the old fashion way - see someone in a bar/club etc, get talking etc etc, but considering my still ever-present dislike of the way I look, I just don't have the confidence to pull it off without looking like a shy twit. I am planning a night out with an old girlfriend, so maybe I'll be surprised, but I'm not holding my breath.

Until then, I guess I'll keep emailing/winking/viewing unobtainable guys that will never take a chance on me. They don't know what they're missing!!

Or maybe they do.....

Friday, September 18, 2009

It's been a wee while......

Seven months to be exact. Why the long pause? Mainly because I've not had the time, or the alone space to log on and open up. Especially as J had found my blog previously.

So why now, you may ask.... well, me and J have finally parted ways. It's been brewing for a few months if I'm honest, so it's actually quite a relief that it's over. It's also quite nice that for once I was involved in a break up with no drama, no shouting, no abuse, and no plottings of revenge afterwards.
Anyways, enough about that. I'm single, and out on a man-hunt yet again.

The driving is going well too by the way, thanks for asking. Despite a minor incident (ok, quite a major incident) involving my punto and a peugeot trying to hump each other (hence the pics), the car is still in one piece, and no-one would ever guess it's been grafitti'd, smashed up, and scraped (a small incident this time, involving me scraping a neighbours car...).

I've also got a new job. Been there about 4 months now. So much better than the old shitty call-centre full of social rejects and mental retards, speaking to stuck up, ignorant drivers.
Yes, I've moved up in the world (well, slightly anyways). I now work as an area manager! Yes, posh I know. Basically it's for a commercial laundry company, and I get to look after about 20 engineers, routing them throughout the east side of the country, sending them to breakdowns. Sounds a bit pants, but it's a lot of responsibility, hard work, and keeping you on your toes. Plus there's some call answering to customers with machine breakdowns. The money is pretty good too, though I'm still going to have to wait a while before I can afford the R8....

So, that's the boyfriend, car and job covered.... what else? Oh yeah - I moved house too. Am now living in what used to be my Grans house. Sadly she's been moved into a proper care home, and seeing as the house is actually owned by my mum, I got first dibs on wanting to live here. It's had to be completely re-decorated inside (which is a work in progress still), but it's my home - not some poxy rented place which never feels cozy. Just got to find the right kinda bloke to share it all with now.

Well, thats 7 months summed up in about 4 paragraphs... And there was me thinking this was going to take a long time!

Oh, as a final note, meet my little Russian friend - this is Nikolai :)