Unintentional, unavoidable nose poking...

I didn't want to get involved. I didn't even want to discuss it, for I knew it would end exactly how it has done. I just don't understand, and it seems so wrong... He brought it up though. He asked a question, which led to me asking a return question, which led to a discussion, which led to the argument...


Mr Tall has a little boy, about 4-5yrs old I think. He lives with his mother at the other end of the country. Ok, so kids arn't my thing, but I can live with this.
The mother moved the day after they split, and invoked a custody hearing soon after. Mr Tall (apparently) didn't get the court summons until the day of the hearing, and therefore didn't/couldn't attend. Neither could he afford a appeal to said hearing. So, mother has custody. Mother also does not let Mr Tall see the kid. If he does see him, he's not allowed to be alone with him - mothers fear of him being abducted apparently.
This goes so far, that the mother will happily let grandmother (Mr Talls mother) see the kid, and have the kid at hers, as long as Mr Tall is kept in the dark and not told of this... Now, this I have major problems with...

Where do I start?! Why didn't Mr Tall try harder/fight longer to get at least visitation rights?! Why doesn't his own mother try and smooth things over or talk the kids mother round?! Why has everyone just accepted that this is how things are?! Does no-one realise that none of this is about them - it's about the poor kid stuck in the middle who doesn't know what the fuck is going on?!

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for Mr Tall, but surely if he hated it as much as he says he does, he would have/would be doing more to sort it out?! Ok, so it may be a financial issue, but surely he could have found out if he could get legal aid from like, citizens advice or somewhere?! It's like he's just given up. I can't get my head around how he could just let his son go so easily... I'd sell everything I had and walk to the ends of the earth on broken glass before someone told me I couldn't spend time with my child... Ok so the child was an unplanned accident. So what! It's not the childs fault!

I can't believe how angry and upset this makes me... It's nothing to do with me, I know that, but it's all so very, very wrong... I want to help... I want to change things and make things fair, but I don't know where to start, or even if I should. It's nothing to do with me. I don't even know the whole story, just parts of it. I don't want to be involved. But now I can't speak to Mr Tall without asking more questions, and digging and poking my nose in even more. I have to stop. All I'm doing is upsetting him, which I so don't want to do, and stressing myself out.

There was a reason why I'd never got involved with guys with kids before. This was the reason. It's all so messy, and I just don't know how to handle it. So now what do I do? Pretend this never happened and never bring it up or mention it again? Well it'll come up again... Do I nod and smile and pretend I'm ok with it, even though I'm cracking up inside? Do I make it my mission to right the wrongs that have been done? I have no idea... I'm so out of my depth here, and I'm drowning fast. I want to run. I want to turn and run as far as I can, as fast as I can... But I can't. I know it'll hurt Mr Tall. It did last time. Those few days we broke up, he was a mess. His words, and a friend of his. I don't want to hurt him at all. Not ever. I'm so trapped, and I can't see any way out of this...

Resurrection

Before you begin reading this post, I'd like you to put away your condemning looks, head shaking, and general disapproving tones. Trust me, I've chastised myself enough already.

The break-up lasted for a total of three days. See, I warned you to put that look away.

I still hadn’t had any reply from him by Friday. The soft-centred part of me was getting a bit worried, as I hadn’t seen him active on one of the forums he spends most of his spare time on. This for him, was highly unusual. I’d noticed he was online, so sent him a message. Nothing lengthy, just saying hi, seeing if he was ok, and telling him I wished I could do something to help. Well, I got a reply. He hadn’t been to work Thursday or Friday, and apparently hadn’t slept hardly at all either. Well that made me feel a whole load better. Anyway, we talked about stuff, and I said I’d go round on Saturday to talk stuff through. I told him there were no guarantees that I would change my mind or that we’d get back together. All I wanted to do was talk and clear the air so that he at least understood more where I was coming from and why I felt the need to do what I did.

So I went round, and we talked for a few hours. I told him exactly what bothered me about ‘us’ – his narcissism, being smothered, his past, our arguments getting way out of hand, and the fact that I didn’t feel the way I should about him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I wanted to be completely honest. After all that, he still wanted to be with me. He said it didn’t matter if I didn’t feel the same as he did, because I make him happy and that’s all he wanted. He thought I’d maybe feel the same way after some more time. I told him I wasn’t so sure about that…

One thing we did discuss made a lot of sense. I’ve been unsure about this from the start – mainly due to not wanting to get hurt all over again. Because of this, he’s been super-affectionate to try and reassure me and make everything ok. I’ve felt smothered and suffocated, so I’ve backed off. I back off, and he then gets worried, so gets even more affectionate to compensate. Again, I feel more smothered, and back off even more... I do feel like that’s exactly what’s happened. Because I keep backing off, I can’t even begin to have proper deep ‘I love you’ feelings… So, he’s promised to give me more space – by both being less clingy when we’re together, and not whining so much if he can’t see me or I want to see a friend instead of him. That weekend turned out to be the loveliest weekend we’ve spent together for ages. We didn’t really do anything special, but it was just nice. The week that followed, I actually found myself missing him a little. Well that’s a first, so must be a good sign. This weekend I went over as normal, and again, it was really nice.

I still have some reservations, but there’s enough good stuff here to see how things go. As for the bad stuff, well it’s out in the open now (apart from one little thing, that I’m not sure if it’s my place to bring it up or not), and it’s been talked about and compromises made. Plus, he’s honest. Ashamedly I have read his facebook messages, and it’s all completely sound. One of his mates (a girl) asked him to look at a bra she wanted his opinion on before buying, and he didn’t even want to look at it – saying something about not being right to try and imagine her in it. A far cry from the days with Fraz… I know he has a colourful past when it comes to ‘relationships’ (however they may be described), but I do feel I can trust him, and I am starting to believe he really isn’t interested in looking at anyone else, for any reason. Whatever other problems we may have, I need to be with someone like that right now. I need to restore some of my faith in the male species.
I know everyone, men and women included, can be unfaithful. Hell, I was once. I was young and stupid and I learnt from my mistakes though. I’m not still doing it now when I’m old enough to know better. Being able to trust Mr Tall though is such a big thing for me. No matter the other niggles, and whether this still only lasts for a few more months, I need that trust. He needs me to make him happy (he believes). We’re both getting something out of this still.

Only time will tell whether that’s enough, whether it develops into something more, or if it’s all going to fall apart again.