Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Sunday, April 10, 2011

Unshiftable boredom....

Bored of everything at the moment... bored of my job, bored of my life, bored with everything. Even getting bored of the OH as well... The whole trust issues still haven't been completely resolved. I still can't help second guessing what he's been up to when I'm not arround, and I'm getting bored of having the same conversations over and over about it. To be honest, I think I've stopped caring about it, but not in a good way. I'm almost hoping that I do find something, cos then I'll have the perfect reason to end this, and I can stop worrying, stressing, and generaly being miserable.
But then, we do get on very well, and he loves me for me, flaws and all. Not often that happens... But if I can't learn to trust him, being loved by supposedly my best friend just simply is never going to be enough.

We're supposed to be going up to Scotland again at the end of April, and as much as I want to go because I love it up there, I'm wondering whether or not to let him go alone. The whole silliness and immaturity is getting tedious, to the point where I've actually been glad he's been on nights recently. Been glad of the time to myself, the space.

Maybe it's just me. I'm so bored of me and my life. I don't really care anymore, about anything. I have a shit job, no friends, no social life, no hope of things getting any better... add to that a boyfriend that I thought was a soul mate, but how can he be if he lies to me, and I can't get past it.

So what do I do? Carry on with this meaniless existance, pretend everything is 'ok', and learn to live with the fact I'll never trust him again? Or do I end it all now, make myself even more miserable, and even more alone, and even more miserable and depressed...

I've finally come to realise there's just no point in talking about it anymore. It lasts all of 20 minutes until I've stopped talking (me talking, him listening) then it's all forgotten. I don't forget though. It keeps on going over and over in my head. Probably explained why I've stopped giving a shit. Doesn't matter how many times we talk, nothing ever changes. He never tries harder, or thinks more... so if he's not trying more to be better, how he be trying not to go behind my back and lie to me again?

See this is what I mean, the doubt is always there, no matter what. I try to push it aside, I try to ignore it... But I can't. That niggling voice in my head won't stop warning me that I'm going to get hurt again. I'm being taken for a complete fool.

I should have ended it the first time. I learnt that a while ago. Would have saved me a whole load of time, stress and worry. That and I wouldn't have wasted all this time with someone who doesn't respect me enough to just tell me the truth.

Fuck knows what I should do now. I'm bored and miserable, and so very bored of being bored and miserable.