*shakes fist at sods law*

I hope you're being straight with me, and not making up some intricate story to get out of it. I know that making up a story of your uncle being in hospital with cancer would be a harsh, shameful lie to tell, but still. I can't help being just a little bit sceptical, giving that this will be the third time you've cancelled us meeting up.
Not only that, but you have 'man flu' as well. Now I know you're not lying about that, I've heard you on the phone, and no-one is that good at pretending to be that ill. But instead of going to see your uncle as you said you intended, you've stayed home, claiming that your too ill to see him, in case you give him your germs. Well that makes sense. But if you weren't ill, would you have gone, and is it actually real?
I don't know... I feel quite bad even thinking that you could make something like that up, but I know the lengths people will go to, making up elaborate, fictional just to make them more believable.
So, again, I spent the weekend with nothing to do. Well, you're going to have to wait for another chance. I have plans for the next two weekends, and I'm not changing them. I know you hear the cynicism in my voice when we talk. I don't care. Like I told you, I'd rather not be optimistic so there is no chance of disappointment.

It'd be nice to meet up before Christmas, but the way things are going, I'm not holding my breath...

So lets see where this goes...

I'm giving you one last chance. You tell me that's things are defiantly over now. No chance of getting back together at all. I believe you, as you've always been upfront and honest with me, and I respect and appreciate that more than you could imagine.
We were supposed to meet up this weekend. I was going to come over, and we'd have a quiet night in, to chill out, and get to know each other better. You postponed that for next weekend instead, saying it was too soon after finishing with your ex. That I can understand completely. What was sweet though was this...

...it’s not because I’m unsure, none of that...it’s simply because it feels like something any old bloke could & would do..& it just feels wrong...(on you as much as anyone... in fact, MAINLY on you!!) – I want a new start with you... with no ghosts... so that it’s YOU and it’s ME & there’s nothing remaining from this crappy relationship I’ve been in...

That was something that I wasn't expecting. You seem to actually care enough to be thinking of my feelings, and I'm not used to that. You always seem to say just the right thing... I guess I'm a sucker for that.

So, we'll see how this goes. Next weekend we'll meet up at last, and we'll chill out and see what happens. I'm nervous, for obvious reasons. But the one thing that reassures me the most, is that nothing is expected from it all. I don't feel like you're just inviting me over for one thing. I trust you completely, and I know your intentions are honourable. Some people may say I'm being naive saying that before we've even met, but I feel like I've known you for years.

I'll tell you one thing for nothing though... If you break my heart, you'll have to surgically remove your testicles from your throat...

Not you aswell...

Oh T, I thought you of all people wouldn't do this to me. How many times have you asked to meet up, and then suddenly told me your ex is back on the scene? And now, again, I find myself wondering if you even want to finish with her. You say you do, but you need to wait to see how things play out. Well, if it's over, then surely it's over? Seems like you're holding on to some hope that you two may get back together, but maybe that's just my paranoid spin on things.

You've always been up front and honest about everything, and I appreciate that more than anything. But I simply can't keep being put on hold. You keep telling me that we seem to have this connection, and you want to see how things could go between us, and I'd honestly like to find out too. I feel like I'm being messed about though. I know you're not doing it on purpose, and I'm not angry at you for it. I've just been messed around so much over the past year, that I can't go through all this again.

Maybe things just arn't meant to be. Maybe they are, but they just need the time to sort themselves out and something will happen in the future. I don't know. I like you alot, I know that much. That's why this is so hard, cos I keep getting sad and jealous when I hear that she's back on the scene. I have no reason for it really, but I guess my deluded idea of you wanting me and only me, is just that, deluded.

So, to save myself the risk of being hurt again, I told you that I'd back off unitl things at your end were sorted. I think I probably came over as a mental case with more emotional issues than Britany Spears, but hey, I know I'm an emotional train-wreck. Stopping things with you is all I can do to save any more carnage. Even then you wouldn't just let me go that easily. Which again makes me wonder if maybe you are serious about this 'connection' you seem to get with me. I need the space to straighten out my head-fuck, and to think things through. I thought last night I'd done just that, and when I wrote you that email I was fully in control of it all. But just one email from you makes me so uncertain. I want to meet up with you so badly, just to hang out, and see what could be, but I have to put up some barriers to save getting hurt. My heart is still too fragile to open up fully. You'll just have to be patient with that.

I just hope that things sort themselves out for you, in whichever way is best. I hope that if/when things finish with your ex, that it won't be too late when you come looking for me, though I doubt it, as you're the first person I've actually let in since the whole D incident. Will take a while to let anyone that close to me again.

So here I sit, again, wishing I could just talk to you. Just the sound of your voice makes me smile. I guess I'll just have to put that out of my mind for now.

I'm going to miss you though...

Sunshine through the broken cloud

Things, finally, are starting to look up.
On Saturday I finally got my letter through from HM Revenues, to tell me of where I lived during the year the council tax are trying to screw me for... So, before work today I went into the council offices, and presented them with the 24 pages that I'd been sent. They got told in a very nice, calm voice, that here was the proof they requested, and to please look into the court orders/attatchment of earnings/debt collection stuff, and GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING MONEY YOU'VE ALREADY TAKEN FROM ME YOU THIEVING CUNTS!! The nice lady said she'd forward on my request, and someone would get back to me in a couple of weeks... yeah, make that a couple of months and I might believe you. Oh well, at least it's on the way to being sorted anyways.

So yeah, the money crisis is slowly (and I mean comotose tortoise kinda slow). And generally the happiness is coming back aswell. I actually came into work on Sunday (overtime) with more energy than I knew what to do with. Just need the love life situation to perk up a bit, and I'll be fully ok. Pity T isn't answering my emails, and A hardly texts anymore though... and D is back flirting again, making things difficult...
Finding people to date is such hard work...