Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Karma? What fucking karma??

Things with me and Mr Tall still arn't going so well. He's still managing to piss me off through the week while we're not together, and then I go over there Friday, and I don't want to intimate with him at all, because he's been an ass. He gets all moody because he's super horny and really wants to be intimate, and thinks I'm saying no just to be difficult. Well I don't feel like getting all smoochy and sexy when you've been a selfish, self-centred, arrogant twat. Again.
He still thinks we're perfect together and he'll marry me one day. I think this relationship is all about him. His needs, his happiness, his companion. I also think I've had enough of it. Some days he doesn't even ask how I am, or how my day is going, or what I'm up to. Every time we speak it's all about him, and what he's doing/seeing. We've spoken about it a few times, and he doesn't apologise, just says that he does care, and he is interested, but I shouldn't wait for him to ask, I should just tell him. Well maybe I'm too polite. Maybe I don't think my life is interesting enough to tell him about what invoices I've raised for the day, and now I'm going home to watch some shitty tv series he's not interested in. Apparently his life is that important I do need to know every detail. Like how his train is late. Or it's hot out on the bike. Or that he's searching for model trains for his work project.
To me, if he cared enough or was really interested, he'd ask. And he doesn't.

Breaking up is going to be a total nightmare. I know this already from that last time I tried. I need to go round and collect all my stuff, and I can't do that and then break up with him over the phone later, cos he'll know what I'm doing when I leave nothing behind. I know he'll try and stop me from leaving though. He does that so much - doesn't want me to walk away or leave, so he'll grab my arm - not really hurting so much, just making sure I can't go anywhere. He's pulled bags out my hands before when I've been packing them. It doesn't scare me, cos I know he won't hurt me. It's just horrible because it makes me angry at him for trying to control me, and makes me want to lash out at him, which I know is really bad. This is another reason why I know we can't work. He doesn't bring out the best in me. He pushes my buttons, and doesn't/can't calm me down, he just winds me up more. Fraz used to be able to calm me down, so I know it's possible.

Speaking of Mr Liar, I found out today that he's recently moved in with the girl he's been seeing. That hurt. 18 months and he's already moved on so much that they've got their own place. Wonder if she's aware of his truth defect yet. Urgh, I feel so crap. How come I can't find someone I'm happy with. Surely I fucking deserve it after all the shit I've been through these past couple of years?!

I think I'll get rid of Mr Tall if not before my holiday, then as soon as I get back. Then I'll just stick with being single until next year. I need to focus on my weight loss anyway. I'm fed up of this plateau I've been on since November. I desperately want to lose weight before my holiday - off to see my Mum in Greece at the end of August. I still have an unsightly muffin-top that just refuses to look anything but hideous in any bikini I try on. Yes, there'll be worse sights than me parading round in their itty-bitty swimwear. I don't care. I want to look good for me, not for them. Anyways. I'm still excited to be seeing my Mum after 3yrs, and super excited to be having a holiday after 10yrs! Sun, sea and sand is just what I need. As well as two whole weekends away from Mr Tall...