Hiding in the Shadows

I'm definately not ok.

Almost 6 weeks later, and I still have no idea where my head is at. I never expected things to be ok just overnight, but surely things should be easier by now... right? If I could just decide where I stand on everything, it'd be a start. I still hate him for what he put me through and how he treated me, but I keep getting pangs of just pure sadness - I miss him. I miss him so much it fucking hurts. But then I don't know if I really do miss him, or if I just miss the idea of 'us' when we were happy. And we were happy 99% of the time. But then I can't trust him... and I don't know if I ever can... Yet everytime I see his name, or anything that relates to him, I get another stab of pain... I just can't stop my head spinning round in circles. It's like a fucking roulette wheel that never comes to a standstill.

I know it'll stop eventually, I mean, it has to. But if it doesn't stop sometime soon I'm going to go fucking crazy... I just have no idea what to do to make it stop. I've deleted him off all my friends lists, I've deleted all the old texts and emails so I can't torture myself by re-reading them a hundred times, I've got rid of everything in the house that could remind me of him... I'm trying to pretend he never existed... But then I can't help but email him asking him for advice about my car, or anything else I can think to speak to him about... I know it's simply making things worse. I know I can't make him say what I need him to say. I know I can't make him tell me how he really feels inside. And I know that even if I did or could, it probably never change anything, other than to mess my head up even more.

I just want to be able to get on with my life without feeling like this. Two years I spent putting all my heart and soul into a relationship. In the end it was all for nothing. Two years of effort for nothing but a broken heart. I should be happy I'm free. I'm not. If I could go back and re-do things, I wouldn't do anything different other than try harder... And I feel so fucking stupid for that. After everything, and I'd still go back and do it again. Fucking prize winning mug... Least I'm good at something I guess...

	This is my space to air my demons, where no-one knows my name. Here I sit, quietly, hiding from the world.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~*~

I hide beneath the black clouds of my broken soul, The soul that holds the love that is left, And the clouds that hold the life we could have lived. A twisted love runs deeper than the blood in my veins. But the past still exists, so please dont try to walk away. My broken soul is all you can see, and the black clouds will always be here. As I stare at my reflection through shattered glass, I take a look into our past. Will you ever realize how I feel? Our past can never be forgotton. Im still beneath the black clouds, Hiding from my misery. The love is still there, but the life has dissapeared. Do you understand what im trying to say to you now? If I told you I love you, I meant it with every breathe. If say I need you, I tell the truth. The black clouds are full of my pain, and my broken soul is all that I have left. So I will stare at my reflection through this shattered glass, and hide beneath the black clouds of my broken soul, The love still exists, and I wonder, What happened to the dream that we both could be living... ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~*~
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	Conclusion Lesson Learnt 2nd Date Lucky? Shove that in your pipe and smoke it.. Ouch Fucking, fuckity, fucking fuck-fuck... All good things... No. 27 Para-what? Judgement Day
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