Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Conclusion No.2

I'm definately not ok.

Almost 6 weeks later, and I still have no idea where my head is at. I never expected things to be ok just overnight, but surely things should be easier by now... right? If I could just decide where I stand on everything, it'd be a start. I still hate him for what he put me through and how he treated me, but I keep getting pangs of just pure sadness - I miss him. I miss him so much it fucking hurts. But then I don't know if I really do miss him, or if I just miss the idea of 'us' when we were happy. And we were happy 99% of the time. But then I can't trust him... and I don't know if I ever can... Yet everytime I see his name, or anything that relates to him, I get another stab of pain... I just can't stop my head spinning round in circles. It's like a fucking roulette wheel that never comes to a standstill.

I know it'll stop eventually, I mean, it has to. But if it doesn't stop sometime soon I'm going to go fucking crazy... I just have no idea what to do to make it stop. I've deleted him off all my friends lists, I've deleted all the old texts and emails so I can't torture myself by re-reading them a hundred times, I've got rid of everything in the house that could remind me of him... I'm trying to pretend he never existed... But then I can't help but email him asking him for advice about my car, or anything else I can think to speak to him about... I know it's simply making things worse. I know I can't make him say what I need him to say. I know I can't make him tell me how he really feels inside. And I know that even if I did or could, it probably never change anything, other than to mess my head up even more.

I just want to be able to get on with my life without feeling like this. Two years I spent putting all my heart and soul into a relationship. In the end it was all for nothing. Two years of effort for nothing but a broken heart. I should be happy I'm free. I'm not. If I could go back and re-do things, I wouldn't do anything different other than try harder... And I feel so fucking stupid for that. After everything, and I'd still go back and do it again. Fucking prize winning mug... Least I'm good at something I guess...


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