Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Sunday, September 16, 2012

That 'oh shit' moment

Last night was awesome. I arranged a night out some of us from work - originally there was supposed to be 15 of us, but after people dropped out last minute there were just 7 of us that actually made it. We went to a Thai/Chinese place in town - I'd never been before, but some of the girls had and said it was a decent place to go. The food was really nice, and the service was spot on (well I'dve been pissed off if it wasn't, there was only our table in there for an hour, and only 3 tables when we left!)
After that, we hit the town. Some went home early, and it ended up being me, Mr Perfect, Kate from work, and her daughter Becca. We stayed out for another couple of hours, and had such a laugh, it was fab!

So from a fab night, so an awkward morning... Mr Perfect stayed round at mine again, and we'd been getting on great. Even Kate had been telling me all night how lovely he was and how pleased she was for me. So this morning, we're there half way through, well, y'know... and he looks at me, and says in this really serious voice, 'I love you'... Shock doesn't quite cover it... I'm lying there, stunned.... I can't say it back, yet he's looking at me, expecting something... How the fuck do I get out of this one?! I can't tell him I love him, becuase I'm not sure I do - those walls are making sure of that, but what am I supposed to say instead?! Thanks?! How about not saying anything... Instead just smiling and burying my head in the side of his neck and carrying on with the task at hand... Although I couldn't concentrate on anything after that, all I could think was that I was a terrible person and god knows what he must be thinking now... As for snuggling afterwards, there was this awkward silence that's never happened before... It was awful. He's not said anything about it, and neither have I, but I feel I need to apologise, or something... I don't know - I've never had this problem before. When it's been said to me before, I've always been able to say it back.

I'm so very obviously broken...

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I sent him a text earlier, apologising for not dealing with it a bit better or at least saying something... I explained I was just a bit suprosed and didn't quite know how to react, and that I'm scared shitless of opening up and getting hurt again. Told him I didn't want him to think I wasn't into him/us, cos I really am, and that I loved spending time with him, and it'd just take a bit more time before I was in 'that' place...

That was a 6:30...

I sent him another at 10:00 simply asking if we were ok...

I'm still waiting for a reply...

I know, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the lack of reply. But he always replies, always texts me no matter what he's doing... This is out of the ordinary, and it's too much of a coincidence for me to not be worried. In fact, I actually feel physically sick...


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...and just as I'm writing that last paragraph, guess who starts ringing me..! Aparently he fell asleep - I know it sounds weird - but he works nights, so has a really crappy sleep pattern. As he's on a 12hr night shift tomorrow he was getting some sleep in to make sure he'd be awake for work. Anyways - he says everything is fine with us, he knows it's only been a few weeks, and completely understands where I'm coming from, and that he isn't going anywhere. Said if there's ever a problem he'll say, not play mind games and not talk to me for hours. So looks like we are ok after all. I can go to bed and not stress about all this now.

3 Comments:

Blogger Dean said...

I've said before, I'm not sure I should be reading stuff you write on here - it feels like your diary. Except your diary isn't likely to be publicised on the internet.

I just wanted to mention I was in Town last night too (Hudds). Went to Gringos, then had a walk round looking for somewhere to have a drink. Almost went in Rev, but decided to abandon the idea and went home. Great story! :) Oh, and my chair collapsed while I was eating!! Shoulda complained, but I'm far too soft.

I don't think people should declare their love while 'being intimate'. To me, it feels kinda.... cheap. I don't know. I don't even know what love is.

x

 
Blogger Dancing Shadow said...

It's simply my space to air my demons... It's called Hiding in the Shadows because that's how it was suppoed to be - me, hiding in the shadows, anonymously baring my soul fo no other purpose than to try and make sense of what's in my head. If I censored anything for fear of who was reading it then it would completely defeat the purpose.
If you're not sure you should be reading, then it's quite simple, don't...

Maybe some things I shouldn't share, but to anyone other than you I'm no-one but a girl quietly hiding in the shadows. No-one knows my name.

Besides, I'm only so worried about the situation because I know what it feels like to declare love for someone and it not be reciprocated... haven't I...

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do agree in someways to Dean's description of it being cheap.

Talk to Mr Perfect, tell him where you stand and why you couldn't say it back, now this next bit is corny; if he loves you then he will understand.

I do not think you are broken. We're just human is all...


Halo.

 

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