Stumbling in the dark
So that would make it now four weekends in a row I've spent with Mr Tall. Needless to say, things are going well. Stanford (despite the horrendous weather as is traditional on a Bank Holiday) was a big success, and my man saved the BBQ and made fire! Everyone was very impressed and we got mistaken for a proper couple many a-time. Not only that, but neither of us corrected the presumption. That made me smile.
Later on, we were having a wander round the cars, and I saw Fraz walking round and I saw him look at us... Me and Mr Tall were already huddled under a brolly, but holding hands and looking, I imagine, 'couple-y'. Fraz saw that. I hoped it was hurting like a thousand burning knives. That made me smile too.
I also found his axle-stands in the garage - the ones we both (honestly) thought weren't in there. Apparently they were. Ah well, guess I'll be keeping those then seeing as the twat couldn't even be bothered with a reply the last time I tried getting in touch with him (after finding him on POF, I needed him to reply to my email so I could block him, and therefore stopping him from popping up on any of my search results/matches etc. All it would take is an email reply. Not war and peace, not a full-blown conversation. Just a reply. Took me 2 emails and a text for him to finally reply to shut me up. Not that I've been back on there since Mr Tall turned up, but you never know when I'll be needing to go back on again.
At least I finally told Mr Persistent that it's completely off. I'm not sure he completely understood why, but he knows I just want to be friends and nothing more. That's one less hassle to deal with. Well, it would be, but he's still being, well, persistent - inviting me down, trying to get me to change my mind... I'm finding that ignoring him seems to be the best way of making him see I'm serious. I should be flattered, but I'm not at all. I'm just fed up with him not listening or taking no for an answer.
Anyways, it seems my head-fuck is resurfacing again. I'm almost certain I'm being paranoid and reading far too much into things yet again. But I'm keeping it well hidden this time. There's no way I want to scare Mr Tall off. To me, things between us seem to be heading in the 'relationship' direction. Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no rush to define 'us' just yet and put any kind of label on whatever we are. I guess it's just nice to be thinking of 'us' in that way, despite the fear that I'm going to get my heart broken all over again. Anyways, I had a stark realisation yesterday that he might not be seeing us that way at all. In fact, he might just be seeing me as a bit of fun... A bit of company... Nothing serious at all. In fact, just thinking about it (yet again) makes me realise I am being really stupid. It's only been a few weeks (and only a few weekends at that), and neither of us want to rush into anything. I'm looking for that acceptance, the validation, that I'm wanted. It's too soon. I know it's too soon, yet my heart is looking for it already. I'm not even certain I want to be in a relationship just yet. Maybe that's just the scared part of me projecting that though. If I'm not in a proper relationship, I can't get hurt. If I don't allow myself to fall in love again, I can't have my heart torn apart. I feel like I'm in the dark, spinning around, with no idea how to stop spinning, and no idea which direction to go in.
I just know I don't want to be completely alone...
Later on, we were having a wander round the cars, and I saw Fraz walking round and I saw him look at us... Me and Mr Tall were already huddled under a brolly, but holding hands and looking, I imagine, 'couple-y'. Fraz saw that. I hoped it was hurting like a thousand burning knives. That made me smile too.
I also found his axle-stands in the garage - the ones we both (honestly) thought weren't in there. Apparently they were. Ah well, guess I'll be keeping those then seeing as the twat couldn't even be bothered with a reply the last time I tried getting in touch with him (after finding him on POF, I needed him to reply to my email so I could block him, and therefore stopping him from popping up on any of my search results/matches etc. All it would take is an email reply. Not war and peace, not a full-blown conversation. Just a reply. Took me 2 emails and a text for him to finally reply to shut me up. Not that I've been back on there since Mr Tall turned up, but you never know when I'll be needing to go back on again.
At least I finally told Mr Persistent that it's completely off. I'm not sure he completely understood why, but he knows I just want to be friends and nothing more. That's one less hassle to deal with. Well, it would be, but he's still being, well, persistent - inviting me down, trying to get me to change my mind... I'm finding that ignoring him seems to be the best way of making him see I'm serious. I should be flattered, but I'm not at all. I'm just fed up with him not listening or taking no for an answer.
Anyways, it seems my head-fuck is resurfacing again. I'm almost certain I'm being paranoid and reading far too much into things yet again. But I'm keeping it well hidden this time. There's no way I want to scare Mr Tall off. To me, things between us seem to be heading in the 'relationship' direction. Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no rush to define 'us' just yet and put any kind of label on whatever we are. I guess it's just nice to be thinking of 'us' in that way, despite the fear that I'm going to get my heart broken all over again. Anyways, I had a stark realisation yesterday that he might not be seeing us that way at all. In fact, he might just be seeing me as a bit of fun... A bit of company... Nothing serious at all. In fact, just thinking about it (yet again) makes me realise I am being really stupid. It's only been a few weeks (and only a few weekends at that), and neither of us want to rush into anything. I'm looking for that acceptance, the validation, that I'm wanted. It's too soon. I know it's too soon, yet my heart is looking for it already. I'm not even certain I want to be in a relationship just yet. Maybe that's just the scared part of me projecting that though. If I'm not in a proper relationship, I can't get hurt. If I don't allow myself to fall in love again, I can't have my heart torn apart. I feel like I'm in the dark, spinning around, with no idea how to stop spinning, and no idea which direction to go in.
I just know I don't want to be completely alone...
Posted in the darkness ~
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]