Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Saturday, August 18, 2012

That dark place

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... I've been down and miserable all day, and finally ended up in tears... I'm so fucking lonely I guess... I've never minded my own company and not having a large group of mates to hang out with, but it's not that kind of lonliness. I miss having someone special. I miss that companionship. I even miss Fraz to some extent. Well, I miss the good stuff we had at least. I miss what we could have had. I think I'm still so messed up from that.

Last week I told Mr Tall it was over. I'd had enough of feeling like nothing more than company and that 'we' were going nowhere. This seemed to be the kick he needed to realise he does actually really like me and doesn't want to lose me... so we've dragged it out another week, and again this weekend I told him it was over. Now I've realised it's not just the uncertainess that was getting to me. I've realised he's just not the one. Bless him he's tried so hard to convince me just to stay with it a while longer. If only J or Fraz had done the same.

So now I'm really alone again. Mr Persistant is still at it. I'm trying my best not to be rude and a complete bitch in telling him to fuck off. I guess sleeping with him a few weeks back wasn't the best idea. Although he's said tonight he realises that I don't want any relationship with him and we're just good friends. Meh.

I hate myself and my life so much, and I hate that I never do anything about it. Truth is, I don't know where to start. The ideas I have to try and change things involve money, and fuck knows I don't have any of that spare. Loosing weight has ground to a halt. Thankfully it's staying constant, but it's been the same since about May. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how far I've come, but I'm only half way.

Doesn't help that now K at work is pregnant. It was hard enough dealing with our MDs wife J pregnant, and her bringing the baby in every few days, leaving it in our office... That was fucking tough... Now I've got to put up with K every day for the next 8-9months going on about babies and pregnancy and all the stuff that comes with it... then I have to deal with her bringing it in and everyone cooing over it like its the most amazing thing ever. It's not been a week yet and I already want to cave her head in. Or mine. It dredges up the past like it was yesterday. I would've thought that after 10, fuck, yeah... 10 years it would've be forgotton, be easier to deal with... Apparently not. Seems this torturous guilt will be with me forever... Will it ever get easier?! Will it ever stop feeling like my heart is being ripped out... And how the hell am I supposed to be around her?! I don't want her to feel like I'm being so cold and heartless about it all, but I can't tell her why... I can't tell her the reasons I can't deal with it... I don't want anyones pity or sympathy. I don't deserve it. I just want to be able to forget... I still wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up... Things are just so pointless... I'm just so pointless... I've achieved nothing and have nothing to show for my pathetic life. Only my mum would really miss me, and I've not even seen her for about 3yrs now. Yeah it's selfish, it's a cowards way out blah blah.. I don't give a shit. I've been feeling like this since I was 17. I've had enough of it. I can't take any more feeling so hurt and empty...

Fuck the cats and the knitting... where's a shotgun when you need it - put me out of my misery...


Blogger Dean said...

Life is tough. Sometimes it's really tough. But we have a get-out clause - time! We hold hands with time and we move on. The best thing about the past is that it's in the past. We can't change it, so it's silly to worry about it. What we can change is the future. If we want to. If we do nothing, we achieve nothing. Our lives are in our own hands.

That's enough clich├ęs.

Do you want to talk?

I'll email you my number in case you don't have the right one :) x


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