Hiding in the Shadows

This is killing me...

About a month ago, I found out one of my colleagues at work is pregnant. I am happy for her, but it's brought up some real painful memories. Especially as she's only 20 and is now showing a substantial bump.
Everyone else keeps asking her how she is, about possible names, congratulating her... I can't... I can't even look at her... It just hurts so much. I had that chance, and I decided against it. I know I made the right decision, but the guilt still kills me inside. Usually I manage to push it as far back in my mind as I can and get on with my life, but now, I have a constant visual reminder. I'm really struggling to not let it bother me.
I haven't told J about that part of my life, so I can't even talk to him about it. Have had several oportunities when I could have told him, when he's noticed somehing is bothering me on an evening, and told me I can tell him anything. I haven't. I want to, so he understands why I keep getting down, but I don't want him to know at the same time. I'm ashamed of what I did. I don't want him to be ashamed of me aswell. Or even worse, judge me for it.

What makes it worse, is that my ex who was involved in the above guilt-ridden scenario, is dating & living with one of my mates at work. We didn't have a happy relationship, and an even less-happy break up, so needless to say he's not someone I'd be wanting to bump into again. So more nice memories to be reminded about.

Why can't the past simply stay in the past. Fuck knows what I'm supposed to do about all this...

	This is my space to air my demons, where no-one knows my name. Here I sit, quietly, hiding from the world.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~*~

I hide beneath the black clouds of my broken soul, The soul that holds the love that is left, And the clouds that hold the life we could have lived. A twisted love runs deeper than the blood in my veins. But the past still exists, so please dont try to walk away. My broken soul is all you can see, and the black clouds will always be here. As I stare at my reflection through shattered glass, I take a look into our past. Will you ever realize how I feel? Our past can never be forgotton. Im still beneath the black clouds, Hiding from my misery. The love is still there, but the life has dissapeared. Do you understand what im trying to say to you now? If I told you I love you, I meant it with every breathe. If say I need you, I tell the truth. The black clouds are full of my pain, and my broken soul is all that I have left. So I will stare at my reflection through this shattered glass, and hide beneath the black clouds of my broken soul, The love still exists, and I wonder, What happened to the dream that we both could be living... ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~*~
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