Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Friday, October 05, 2007

Not you aswell...

Oh T, I thought you of all people wouldn't do this to me. How many times have you asked to meet up, and then suddenly told me your ex is back on the scene? And now, again, I find myself wondering if you even want to finish with her. You say you do, but you need to wait to see how things play out. Well, if it's over, then surely it's over? Seems like you're holding on to some hope that you two may get back together, but maybe that's just my paranoid spin on things.

You've always been up front and honest about everything, and I appreciate that more than anything. But I simply can't keep being put on hold. You keep telling me that we seem to have this connection, and you want to see how things could go between us, and I'd honestly like to find out too. I feel like I'm being messed about though. I know you're not doing it on purpose, and I'm not angry at you for it. I've just been messed around so much over the past year, that I can't go through all this again.

Maybe things just arn't meant to be. Maybe they are, but they just need the time to sort themselves out and something will happen in the future. I don't know. I like you alot, I know that much. That's why this is so hard, cos I keep getting sad and jealous when I hear that she's back on the scene. I have no reason for it really, but I guess my deluded idea of you wanting me and only me, is just that, deluded.

So, to save myself the risk of being hurt again, I told you that I'd back off unitl things at your end were sorted. I think I probably came over as a mental case with more emotional issues than Britany Spears, but hey, I know I'm an emotional train-wreck. Stopping things with you is all I can do to save any more carnage. Even then you wouldn't just let me go that easily. Which again makes me wonder if maybe you are serious about this 'connection' you seem to get with me. I need the space to straighten out my head-fuck, and to think things through. I thought last night I'd done just that, and when I wrote you that email I was fully in control of it all. But just one email from you makes me so uncertain. I want to meet up with you so badly, just to hang out, and see what could be, but I have to put up some barriers to save getting hurt. My heart is still too fragile to open up fully. You'll just have to be patient with that.

I just hope that things sort themselves out for you, in whichever way is best. I hope that if/when things finish with your ex, that it won't be too late when you come looking for me, though I doubt it, as you're the first person I've actually let in since the whole D incident. Will take a while to let anyone that close to me again.

So here I sit, again, wishing I could just talk to you. Just the sound of your voice makes me smile. I guess I'll just have to put that out of my mind for now.

I'm going to miss you though...


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