Mayday

I've not felt the need to write for so long, but now the need has overwhelmed me. I can feel I'm going down, and I'm going down fast...

My motivation for the gym is in tatters. The numbers on both the scales and the tape measure have been gradually going in the wrong direction since I started in March. In the beginning, I was trying to convince myself it was fat being burned, and muscle being gained. I didn't fully believe this, as I couldn't possibly be gaining muscle so soon after starting, but I plodded on. I found some Les Mills classes that I enjoyed - Bodypump especially, and got my motivation back for a while. But the magic numbers still weren't changing for the better. I asked for help and advice on a fitness website, and it was suggested that maybe I wasn't eating enough for the amount of exercise I was doing. It made sense, in a round about way. So I upped my calorie intake - not by much, just a little. In the two weeks of trying that, the scales were going up faster, and I didn't like it.

Right now, I've not been to the gym since last Monday. I have no desire or motivation to go, and whats even worse, is I've been back eating KFC, Chinese, bags of chocolate at work, or having sausage butties/bacon turnovers for brekkie... I daren't even look at the scales right now, let alone touch them. I'm so miserable, and feel like I'm a complete failure. I want to lose weight so badly, but even exercising and eating right isn't working!! What the hell am I meant to do?! Part of me is yelling at me, telling me not to just give up, or I'll go backwards even faster, and have even more to work off, but the rest of me has already given up. What's the point? Maybe I'm just not meant to be slim and happy.

I originally had 5 months to lose between 15-20lbs. 5 months for fucks sake. That's around 20 weeks. I now have only 7 weeks left, and have put on around 6lbs since I started gymming in March. I feel fat and horrible, and I'm absolutely dreading going on holiday. I'm dreading it even more as it'll be the first hol me and the OH have together. I'm not keen on being in my undies in front of him for longer than I have to, how the hell am I supposed to tackle a bikini for hours on end at the beach/pool/etc...?! He tells me he loves me and my curves, but he's supposed to tell me that. He's be a terrible boyfriend if he told me the truth - that I wobble in the wrong places and I look like a hippo in a bikini.

I hate that my weight is such an overbearing part of my life. It's literally all I can think about sometimes. I read these stories of girls who were 200lbs, and they slimmed down to a size 6 over a year, and I can't help but hate them. All they did was eat right and exercise. Well I did that and gained weight. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong and why I'm not losing anything?!?

I'm tempted to go back to using a personal trainer at the gym, and try weight training to see if I can build muscle to lose the fat. I love my Bodypump classes, which is all various weight lifting exercises, so I might be able to get into some proper lifting. That'll be another £30 a session though. Surely it'll be worth it, if it works. I need to do something though, and fast... These last couple of days I've started feeling that hollow, empty feeling again... The one that makes me feel like I'm just existing. Just going through the motions of getting from day to another. I don't want this to affect my relationship. I want to be confident and happy. I want to live.

But right now, I just want to curl up in a ball with a big bag of chocolate buttons, and cry my heart out. I can't talk to anyone about it, and the OH doesn't understand how I feel inside to make me feel any better. This is all down to me to sort out. I best start getting my head round the idea of being fat on holiday, again.

Happenings

So things may have moved on slightly from my last post, and apart from a few bumps in the road, it looks like I'm heading in a really good direction.

The new Mr Perfect officially moved in at the end of February, and things are going really well. He seems to absolutely adore me and thinks I'm amazing (well, let's face it, I am fucking amazing), and is always telling me he loves me and buying me little presents. I think we both have insecurities due to past relationships, but at the same time I think we both trust each other fully and believe it when we say we're both in this for the long run. Everything is pretty much perfect between us. We still have niggles every now and then, but we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. I actually think that this is definitely potential 'The One' material. I've thought that before and been wrong, but I'm really hoping this time is different. I guess only time will tell.

I've also made a large life decision (for me), and joined a gym. No, it's not a late April-fools joke, and yes, I'm going there to actually work out not just make use of the sauna and jacuzzi. The OH and I have booked a holiday for August (look at us making proper couple plans!!), and I decided I no longer want to feel like the uncomfortable blob that I felt like last year. I want to get fit, and this time I'm really serious about getting there. I've put it off far too long.

So I've joined up to a gym that I pass on my way home, and currently am going 3-4 times a week. I've also got myself a personal trainer that I see every 2-3 weeks. That in itself is really weird, as it's a guy I used to know from school. He was an absolute tool back then, but now he's tall and really well built... and nice. I can't believe it's the same guy tbh. Anyway, he pushes me more than I feel I can take, and has said I should be easily able to get from my current size 12 to a size 10, or maybe even an 8 by the time I go away. I'm not so convinced just yet, but I admire his optimism. I'd be happy with a 10 really, just as long as I'm toned up. I've been going 5 weeks now, and as yet I'm yet to notice any changes, although I kind of expected that. I've never worked out like this before, and I know I'm generally unfit, so I'm going to need to improve my overall fitness levels before I can see much change happening. I'm getting there slowly though - I'm upping the levels on the X-trainer and stair machine, and lifting heavier weights, so I must me making progress. It's hard though, as I've deliberately had the OH hide my scales to stop me jumping on them every day. I need to use clothes fitting and measurements to track my progress, rather than the number on the scales. Changing that habit it tough though. I'll get there though. I WILL get there. I have 18 weeks to do it. Even at a pound a week that's a possible 18 pounds. If achieved, I'll be posting selfie bikini pics when I return. Otherwise, I'll be back on here whinging that I'm a big fat failure. Literally.

There's been other happenings, but realising that I've not really written about it much, I feel I need to fill in the background on this before I delve into recent events.

I had mentioned back a couple of Christmas's before that I had a half-sister that I'd never met. Well I did end up meeting her and we had lunch together, and we got on brilliantly. She's so lovely, and we have loads in common. Even now I'm trying to get my head round that she's my sister, as it really doesn't feel like it. We've not managed to meet up since, but we've kept in touch and keep planning on having another lunch at some point.
So as I'd found my half-sister, I also found my biological dad. I'd been searching for him for a couple of months, and found an address online that I thought might have been him. I sent him a letter asking if he was indeed the person I was looking for, and got a reply back confirming details from the past and proving he really was my dad. Initially we only sent a couple of letters - mainly me asking him all the questions that I've wanted to ask him for so many years. After he sent a reply answering my questions as best he could (and he did thankfully), we didn't speak for about another year which was fine with me. I didn't feel I needed any more answers from him, and I didn't know how I felt about him to want to keep in touch or think about meeting up. My sister one day then said she'd seen him at her work, and he had been asking about me and wondering if I wanted to get in touch by email. I emailed him and we've been chatting since. Just usual getting-to-know-you type of stuff and general day-to-day chat, but it's been nice despite not feeling like I have any connection to him at all. I guess at some point I may want to meet up for a coffee, but I'm not sure yet. I think he'd like to, but I guess he's waiting for me to make the first move on that. Maybe in a couple of months...

Other than all that, the new job is horrible and I hate it, but that's another (very long) story that I'm not going into right now. All that's to say is I've been here 7 months now, and I'm already looking elsewhere for something else. Joy, another paragraph of  job history to add to my already full CV. Ah well, everything else is going ok, so can't complain too much.

Taking the good with the bad

Yes, I never updated before I went away, and it's taken me over a week since I've been back. Sue me. I've been busy.

The date went well. No, it didn't go well. It went better than I ever could have expected it to!! I'd said I was just going out for one drink - maybe an hour, two max. Well that was scrapped, as 5.5hrs later (and half 12am) I finally got home....!! We have so much in common, and have the same views and interests it's just amazing!! We text a bit while I was away, and have seen each other loads since I got back. In fact, over the weekend we actually decided to get serious! Now that's fast work even for me... He's amazing though - 39 (always did like older men), a little taller than me (I can still wear heels, just), and is totally open and honest about anything and everything - just what I need. Plus he only lives 5-10 minutes away, not 30-40 like Mr Tall.
Despite being incredibly happy, I still feel like I'm holding something back. He's given me no reason to doubt him or not trust him, or not be happy with him, but it's like the part inside me that's capable of true love and happiness is missing a bit, and can't quite manage it completely. It's weird. I guess Fraz really did kill part of my heart... Fucking bastard. Not going to let that stop me though. Only small issue is that my new Mr Perfect has already been married before (for 19 years) and doesn't want to ever get married again. Neither does he want kids (well I'm fine with that bit). Well I'm kinda on the fence about marriage - on one hand it's just an expensive piece of paper and you don't need it to be comitted to someone. But at the same time it would be so lovely to find someone that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you want to show the whole world. Again, you don't need to spend extortionate amounts of money doing that though... He's hinted that there's a small chance he may change his mind if he was with the right girl (hinting at me, I think), but I'm not holding my breath. I'm still on the fence anyways.


TBC.....

The end is nigh...

There's no going back now. I got my contract through for my new job today. After a bit of discussion, it was signed and sent back. So this afternoon I handed my notice in. Three weeks on Friday I'll be leaving. Already people have said congratulations, but they're really going to miss me. That's really nice to hear. I'll miss some of them too. The atmosphere has been fab in our office, and I've never found that anywhere else. I hope we can keep in touch.
First I have two weeks of holiday to look forwards to - then only a week left of work! I'm so excited, but really crapping it too... I'm going into a team leader job. I have naff all leadership/managerial experience. All I have to go on is my new/old managers faith that he knows I'll be good at it. Hope I prove him right - I'd hate to be a disappointment.

In the meantime, my post wouldn't be complete without some mention of the opposite sex. Well this is no different. Yesterday I was up in the production warehouse making calculators. S came in, telling me that one of the lads from the factory downstairs had been asking about me! He liked what he saw and wanted to know my name/if I was single etc etc - so she'd come up to see if I wanted his nunber! A few playground tactics later, and we'd swapped numbers and spent the evening texting! He's actually really nice - and I'd seen him before and liked what I'd seen... We're meeting up on Friday for a drink and just have a chat! This never happens to me - I never get someone just coming up and asking me out. It's awesome! I'm completely putting it down to how much weight I've lost, and therefore look so much better, and carry myself better because I have some of my confidence back... I love it! Hopefully I'll get chance to update on the date before I jet off on Saturday. Can't wait for that either. Is my life actually going well for a change?! Good job I'm writing this on here - it's obviously a momentous occasion that needs documenting.

Here's to new jobs, new blokes and new happiness!!

Roses are red...

Well haven't I had an eventful day! I was at work, queitly minding my own business having yet another bowl of cabbage soup, and we get a delivery to reception. Imagine my suprise at having these presented to me!!

The card that came with it was a bit cryptic...


'Because what's worse than knowing you want something besides knowing you can never have it? - James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

I just wish I could xxx

PS. Not Phill'



Well, isn't this straight out of some romance novel! So it's someone who wants me, but thinks they can't have me, yet they want to make sure I know about them, without actually knowing knowing who they are.. I'm so flattered, yet highly confused!
I spent the rest of the afternoon with a daft grin, trying to answer loads of questions from everyone at work, and going through everyone I know that could possible send me something so wonderful! I hated the thought of not finding out. What if they didn't see the point in telling me if they think there's no chance of having me? That verse made me think it could be one of Mr Talls friends. Not being able to have me as you don't get with mates' ex's. My initial thought when I saw the flowers was Mr Tall. But the card and the deliberate point of writing that it wasn't him put that idea out my head. I had a feeling this was going to bug me for a while. And it did.

Back home I soon got an answer, of sorts. Eating dinner (yes, soup again!) I was checking my emails. One stood out more than a thousand suns...

The message simply read:

Glad you liked them
xxx

They know how happy I've been, so they must be someone I know on facebook. Ok, that doesn't narrow things down much, but it's a start. And now I have contact with them! So I replied - thanking them, and saying I wish I knew who they were...

I loved them, and I loved the gesture! Thank you - I've been grinning all day! I just wish I knew who you were though! x

Why is disclosing my identity so important?

Because I got the impression from your card that you feel you can't have me. If I knew who you are then I could understand why you think that. Maybe there's something I can do to change it... but I don't know how to, or even if it's possible if I don't know who you are...

Really wasn't expecting that reply... and I really don't know what to say to it. It really shocked me.

I actually think you do know who I am from that. 

Well what would be the harm in me knowing who you are? The worst that can happen is I agree that there's no chance that anything can happen. Surely it's worth that risk?

I honestly have no idea... I have some small suspicions, but that's all, and they're mainly based on ruling out other people...  

Besides, you can't go making such a beautiful gesture if you had no plans to ever tell me who you are... that'd just be incredibly mean! :) 

I'm scared of the worst outcome. Truth hurts sometimes and I've been hurt enough. There's a few things I wanted to add to this, but if I wrote it, you'd know.

As long as they made you smile, that's all I really care about. You have a cute smile.

I can understand that. One thing I've learnt is that you can't live your life based on fears from your past. Sure you need to learn from your mistakes, but if you stop taking risks, you'll miss out on so many things. I obviously can't force you to tell me who you are, and I can understand and respect your decision if you don't. I'd love you to give me a chance though...

I can't promise I can make everything wonderful and have a fairy tale ending, but I can promise I'll talk to you about whatever it is you feel is getting in the way, and I promise to be honest with you about where things stand. And I promise that if you're someone I already consider a friend, that that won't change.

They have made me smile, more than you could imagine. Partly due to the flowers themselves, but partly because for some unknown reason someone really sweet has thought about me enough to want to make such a gesture. That alone means so much.

x

That really choked me up! Wow.

The thing is, I actually have nothing to lose. Up until now, we haven't communicated in a long time, so it's like not I'm going to lose you from my life, because your not really in it now. Except in my thoughts. So I don't have a clue why I am so afraid of disclosing who I am. In a way I've already lost you...

This is probably going to give the game away quite a bit. I think your last message made me a bit fearless. 

Ah, right, ok... so it's not Mr Talls mate that I thought it could be. Seems to be someone from my past. Someone who's not in my life any more. That's a curve ball I wasn't expecting... I'm still no closer to narrowing down who this might be. In fact, I think it's actually made things worse!

I'm obviously rubbish at playing this game, as I'm still lost as to who you are!

If I'm not currently in your life at the moment, and you feel you've already 'lost' me, then you really don't have anything to lose... I can't stop speaking to you or seeing you if I don't do either of those things anyway!

You must want to tell me deep down. You wouldn't have gone to even more trouble of setting up an email and contacting me unless you really do plan on letting me in on your secret. Playing with me like this and not giving me any resolution just seems a little cruel...

My promises before still stand. You know where I am if you find some more courage.

x 


Then she told me. Yep, you read that right, she. Turns out it's a girl I've known for a while that's had a thing for me for most of that period! Well that was it, my head was spinning. I had no idea what to say, as I would never have guessed her in a million years. And naturally, I was expecting a guy!

After a few failed attempts at mashed sentances, I finally told her that although I wasn't totally against the idea, I did have a lot of reservations. For a start, that we didn't really know each other that well. Sure we'd known each other for a few years, and chatted a fair few times, but we'd only actually met in person once. I also mentioned that unlike her, I've never had a female relationship before (that one drunken fumble, although very enjoyable, doesn't really count) so I'd just be out of my depth completely with this new situation. Plus she lives about 71miles away, which makes getting to know each other difficult, let alone trying to meet up for 'dates' and whatever! I'm not entirely sure what to make of it all. I'm a little disappointed it wasn't a guy. More-so because it wasn't the guy I really wanted it to be. I'm still flattered, and the gesture still means a lot to me. I'm just not sure where to go with it now... 

Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage

I went shopping thursday night and bought all the ingredients from the shopping list for this diet, and set about cooking up my soup. It says to add celery and peppers, but as I don't like those, I just omitted them, so my soup ended up as veg stock with carrots, mushrooms, and of course, cabbage. I stuck a little cayenne pepper in it for some spice, and I was pleasently suprised at how nice it tasted! Maybe this won't be quite so bad as I thought!!

Day 1
I can have as much fruit and soup as I want today. Awesome.
Was looking forward to having my soup for lunch all morning. Until then, I snacked on half a pink grapefruit, and some red grapes. Lunch came and went, and the soup was just as nice re-heated. After that, I had the rest of my red grapes, and a pink lady apple. Dinner was much the same - leftover soup (damn, finished that whole pan already!) and another apple.
Suprisingly I don't actually feel hungry, although I could've swung for the ladies at work trying to decide whether to have fish & chips or Chinese for dinner tonight. Tempting as it was, I know this diet only lasts for 7 days. I can do that no problem. Bring on tomorrow!!

Day 2
So today is veg and soup day. No fruit allowed.
Breakfast was a difficult one - how can I have only veggies for brekkie? The thought of carrots didn't really appeal, so I had some saute mushrooms and tomatoes (although technically a fruit I know, but I couldn't eat just plain mushrooms, and the cherry toms were needing eaten). Lunch was a bit late, as I had no soup left, and when I finally got home with fresh veg and had the soup on, it was almost 4pm. This time I made it with the proper boillon rather than stock cubes. It was ok, but lacked a little of the veggie taste I had yesterday. Maybe I'll stick a stock cube in aswell for the remaining soup. I finally had my soup about 5ish, and I've just had my baked potato, as instructed. Damn that was good. Normally I love mash, but hate baked potato. Well, I don't hate baked potato, just the ridiculous amount of time it takes to bake them. Anyways, this one was well worth the wait. I've not had mash, or any type of potato in any form for a few months now. Yummy.


Day 3
Today is a mix of day 1 & 2. Fruit, veg, and soup.
Breakfast was half a grapefruit, some red grapes and a pink lady apple. I've decided that grapefruits are a pain to eat because of all the pithy bits in it. Still loving the grapes and apples though. Lunch was sauted mushrooms and leek. Wasn't as nice as I thought it would be, but hey it's only one day. Soup for dinner, along with some more grapes, and another apple later on. Still not feeling hungry doing this, or feel I'm having any cravings for anything. I did take a multi-vitamin this morning, just to make sure I had a top-up of anything I might be lacking. Almost half-way through already though!


Day 4
Nana-day - Up to 8 bananas and skim milk, and the soup of course. Well, I don't like skim milk, so I'm allowed to substitute it for non-fat plain yogurt instead. So brekkie was a couple of mashed bananas, with some low fat yogurt, cinamon and vanilla. Was really nice! Lunch and dinner was soup again, and pudding was the same as brekkie! Getting a little bored of the soup now, but it's still yummy. Looking forwards to my days of meat tomorrow!!


Day 5
Beef & toms. Up to 550g of beef and 6 tomotoes today. Along with the soup.
Totday didn't quite go as planned. From the moment I got to work everything started to go wrong, and my mood went downhill from the start. Feeling shit wasn't helping at all, and typical female hormones were making matters worse. I'd taken a couple of apples with me for breakfast/snacks, but I didn't want them. By dinner time I still wasn't hungry, so my soup (with added beef chunks this time) stayed in the fridge. When I finally got home I forced myself to eat some beef and tomato think I threw together with some lettuce. I finished it, but I didn't want it at all. Was supposed to go to Zumba, but couldn't face the thought of jumping and wiggling round for an hour. Will wiggle harder on Thursday to make up for it.

Day 6
Beef & Veg. As much beef/steak and veg I want, with some leafy greens.


Day 7
Today is brown rice and veg. This'll be interesting, as I can't cook rice unless it comes in a bag from Uncle Bens.

Lonliness, jobs and cabbage.

Ok, so not so much lonliness, just that kind of empty feeling of knowing I'm alone again. I'm mostly ok with it, but I'm quite eager to just get back out there and start the whole man-hunt again. All that's stopping me really is money. I don't want to start dating someone when I can't afford to get a round in, or go halvesies, or whatever. It's not fair, and it's not who I am. Maybe it's a bit soon after Mr Tall, but then I finished with him, and I tbh I've been ready to finish with him since I broke up with him the first time round in June... I've not heard from him at all, which I kind of expected. I just hope he's ok.

As for the job, well my old boss got back in touch about the position I turned down last month. Apparently they (he) want me so badly that he basically asked me what my price is to move (within sensible reason). So verbally, it's all agreed at the salary I wanted/needed. I've obviously not said anything to my current manager or anyone at work yet. I won't until I have a signed contract and have a definate starting date. There's some things I'm really going to miss, like the girls in my office. We get on so well and have such a good laugh, it'll be hard leaving that behind. But then there's other ladies in other offices I'll be glad to see the back of. In fact I won't be sad to leave the company. It's a really poorly managed place. Don't get me wrong, I know fuck all about running a company, but when management can't even communicate between themselves let alone the rest of the staff, and continually spend money on unecessary projects and not invest money into getting in new business, something seems wrong. I guess there's still a chance this new job could fall through, which would be shit, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I won't be starting until at lesat mid-September anyways, so a lot of time to sort things out yet.

One thing I have decided, is that I want to move no matter what happens with the job. I hate this house, I hate Huddersfield, and I really fucking hate the shouty bitch next door who is still having her night-time rants down the phone at 'Andy'. I'm sick of it. Anyways. I want to move to an apartment. A nice, modern, high-rise-type place. Somewhere over towards Wakefield/Leeds way if possible. I'll be in the perfect place for better jobs then. I need to discuss it with mummy dearest. As she still owns this house, I can't do anything without her agreeing to it. Just hope I can talk her round.

As there's only two weeks left until my holiday (holy-mother-of-all-things-holy is it really only two weeks?!??!) I've decided I need to up my weight-loss game. I should have lost another 2lbs since last Friday. Instead, I've put 1lb on. Not the intended direction. So, I've decided I will try the stupid cabbage soup diet. No, it's not starving yourself and eating nothing but plain cabbage soup. There's actually a whole load more fruit and veggies involved, and you can eat as much soup as you want, so you can't starve! Well it's only a week-long thing, and I do like cabbage, so why the hell not. I headed off to Aldi after work and piled my trolley full of greenery. God knows what people thought I was doing - starting up my own greengrocers or something. But it cost only half the price of my usual shop when I buy all kinds of things (all healthy mind you). Just have to get it on tonight, and tomorrow is Day One. Hopefully I can get the soup tasting nice, otherwise I might realise this is a really bad idea. But hey, I don't know unless I try, right!

Take Two

It's a saturday, and I'm at home instead of in Leeds with Mr Tall. Why? Well, I did go over there earlier, and I ended it. He didn't like it, and refused to accept it was what I really wanted, but I left with all my stuff, and I told him quite bluntly that we cannot be together. We may be able to be friends in the future, but for now, we need to be apart. Trying to be friends so soon is just going to be awkward and uncomfortable. So at least until I come back off holiday, we're not keeping in contact.

I think he thinks I'll change my mind, or realise after a week or so that I do actually miss him and want to get back together like last time. I won't. This really is it this time. I realised that last weekend when I found that I don't even want to kiss him any more, let alone get any more intimate... I just don't have those feelings for him. I thought I did at one point, then I didn't know, but thought it was just because I was holding back through fear of being hurt again. But now I know, I don't feel like that because he simply isn't the one for me. I'm sorry about that, but you don't know these things until you try.

So now I start a new chapter. Another single one, but it's a clean start. I've hiked my zumba classes up to three times a week now, I'm so determined to slim down. I have managed to nudge my plateau and hit a new low on the scales, which is awesome, but I'm still learning about food and calories and how they affect me, so I know the limits of what I can eat to lose more weight. I'm not being stupid about it and starving myself, and I'm not doing any stupid cabbage soup/smoothies/lemon juice diets. It's all just healthy stuff, but with counted calories. It must be working - a girl at work (who I don't really 'get on' with other than to exchange the odd pleasentries) asked me last week if I was losing weight, cos I looked slimmer! That make my week! Even though the scales arn't telling me what I want to hear all the time, I still feel good. I still haven't got the body I want, but I'm still happy with how things are going. Even if I don't hit my target for when I go on holiday, I'm not giving up, and I know that keeping on as I am now, I WILL hit my target eventually. Before Christmas would be good, but even just knowing I'm going in the right direction I'll be happy. It's a good feeling. I was getting so sick of looking in the mirror and despising the image in front of me. I still don't like it, but at least I know it's getting better.

Aside from that, I was offered a new job a while ago. My old boss came to me with an admin/team leader type position, that sounded amazing, but the salary & bonuses didn't cover the extra I'd be paying for the travel and parking. A lot of to-ing and fro-ing later, and I turned it down. They managed to hike the salary up a bit, but it still wasn't enough for me to be comfortable. So that was that. Until Friday....
I missed a call from my old bosses work colleague, who left a message to say that something had changed, and they think they may be able to offer me what I need now... I'll have to wait until Monday to find out, but it all may be back on again! I do like my current job, and I love working with K and J, and it's so nice being 5 mins from home, but I get so bored there. I have no challenges or job satisfaction. Moving into a team leader position would be a great opportunity and give me some responsibility, and it'd look great on my CV! So have to watch this space for more news on that.

Other than that, 3 weeks today and I'll be on my way to the airport!! I'm looking forwards to that more than you can imagine. So much so, that I even started throwing some stuff in a suitcase the other day...! I've never been so organised!!

Karma? What fucking karma??

Things with me and Mr Tall still arn't going so well. He's still managing to piss me off through the week while we're not together, and then I go over there Friday, and I don't want to intimate with him at all, because he's been an ass. He gets all moody because he's super horny and really wants to be intimate, and thinks I'm saying no just to be difficult. Well I don't feel like getting all smoochy and sexy when you've been a selfish, self-centred, arrogant twat. Again.
He still thinks we're perfect together and he'll marry me one day. I think this relationship is all about him. His needs, his happiness, his companion. I also think I've had enough of it. Some days he doesn't even ask how I am, or how my day is going, or what I'm up to. Every time we speak it's all about him, and what he's doing/seeing. We've spoken about it a few times, and he doesn't apologise, just says that he does care, and he is interested, but I shouldn't wait for him to ask, I should just tell him. Well maybe I'm too polite. Maybe I don't think my life is interesting enough to tell him about what invoices I've raised for the day, and now I'm going home to watch some shitty tv series he's not interested in. Apparently his life is that important I do need to know every detail. Like how his train is late. Or it's hot out on the bike. Or that he's searching for model trains for his work project.
To me, if he cared enough or was really interested, he'd ask. And he doesn't.

Breaking up is going to be a total nightmare. I know this already from that last time I tried. I need to go round and collect all my stuff, and I can't do that and then break up with him over the phone later, cos he'll know what I'm doing when I leave nothing behind. I know he'll try and stop me from leaving though. He does that so much - doesn't want me to walk away or leave, so he'll grab my arm - not really hurting so much, just making sure I can't go anywhere. He's pulled bags out my hands before when I've been packing them. It doesn't scare me, cos I know he won't hurt me. It's just horrible because it makes me angry at him for trying to control me, and makes me want to lash out at him, which I know is really bad. This is another reason why I know we can't work. He doesn't bring out the best in me. He pushes my buttons, and doesn't/can't calm me down, he just winds me up more. Fraz used to be able to calm me down, so I know it's possible.

Speaking of Mr Liar, I found out today that he's recently moved in with the girl he's been seeing. That hurt. 18 months and he's already moved on so much that they've got their own place. Wonder if she's aware of his truth defect yet. Urgh, I feel so crap. How come I can't find someone I'm happy with. Surely I fucking deserve it after all the shit I've been through these past couple of years?!

I think I'll get rid of Mr Tall if not before my holiday, then as soon as I get back. Then I'll just stick with being single until next year. I need to focus on my weight loss anyway. I'm fed up of this plateau I've been on since November. I desperately want to lose weight before my holiday - off to see my Mum in Greece at the end of August. I still have an unsightly muffin-top that just refuses to look anything but hideous in any bikini I try on. Yes, there'll be worse sights than me parading round in their itty-bitty swimwear. I don't care. I want to look good for me, not for them. Anyways. I'm still excited to be seeing my Mum after 3yrs, and super excited to be having a holiday after 10yrs! Sun, sea and sand is just what I need. As well as two whole weekends away from Mr Tall...

Unintentional, unavoidable nose poking...

I didn't want to get involved. I didn't even want to discuss it, for I knew it would end exactly how it has done. I just don't understand, and it seems so wrong... He brought it up though. He asked a question, which led to me asking a return question, which led to a discussion, which led to the argument...


Mr Tall has a little boy, about 4-5yrs old I think. He lives with his mother at the other end of the country. Ok, so kids arn't my thing, but I can live with this.
The mother moved the day after they split, and invoked a custody hearing soon after. Mr Tall (apparently) didn't get the court summons until the day of the hearing, and therefore didn't/couldn't attend. Neither could he afford a appeal to said hearing. So, mother has custody. Mother also does not let Mr Tall see the kid. If he does see him, he's not allowed to be alone with him - mothers fear of him being abducted apparently.
This goes so far, that the mother will happily let grandmother (Mr Talls mother) see the kid, and have the kid at hers, as long as Mr Tall is kept in the dark and not told of this... Now, this I have major problems with...

Where do I start?! Why didn't Mr Tall try harder/fight longer to get at least visitation rights?! Why doesn't his own mother try and smooth things over or talk the kids mother round?! Why has everyone just accepted that this is how things are?! Does no-one realise that none of this is about them - it's about the poor kid stuck in the middle who doesn't know what the fuck is going on?!

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for Mr Tall, but surely if he hated it as much as he says he does, he would have/would be doing more to sort it out?! Ok, so it may be a financial issue, but surely he could have found out if he could get legal aid from like, citizens advice or somewhere?! It's like he's just given up. I can't get my head around how he could just let his son go so easily... I'd sell everything I had and walk to the ends of the earth on broken glass before someone told me I couldn't spend time with my child... Ok so the child was an unplanned accident. So what! It's not the childs fault!

I can't believe how angry and upset this makes me... It's nothing to do with me, I know that, but it's all so very, very wrong... I want to help... I want to change things and make things fair, but I don't know where to start, or even if I should. It's nothing to do with me. I don't even know the whole story, just parts of it. I don't want to be involved. But now I can't speak to Mr Tall without asking more questions, and digging and poking my nose in even more. I have to stop. All I'm doing is upsetting him, which I so don't want to do, and stressing myself out.

There was a reason why I'd never got involved with guys with kids before. This was the reason. It's all so messy, and I just don't know how to handle it. So now what do I do? Pretend this never happened and never bring it up or mention it again? Well it'll come up again... Do I nod and smile and pretend I'm ok with it, even though I'm cracking up inside? Do I make it my mission to right the wrongs that have been done? I have no idea... I'm so out of my depth here, and I'm drowning fast. I want to run. I want to turn and run as far as I can, as fast as I can... But I can't. I know it'll hurt Mr Tall. It did last time. Those few days we broke up, he was a mess. His words, and a friend of his. I don't want to hurt him at all. Not ever. I'm so trapped, and I can't see any way out of this...

Resurrection

Before you begin reading this post, I'd like you to put away your condemning looks, head shaking, and general disapproving tones. Trust me, I've chastised myself enough already.

The break-up lasted for a total of three days. See, I warned you to put that look away.

I still hadn’t had any reply from him by Friday. The soft-centred part of me was getting a bit worried, as I hadn’t seen him active on one of the forums he spends most of his spare time on. This for him, was highly unusual. I’d noticed he was online, so sent him a message. Nothing lengthy, just saying hi, seeing if he was ok, and telling him I wished I could do something to help. Well, I got a reply. He hadn’t been to work Thursday or Friday, and apparently hadn’t slept hardly at all either. Well that made me feel a whole load better. Anyway, we talked about stuff, and I said I’d go round on Saturday to talk stuff through. I told him there were no guarantees that I would change my mind or that we’d get back together. All I wanted to do was talk and clear the air so that he at least understood more where I was coming from and why I felt the need to do what I did.

So I went round, and we talked for a few hours. I told him exactly what bothered me about ‘us’ – his narcissism, being smothered, his past, our arguments getting way out of hand, and the fact that I didn’t feel the way I should about him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I wanted to be completely honest. After all that, he still wanted to be with me. He said it didn’t matter if I didn’t feel the same as he did, because I make him happy and that’s all he wanted. He thought I’d maybe feel the same way after some more time. I told him I wasn’t so sure about that…

One thing we did discuss made a lot of sense. I’ve been unsure about this from the start – mainly due to not wanting to get hurt all over again. Because of this, he’s been super-affectionate to try and reassure me and make everything ok. I’ve felt smothered and suffocated, so I’ve backed off. I back off, and he then gets worried, so gets even more affectionate to compensate. Again, I feel more smothered, and back off even more... I do feel like that’s exactly what’s happened. Because I keep backing off, I can’t even begin to have proper deep ‘I love you’ feelings… So, he’s promised to give me more space – by both being less clingy when we’re together, and not whining so much if he can’t see me or I want to see a friend instead of him. That weekend turned out to be the loveliest weekend we’ve spent together for ages. We didn’t really do anything special, but it was just nice. The week that followed, I actually found myself missing him a little. Well that’s a first, so must be a good sign. This weekend I went over as normal, and again, it was really nice.

I still have some reservations, but there’s enough good stuff here to see how things go. As for the bad stuff, well it’s out in the open now (apart from one little thing, that I’m not sure if it’s my place to bring it up or not), and it’s been talked about and compromises made. Plus, he’s honest. Ashamedly I have read his facebook messages, and it’s all completely sound. One of his mates (a girl) asked him to look at a bra she wanted his opinion on before buying, and he didn’t even want to look at it – saying something about not being right to try and imagine her in it. A far cry from the days with Fraz… I know he has a colourful past when it comes to ‘relationships’ (however they may be described), but I do feel I can trust him, and I am starting to believe he really isn’t interested in looking at anyone else, for any reason. Whatever other problems we may have, I need to be with someone like that right now. I need to restore some of my faith in the male species.
I know everyone, men and women included, can be unfaithful. Hell, I was once. I was young and stupid and I learnt from my mistakes though. I’m not still doing it now when I’m old enough to know better. Being able to trust Mr Tall though is such a big thing for me. No matter the other niggles, and whether this still only lasts for a few more months, I need that trust. He needs me to make him happy (he believes). We’re both getting something out of this still.

Only time will tell whether that’s enough, whether it develops into something more, or if it’s all going to fall apart again.

R.I.P

It's done. We're done.

We had another argument over the weekend. It started as a good night - we went out to see the new Star Trek film with L & F, then went on for some drinks. Mr Tall got into his usual drunken state of telling me how much he loved me and wants to marry me one day (every time, the same lines). We got back in the early hours, had a minor disagreement about a girls t-shirt that I found on his floor (it was brand new - tags still attached and never been worn. He said his dad (who lives in France) had sent it over as a present from Disneyland for an ex) and we went to bed. Cos of the drunkeness, he was still pawing me and asking if I was ok (I actually really was ok, just needed sleep). He kept going on and on, and I snapped and stomped into the living room. We argued, and he snapped too - told me to get out. I said that was fine and started packing up my stuff. Then he realised what he said and kept trying to stop me - kept grabbing onto me. I told him to get off over and over. He never listened. There was some pushing and struggling and my hand accidentally connected with his face... I was just trying to pull my arm away. We carried on arguing, which eventually turned into talking, and I stayed, but it wasn't right. That was the last straw. I knew then this couldn't go on. The other stuff I could maybe learn to deal with, to ignore. But arguments turning violent is not something I will ever put up with.

So now he thinks I've just been using him/messing him around and I'm a cold hearted bitch for just ending it so suddenly. I think I might continue letting him think that. If he believes I'm a bitch then this'll be easier to deal with and accept.
Problem is, the last text he sent me asked if I was going to go round before he ended up doing something stupid that can't be undone... I've tried asking what this 'something stupid is' but I'm getting no reply. I'm hoping he's just trying to play games and make me worried so I change my mind.

Ok, so I just messaged one of his mates on FB that I know he's been speaking to about, all 'this'. She says he's drinking beer and playing PlayStation. Doesn't sound like his threat was suicidal then. He probably meant try and get off with some random girl as a rebound thing. Or maybe he just meant to worry me, with no intention of doing anything. Well, he's not my responsibility. He can do what he likes now. As can I.

Yes we had some really nice times, and were pretty good in lots of ways. But the ways we wern't so good together were too big and too ugly to ignore or put up with. I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us, I really am. I hoped this could have been 'it'. And I tried. I really tried. You can't make yourself love someone though, and the more time I spend being 'us', the more I realise it just won't happen.

Back to the drawing board I guess... but just not yet. Time to be single. Again. Fuck, I'm going to be old and lonely with cats.

Phantom Pheelings

Turns out my 'revelation' wasn't much of a revelation. I'm back to not being sure whether I love Mr Tall or not. I do like him a hell of a lot, but man he pisses me off sometimes. He has this, arrogant, narcicistinc side that I absolutely hate. But he seems to be absolutely besotted with me. Even to the point where a couple of times I've had to ask him to back off because I've simply felt so suffocated. Yeah, I know, I crave love and attention and affection, and then when I get it, it's too much and I want less.

A couple of weeks ago he 'moved in' with me. It was planned as a temporary thing for 3 weeks, just to see how things go. Turns out, it didn't go so well. After two weeks I'd had enough and told him I needed space. Was it too much too soon? Was I simply realising that I didn't want him as much I hoped I did? Was he behaving differently so that I felt so smothered I just simply couldn't breathe any more? Well the last one was definately true. So this weekend I went over as usual, but I was all prepared to break up with him. I'd decided we both wanted/needed different things from a partner. He needed someone who needed as much togetherness as he did, and I needed someone who had their own life outside of 'us' and could bear to spend one night in seperate beds (long story - I needed sleep, he was keeping me awake with his figeting, I went to sleep in the spare room for one night, we fell out and argued for 2hrs, which lasted a whole weekend. Apparently he just can't sleep at all without me there...).

Anyway, that Friday night I went over, and I could tell it wasn't going to be easy. By Sunday night I had decided to at least give this another week... Bollocks. I don't think I love him, and I don't see myself being with him at all long-term. So why the fuck can I not just break up with him?! It can't be just for the sex, because although it is pretty good, I don't always get mine, so just end up feeling a bit used just so he can get his. Am I just scared of being alone again? I do like having the attention and having someone think I'm awesome (this is weird, so far, all my recent ex's have all told me at some point I'm awesome - that exact word. If I'm that awesome why the hell am I not with Mr Perfect?!), and yes, it is nice having someone spend money on me like he does (although that is definately not the reason I'm staying with him. I could never bring myself to be that shallow). I just can't work it out.

Guess for now I'll stick things out and see how it all goes. See if any feelings develope - love, hate, whatever. Just something would be helpful.

Nothing is ever simple

I'll cut out a load of waffle and just cut to it. 1st of March, me and Mr Tall are now officially in a relationship. Yep, I decided to stop pissing about and just make it happen. I've had a few unsure moments, trying to work out whether I've done the right thing and if I'm really ready for this, but the longer it's been, the more ok with it I've felt. Only now, this weekend, this 'being ok with it' has developed further and opened up a whole new can of worms.

A couple of weeks ago I started saying 'I love you' back. I'm not one to say it if I don't mean it, and it has felt right, if not a little weird. This weekend though, I've had a revelation, that I actually do love him a whole fuck-load more than I thought possible, and I actually really don't want to lose him. Because of this sudden revelation, and my paranoia (which is still taking up residence in my head, much to my disgust), I've ended up in tears twice. Well, three times if you count the hour I've just spent in the shower balling my eyes out whilst trying not to wash shampoo into my eyes/nose/mouth... I can't bear the thought that there's a possibility that he can hurt me just like Fraz did, and this would be all over, and I'd be a complete broken mess (more so than now). I'm so terrified that he's going to realise I'm a complete fucking nut, change his mind, and go off with the first pretty girl that smiles at him. I know his past, I know he can get any girl he wants. And yes, I know, right now, he wants me, and not just as a quick one-night fumble, but as an actual proper girlfriend, and that's awesome, and I feel so lucky that he's picked me... I just can't help wondering how long it'll be until he has his own revelation that he doesn't want me afterall.
Why am I so hell-bent on screwing things up?! Thankfully up to now he's said he's fine with my paranoia, and that he understands, and actually thinks it's sweet because it shows I care so much. If I carry on like this, in 6 months time he'll be surely running for the hills... I have no confidence in me. I don't know quite why he's with me, or why he seems to love me so much (I didn't quite believe that either tbh, but I'm realising it slowly...). He must do - he's already said he wants to move in with me (at some point - there's no rush on this from either of us). Why would he say he wants that if he didn't mean how he feels? He'd be moving out of his home-town, away from his mates (some of them are just absolute cunts, and I don't think he's bothered about them, but still), and into a place where everything is new, and he knows no-one but me (and my friends... ha!). I guess it'd be a good opportunity for us both to go out as a couple and meet new people, get new friends for us both...

I wish I could just wipe my mind clear of all the crap, so it's totally free to start a fresh with no baggage and no head-fuck. It's so not fair on him to have to deal with all my shit (not that he knows half of it, I'm not so mental that I want him to know everything - that would be the final nail in our relationship coffin). I just hope that given some time I can chill out a bit, and stop being so fucked-up. I also hope that 'some time' means no longer than a month. Maybe two at absolute most. I can't deal with it for longer than that, never mind him...

God I wish my mum wasn't in Greece right now. I need to talk to her so badly sometimes, and it's just not the same over a strained phone-line or over multiple texts. At least if she doesn't know all this, she can't worry about me. I've given her too many worries already through my life, she doesn't need any more unecessary ones.

Deep breath, cup of tea, go to bed. Hopefully all I'll have tomorrow is the remnants of puffy eyes and feeling like a complete tit for being so dramatic. Again.

Not imagining this time

I really must stop leaving this blog untouched for so long.

Anyways. I did meet up with the lovely Mr Identical on that weekend. We met up in Revs for coffee. As soon as I saw him, my insides did that fluttery thing. He was even more lovely in person. We spent just over two hours chatting and laughing - no awkward silences at all. We got on so well, that we went for dinner. Dinner lasted another two hours. It was all just perfect. Afterwards, we did the whole 'you're really nice, I had a great time, love to do it again sometime' thing. As it was my birthday the following Friday, he offered me to go round to his and he'd cook for me. Now he'd told me he loved cooking, and I'd seen pictures of things he'd made, so this wasn't to be some beans-on-toast and a vienetta type meal... We chatted on through the week as we'd done before, but the Thursday night, something seemed off. I had this weird feeling as we were chatting. So I asked him what was wrong, cos I thought he didn't seem his usual happy-chatty self... I was right. He said he did really like me, and he would love to see how things progressed with 'us', but he'd realised he'd jumped into the whole dating thing far too soon, and he just wasn't ready for that. Plus he was still sorting out stuff with his ex (house, car etc), and thought that he needed to have a clean slate before moving on. I was gutted, but I didn't tell him that. I told him I understood (which I did), and that I was thankful he could be honest enough to tell me the truth rather than come up with some bullshit excuse (which I was). Since then, we've hardly spoke at all. We've had a few tiny conversations about nothing much, and they've been awkward. So I'm leaving him to it. He has a holiday to Magaluff in May, and I think he was wanting to go as a single man to work out any frustrations... Maybe when he gets back he'll get back in touch. Who knows.

So, to save my birthday weekend from being totally ruined, I went to Leeds to see Mr Tall. He'd already offered to take me out for the night, so I took him up on his offer. We had a fab night out in Leeds, got absolutely shit-faced, and I didn't spend a penny. It was awesome. Since then, I've been round there almost every weekend. He's mentioned 'us' being an official 'us', and I've told him I'm not ready for that, and even if I was, I don't think we would work out as a proper couple (I seriously don't - I know me, and I know him, and I know I'd shout a lot, and he'd get annoyed and pissed off at me always getting annoyed and pissed off, and we'd fall out...). He said he was fine with that.

Cut to Valentines day. I'm sat at work, when suddenly a red rose and box of choccies turn up at work. For me. Never, ever, have I had anything at work for Valentines - even when I've been in a relationship! Turns out Mr Tall has a romantic side. Well that came as a big a suprise as the delivery lol. So, I guess I warmed to him a little.

Cut again to today. Again, I've spent the weekend at his - lazy weekend of watching films, eating takeaway and generally just hanging out. Then this morning, he looks at me and says ' I love you baby'. Oh holy fucking mother of shitting christ on a stick. I looked at him, and just went 'wha...??' and he repeated his statement. Well, at least I know I didn't imagine it this time. I totally clammed up. All I wanted to do was burst into tears and have the earth swallow me up... I couldn't say it back, because I didn't feel the same - he knew this, we'd had this conversation only a couple of weeks ago. He tried to brush it off and say that it's ok, it wouldn't change anything. But it will... It changes everything... So now I have no idea what to do. I can't keep going over knowing 'that'... Fuck. It doesn't help that I'm not sure if I want to run because I don't feel the same and he's getting in too deep for my comfort levels, or I want to run because I'm so shit-scared of letting him in in case I get hurt again. I can't even trust him, and he's never given me a reason not too. It wouldn't matter who he was, I still wouldn't trust him. Maybe it's a good thing Mr Identical stopped things when he did. I'm still too broken to get involved in anything.

Hope.

Again, I've left this blog alone for some time. I've not felt the need to write I guess - I've had no demons I've needed to exorcise. I'm only writing now because I feel I need to 'catch up' on events since November. Because, there have been some events.

For a while in December I was seeing a guy. He was really nice, we got on well, had quite a bit in common, and he treated me like I longed to be treated. I had a slight niggle about the occasional mildly racist remark he'd come out with (well he did live in Bradford, but that was no excuse), but I liked him. Then one night  he came round to mine - another night of me cooking and us curling up on the sofa tongether, only this time he stayed over. Just that one night together, and I knew he had to go. Yes boys, size does indeed matter.
So just after the New Year I finished it. And up until a couple of weeks ago, I was doing the whole completely single. Just chatting to people online, nothing more. Then I get a reply from a guy I messaged, and suddenly I feel like there's a light that's been switched on. From the minute I read his profile, I just knew I couldn't leave without sending him a message. He sounded intellegent, with a personality, and we had more than just a few interests in common. Since we started chatting, our conversations have been lengthy on a daily basis. We have more than just a few interests in common. We click.
Ok, so we've not actually met up yet (hopefully going for a coffee this coming weekend), so there's still time for this to fall flat. But it's given me hope that there are people on my wave-length, there are people that I can connect with. And I don't feel so completely alone.
He's not been long out of a long-term relationship that long, so he says himself he's not ready for rushing into another one. That's ok though, if there is such a thing as something that's meant to be, I have to respect that. Even if we're just really good friends for a while, it'll be really good. I already feel like I could fall for him though, and it's hard trying to be realistic and restrain myself before I let myself get hurt again. Only time will tell. Fuck, I hope this is my turn to have some good luck...

Because of the crappy weather and 8-12" of snow that's decended over the weekend, I actually walked to work today. I know! Me, walking anywhere is a complete joke! Not today - and not Saturday either! Saturday I went up to the co-op - no car, just me and my feet. Ok, so it was to buy some Ben & Jerrys, but still. I walked it. And I didn't die, or feel like I was going to collapse. Now that's a first. But I walked the big steep hill down to work today, and back up it again to get home. Sure I was a bit out of breath from one hill (almost vertical - and covered in snow lol), but I felt fine! The last time I walked like that was when I lived in Lockwood, and had to walk from the bus-stop up the hill to the house. Every time I did it I felt like my lungs would give out and my heart was going to beat right out my chest. It killed me every time. Not now. I've obviously improved my fitness. I know I've lost almost 2st, so I know I must be getting better, but knowing my actual fitness has improved makes a huge difference. Maybe I'll start walking to work more often, even when there isn't snow! Now that'd be an awesome achievement for me.



I treated myself before Xmas to the piercing I was after - my left conch. That makes 15 now. I think I may have a problem now though, because after ticking one more off the list, I seem to have found 5-7 more that I want... Some will be easy and straight forwards, others, may not be possible. Like, one of the ones I want (and have actually thought about a few times before) is getting my lip done. I quite like the idea of just a little central stud. Nothing too big or obvious, just something subtle. But, as I work in an office enviroment, and I do answer the reception door to customers/visitors, I'm not sure my boss will approve too much... I do plan on asking before going ahead with it, just in case. At the moment though I have no spare money for more holes, so it will have to wait. Plus I'm still dealing with my latest one healing up to have to deal with a second. I think I may wait until after I go out to see my Mum later in the year. She'd freak at me having my lip done, so it's best just to avoid that situation altogether. Plus if I haven't had it done long and it's still healing, then salty sea water, pool water filled with chlorine and general dust and sand in the air won't do it much good... So, I wait.

Another bit of awesome news - I've started my AAT accounting course. A couple of the girls I work with have done some of theirs - paid for by the company, so naturally, I wanted it too. Ok, so accounting was never on my list of career choices, but I found out that an Accountant can earn around £50-60k...!! For that money, Accounting is at the top of my career choices! So the AAT I'm doing is level 2. Level 1 is a basic introductary level, for people with no educational background, or 2nd language English. As I've spent the past year working in an accounts office and have had a pretty good education, I found I would be best starting at Level 2. It's a distance learning course, so I study in my own time, at my own pace, and take assessments when I feel ready for them. I get text-books and access to online material, and I just get on with it. I started only a couple of weeks ago, and already I'm ahead on the recommended chapter schedule. I'm hoping that's a good thing. I'm enjoying it though, which is a good thing. Hopefully I should have it done in 6 months, and then move on to Level 3. Then, maybe I can start looking round for a better paid job. I do like the job I have now, and I like working only 1-2miles from home, but the management is appalling. They don't manage, they just patch up one mess and create another. All the staff are unhappy, and there's so much ill-feeling around. It's horrible. I just need to stick it out enough to get some qualifications to make it easier to go somewhere else. Work is paying for it, so I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the offer.

I think that's it for now... time to settle down for the evening with some B&J and a chapter on VAT and discounts. What fun!

Fucktard

I dunno, just cos I couldn't think of a better title. Maybe I'll change it when I've finished...

So yeah I've been AWOL for a while. I'd like to say it's because I've been swept off my feet by some millionaire white knight, but lets face it, none of us live in a fairy tale, and the millionaire white knight is probably a millionaire from drug dealing and screwing people over, has had every girl this side of the Atlantic, and owns a mangy pitbull named 'Bruno' or 'Tyson'.... Cynical? Me? Not at all.
So I've decided that yes, although I'm fine with being single, I'm not happy with it. Problem is, every time I try to get to know someone, we get through a couple of decent conversations, and suddenly I feel the need to turn heel and run in the other direction. Not because of anything they've said or I've found out about them, just simply because my head decides then is the opportune moment to change it's mind and isn't actually ready/wanting to meet anyone and certainly not let them in. I've well and truly come to the conclusion that I do not trust men. Every conversation I've had with someone new I'm wondering how many other girls they're chatting up at the same time. If we meet up and actually progress to 'dating', will they continue to chat up other girls. Will they meet up with other girls. It's insane. In fact no, it's not insane. It's perfectly normal for me to not trust men with my past how it is. I can totally see now how there are so many girls/women out there with trust issues and ex-baggage. Sure break ups hurt, but you can get over them. Being lied to/cheated on isn't so easy. You can't help but think that it'll happen again. If the person you thought was your best friend, your soul mate can continuously lie to you so easily, then in theory anyone can. And like I say - we don't live in a fairy tale, so noses won't grow when there's porky pies being told... I think I'm going to start knitting and begin collecting cats, as I'm coming to the sad realisation that maybe love and relationships just really aren't worth the hassle or the heartache.

In other news, I never did get my piercing. Realised I didn't quite have the spare cash to be getting things I didn't need. Hoping maybe to get it before Christmas. Urgh, Christmas. I'm very much leaning towards cancelling Christmas this year. No tree, no decorations, no Christmas dinner. What's the point? No-one but me will see the tree or the tinsel draped round everywhere, and no-one but me is going to spend the day putting the damn stuff up in the first place. No point in making a Christmas dinner for one (I'm sure I could find a microwave Christmas meal-for-one somewhere), and I have no family to spend the day with, other than my half sister, who I still haven't even met yet, so I can't exactly crash her Christmas just yet... Unless I get some kind of Christmas miracle over the next couple of weeks, I'm not playing. No-one can make me, and I'm not going to spontaneously combust
 if I don't.

Pff. I hate my bullshit excuse for a life. Where's my contract, I'm sure there'll be an opt-out clause in it somewhere...

Quicky

The latest news before I go to bed - to be expanded on tomorrow. I'd do it now, but it's late, and I want to get into town early-ish to make sure I get good parking.. :

• I'm still single and man-less. And I've decided I like it that way. 

• My trip to town in the morning may involve another piercing. My 15th... 

• I'm pretty sure I've decided I want to move house. Somewhere down south. Somewhere I can have a completely fresh start. New people, new places, new memories - and none of the old ones. 

• Having lost just over a a stone and a half since last Xmas, I now have a choice of four/five dresses to wear to our works Xmas do. Much better. Much happier. Starting to actually feel a bit sexy again.

• I need a better form of spider-removal/prevention. Two huge spiders in the space of a couple of days has been almost too much to handle. And I'm not getting used to it. 

The right decision, for a change

The short version - I finished with Mr I-Thought-He-Could-Have-Been-Perfect. I had had enough of the slight rudeness, the arrogance, and the, well, shortness... I felt he was getting more attached, and I was getting less, I dunno... interested. So anyways, I sent him a text Monday afternoon, asking if I could go over after work. I never go over there, I guess that's why he immediately asked what was wrong. Well I couldn't tell him what I needed to on a text message, so I just said I needed to see him. Next thing I know, he's saying he reckons he knows what I have to say. Then asks me outright if I'm going to break up with him... So I tell him I'm sorry, but yes... Then I get told not to bother going round, as there's nothing I can say that he wants to hear. I've not had a reply since. Despite asking if he wants me to drop off the stuff that he left at his. Even offered to drop it round his parents if he didn't want to actually see me.
Childish jerk hasn't even got the decency to reply.

Ah well, back to the drawing board.

On the plus side though, I've seen some new pics of Fraz, and he looks, well, fucking stupid springs to mind. He's grown his hair and his silly goatee out (it's not even a thick beard, just looks like super long animal pubes...). I know, it sounds like I'm deliberately being bitchy as some form of denial because I'm still desperately in love with him. Thing is, I've suddenly realised I'm not. And I never used to really fancy him in a 'omghe'ssohot' kind of way, but now I see him and think 'ew'. It's good - it's helped me to get over him more in the past week than anything over the past 8 months has... I even just saw him on POF just now (no idea how, I blocked him so he didn't come up in my searches/etc), and I was suprised, but there was no heart-wrenching sick feeling like there was before when I saw him. Sure I'm still sad that we had something good and it was poisoned, but I don't miss it. I think I've finally found my peace. There's still a bit of work that needs doing, but it's there. It feels good.

In other news, I never did go for that drive into the Dales. Partly because I needed the weekend away from Mr Not-Perfect, and mostly because as a 200mile round trip, I simply couldn't afford the petrol. Gutted that I missed out. Just bought new tyres though, so at least that's one expense sorted out. Just need to save up for the back pair doing. Although they're not as bad as the fronts were, so I can get through the winter on them at least.

Next issue, what the fuck to do for Christmas.... I'm single, so no boyfriends parents to go to. My mum lives in Greece, and no chance of getting there. And I have no other family. I don't even have any friends that I'm close enough to that I'd be happy gatecrashing in on theirs (or that would ask me in the first place). So, Christmas alone with my gerbils it is then...
Now there's something to get truly depressed about...

Dara and more see-saw

So I had a pretty awesome weekend. Me and Mr Maybe-Perfect went down to Sheffield to see Dara O'Briain. I've never been to any kind of live gig before ever, and Dara is totally my all-time favourite comedian, so Mr M-P bought us tickets a few weeks back. It was fab. I love Dara more now than I did before (no, not in some weird stalker-type way). Definately want to see him again. And Mr M-P? Yeah, I still definately want to keep seeing him too. He's lovely. How could I not want to keep on seeing him? Sure I have niggles. But that's all they are, little niggles. I'm sure he has little niggles too. As long as the little niggles don't turn into great big lumbering problems, it's all good.
So we went out for lunch on Sunday with his mate Dave (everyone really does have a 'Dave' in their life don't they?!), just to a local pub, but it was great. He paid, again, which, again, made me feel slightly uneasy because I like to pay my way and not ever seem like I'm taking advantage, but at the same time, really happy that he's such a gent. I know they're rare to come by. Another reason why I don't want to give him up just yet. Plus, it's only been a month. Surely I need to give this more time to see where it can go before making a rash decision. I will not let my fear of getting hurt again decide my furture. If I do, I'm letting that lying scottish wanker win, again. Fuck that. 

So no other plans for this week, other than a drive up into the Dales on Sunday. Yes it's the Korean GP on Sunday, but it's on from 6am til 9:45, so I'm hoping I can get that in before even leaving the house. Be nice to just drive out somewhere nice for the hell of it. There's about 10 of us going (Mr M-P included), so it should be fun. Just hope the weather isn't its usual self and decides to piss down all day. That won't make it much fun. Especially as I badly need new front tyres, and won't be getting them replaced for another week or so. I know to be careful though. And if it rains that badly, I'll be a typical girl and not go cos I don't like getting wet... If it's nice though, I'll make sure to get some pics. Apparently there's some awesome views round there. Don't worry, I'll share.

Emotional see-saw

So things with me and Mr Maybe-Perfect are going ok still. Found a few niggles, though nothing serious. Like, he comes round to mine on an evening or at the weekend, and he'll just make himself a coffee without asking. Sure he'll ask if I want anything too, but that's not the point. I find it kinda rude that there's no 'do you mind if I...'. And I never stated he could help himself, he just, did it... And the other night he was round, and the doorbell went. He just went and answered it... Didn't ask if I wanted him to... I don't know whether I'm being really pedantic over this, but I do find it really rude... I'd certainly never do that in someone elses house. Plus, I'll make dinner, and he'll have a gigantic plateful that's more than double what I have... I don't know where he puts it. That annoys me too.

So yeah... I'm not sure whether 'this' is going to be going anywhere or not... the height issue still niggles at me too. Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship at all. I still don't feel like I can truly open up and allow myself to have those kinda feelings. Plus, I found out the other day that Fraz was having a house party last night for his birthday on Monday. Kinda upset/annoyed me, cos I'd spent the whole of yesterday sat at home on my own, bored out my head. Even if I wanted to have a party, who the fuck would I invite?! Pisses me off that he wouldn't have any friends down here to invite if it wasn't for me. And why the fuck should his life be working out just fine, and mine still sucks.
Yeah, I have a lot of anger issues towards him still.

That wasn't the plan

After dwelling on it all last night, and all today, I just rang Mr Maybe-Perfect to finish it... After 20 minutes I found myself starting to believe that he didn't say 'that', and maybe I did mishear... After another 10 minutes I was agreeing to keep on seeing him and get to know him, as apparently then I'd see for myself that he's just not the type of person to lie and bullshit about anything, let alone this, and even his mates would tell me that....

I was worried I'd be throwing away something that could be epically good, over something I couldn't be 100% sure of, but I told myself the risk of being hurt trumped the risk of something epic. What's a few months though, just to see? If anything else comes up, then we're done, and he's already aware of that. If it doesn't though, I may just have that something epic... And sure, I may end up with a broken heart again, but I've fixed it so many times before, what's once more... Just need to stock up on sticky-tape and blu-tack...

...Wha...?!

I'm more confused, baffled, freaked out and speachless then I can ever remember being...

So Mr Perfect Not-So-Perfect came round tonight before heading off to work. While I'm there cooking up some sweet and sour, he asks if he can ask me something (yes, I replied with the typical 'well you just have...'). He asked what were my two apologies for on Sunday - he knew one was for not spending the afternoon together, but was confused at the second.... So I said it was because I didn't reply to him. A look of confusion swept accross his face - reply to what? Well, I said, in the morning, when you said, y'know... Still the confusion remained.... When you said 'I love you' and I didn't reply... I never said that!.... He was adament that he never said it - wouldn't ever say it after a week....

Ok, so either one of two things have happened. Either he's right and never said it, and therefore I must've imagined it, lost my marbles completely and now portraying myself as some looney who hears voices....
Or he's back-tracking and trying to cover up the fact that he used the L word which wasn't reciprocated, and now has to create some bullshit to cover it up....

I don't like either scenario. I especially don't like the second one as it means that I have to finish with him, and fast. There is no way on this earth I'm getting stuck with another guy who thinks lying is a viable option and who makes me question my own mind. I mean, is is even possible I could have imagined it?! Why the hell would I! And why at that exact moment?! And why has it taken him two whole days to question the 2nd apology?! Something doesn't add up...



Unless I can find some scientific proof that shows I imagined it, or that maybe he said it and honestly can't remember, I've just achieved a new record for my shortest relationship....



Fuck. I really liked him too...

That 'oh shit' moment

Last night was awesome. I arranged a night out some of us from work - originally there was supposed to be 15 of us, but after people dropped out last minute there were just 7 of us that actually made it. We went to a Thai/Chinese place in town - I'd never been before, but some of the girls had and said it was a decent place to go. The food was really nice, and the service was spot on (well I'dve been pissed off if it wasn't, there was only our table in there for an hour, and only 3 tables when we left!)
After that, we hit the town. Some went home early, and it ended up being me, Mr Perfect, Kate from work, and her daughter Becca. We stayed out for another couple of hours, and had such a laugh, it was fab!

So from a fab night, so an awkward morning... Mr Perfect stayed round at mine again, and we'd been getting on great. Even Kate had been telling me all night how lovely he was and how pleased she was for me. So this morning, we're there half way through, well, y'know... and he looks at me, and says in this really serious voice, 'I love you'... Shock doesn't quite cover it... I'm lying there, stunned.... I can't say it back, yet he's looking at me, expecting something... How the fuck do I get out of this one?! I can't tell him I love him, becuase I'm not sure I do - those walls are making sure of that, but what am I supposed to say instead?! Thanks?! How about not saying anything... Instead just smiling and burying my head in the side of his neck and carrying on with the task at hand... Although I couldn't concentrate on anything after that, all I could think was that I was a terrible person and god knows what he must be thinking now... As for snuggling afterwards, there was this awkward silence that's never happened before... It was awful. He's not said anything about it, and neither have I, but I feel I need to apologise, or something... I don't know - I've never had this problem before. When it's been said to me before, I've always been able to say it back.

I'm so very obviously broken...

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

I sent him a text earlier, apologising for not dealing with it a bit better or at least saying something... I explained I was just a bit suprosed and didn't quite know how to react, and that I'm scared shitless of opening up and getting hurt again. Told him I didn't want him to think I wasn't into him/us, cos I really am, and that I loved spending time with him, and it'd just take a bit more time before I was in 'that' place...

That was a 6:30...

I sent him another at 10:00 simply asking if we were ok...

I'm still waiting for a reply...

I know, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the lack of reply. But he always replies, always texts me no matter what he's doing... This is out of the ordinary, and it's too much of a coincidence for me to not be worried. In fact, I actually feel physically sick...


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

...and just as I'm writing that last paragraph, guess who starts ringing me..! Aparently he fell asleep - I know it sounds weird - but he works nights, so has a really crappy sleep pattern. As he's on a 12hr night shift tomorrow he was getting some sleep in to make sure he'd be awake for work. Anyways - he says everything is fine with us, he knows it's only been a few weeks, and completely understands where I'm coming from, and that he isn't going anywhere. Said if there's ever a problem he'll say, not play mind games and not talk to me for hours. So looks like we are ok after all. I can go to bed and not stress about all this now.

A tall order

Well haven't things changed in the space of just a few weeks... Let me fill you in.

I had a date the Sunday after my last head-fuck post - just a coffee in town. Was really nice. In fact, it was so nice, that a quick coffee turned into a long coffee, which turned into going bowling for a couple of hours. He even asked if I fancied going for some food too (I declined that offer, as tempting as it was). It was fab. He is an absolute gentleman, and we have absolutely everything in common. There's only one small problem... he's about half an inch shorter than me, and I'm just under 5'5 (so not quite the 5'7 he had on his profile - the next Mr Man looks to be a Mr Small, although that maybe implies other shortcomings... Maybe this is my Mr Perfect after all....). Ok, so maybe the height difference is axagerated by the fact that Mr Tall was just that - really tall, but still... can I get over this? I've never dated a guy thats shorter than me. They've all been taller - even if it's been half an inch, it's been half an inch in the right direction.
Anyways, I told myself he was far too good to simply ditch him over a little height issue, so we arranged to go out to dinner the following weekend (this last Sat gone). Again, it was a fab evening. We went to a lovely Chinese place in Liversidge, the food was amazing, and there was no awkward silences at all. Afterwards we went to a pub for a drink (original intention was some games of pool, but that soon came to an end when the white ball got lost in the table).
That led to arranging to meet up on Sunday to watch the F1. That led to him staying over at mine Sunday night... Which last night, ended up in us becoming an official 'couple'. Yep, it's happened.
He seems totally smitten with me (fuck knows how), and says all the right things - that he misses me/that he can't wait to see me/that he thinks I'm beautiful/etc. I want to be smitten, but I can't help being terribly aware of this wall I still have up. I'm hoping it'll just take some time to get rid of it and stop feeling like I'm holding back all the time. Just have to see I guess.

My weight plateau seems to be shifting again too, not by much, but finally it's dropping again. My goal is to lose another stone by May. Then I can go out to see my mum and be happy to go down to the beach in a bikini. That'd make me happier than ever. I'm still chuffed I've lost a stone already. It's only taken me 8yrs to finally start sorting my weight out, but thank fuck I have.

-untitled-

Well I managed to get myself out of, whatever it was the other weekend. I had a mate come up from London for the whole weekend. Was nice to have some company and have a laugh for a change. Certainly pulled me out the depths of despair and wallowing. Still teetering on the edge though.

Fuck it, can't even manage to get the stuff in my head into words now either... TBC...

That dark place

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... I've been down and miserable all day, and finally ended up in tears... I'm so fucking lonely I guess... I've never minded my own company and not having a large group of mates to hang out with, but it's not that kind of lonliness. I miss having someone special. I miss that companionship. I even miss Fraz to some extent. Well, I miss the good stuff we had at least. I miss what we could have had. I think I'm still so messed up from that.

Last week I told Mr Tall it was over. I'd had enough of feeling like nothing more than company and that 'we' were going nowhere. This seemed to be the kick he needed to realise he does actually really like me and doesn't want to lose me... so we've dragged it out another week, and again this weekend I told him it was over. Now I've realised it's not just the uncertainess that was getting to me. I've realised he's just not the one. Bless him he's tried so hard to convince me just to stay with it a while longer. If only J or Fraz had done the same.

So now I'm really alone again. Mr Persistant is still at it. I'm trying my best not to be rude and a complete bitch in telling him to fuck off. I guess sleeping with him a few weeks back wasn't the best idea. Although he's said tonight he realises that I don't want any relationship with him and we're just good friends. Meh.

I hate myself and my life so much, and I hate that I never do anything about it. Truth is, I don't know where to start. The ideas I have to try and change things involve money, and fuck knows I don't have any of that spare. Loosing weight has ground to a halt. Thankfully it's staying constant, but it's been the same since about May. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how far I've come, but I'm only half way.

Doesn't help that now K at work is pregnant. It was hard enough dealing with our MDs wife J pregnant, and her bringing the baby in every few days, leaving it in our office... That was fucking tough... Now I've got to put up with K every day for the next 8-9months going on about babies and pregnancy and all the stuff that comes with it... then I have to deal with her bringing it in and everyone cooing over it like its the most amazing thing ever. It's not been a week yet and I already want to cave her head in. Or mine. It dredges up the past like it was yesterday. I would've thought that after 10, fuck, yeah... 10 years it would've be forgotton, be easier to deal with... Apparently not. Seems this torturous guilt will be with me forever... Will it ever get easier?! Will it ever stop feeling like my heart is being ripped out... And how the hell am I supposed to be around her?! I don't want her to feel like I'm being so cold and heartless about it all, but I can't tell her why... I can't tell her the reasons I can't deal with it... I don't want anyones pity or sympathy. I don't deserve it. I just want to be able to forget... I still wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up... Things are just so pointless... I'm just so pointless... I've achieved nothing and have nothing to show for my pathetic life. Only my mum would really miss me, and I've not even seen her for about 3yrs now. Yeah it's selfish, it's a cowards way out blah blah.. I don't give a shit. I've been feeling like this since I was 17. I've had enough of it. I can't take any more feeling so hurt and empty...

Fuck the cats and the knitting... where's a shotgun when you need it - put me out of my misery...

There goes another one...

So, Dai is now married. Another one to add to the list of exes who have found perfect happiness after me. I'm still searching. Fucked off with being messed around, treated like shit, lied to and not cared about. When the hell is it my turn to have some of that blissful happiness...?

Fuck it - I'm getting a cat and learning to knit...

Running companies and running scared

Well last week was interesting. I took a couple of days off work, partly because I was full of cold and feeling miserable, and partly because I was just generally feeling miserable. I realised I had been slightly overspending lately, and there was a risk of being the wrong side of my overdraft. This, coupled with the thought of spending god knows how long still working for shite wages, and not knowing when things were going to get better just got the better of me. Anyway, feeling slightly better about everything in general, I dragged myself back into work on Wednesday.
My mood dropped again when our MD asked if I had a moment for 'a word'. Never the words you want to hear, especially after having just had two days off work sick...
Turns out, I actually hadn't done anything wrong or pissed anyone off. Our company is actually a group of companies - one of which currently has no-one running it as the lady who was in charge had to take early maternity leave. This is where I come in. I've been asked to run the company! It's only a very small company, but still. I get more responsibility, less time scratting around for things to do in my normal job, and to top it off - more frickin money!! Not only has this made me feel better about my job and life in general, but it's sorted out my money issues too!! Trouble is, I'm already spending the extra money I haven't yet even got. I'm hoping the new purchase of Battlefield will keep me entertained enough to keep me off of ebay... If not, I'm going to have a new pair of straighters, two perfumes, a Logitech G700 gaming mouse, and a gaming headset...


On the Mr Tall front, I keep being scared. Scared of getting in too deep and getting my heart broken. Scared I'm getting in too deep and he doesn't feel the same. Scared of getting in too deep and realising I don't want to get in too deep. Scared that my insanity is going to leak out and Mr Tall is then going to be scared, and I'll never see him again... I wish my head was less unstable.
It doesn't help that on Friday night we went round to his friends house to watch the footy. I was dosed up on flu drugs, so was driving, and the only one there not drinking. When we got home and snuggled up, I could have sworn he was whispering those three little words in my ear - several times... I'm only not 100% sure as I had taken a couple of nytol, so despite being partly awake, I was almost fully comotose, therefore I whatever I did or didn't hear has no reliability. Plus the fact that he was very drunk means that whatever he did or didn't say, has no weight to it. Although, if he said it while drunk, maybe he means it inside but is too nervous to actually say anything... Anyways - he doesn't remember saying it, and I've not mentioned it, so I guess I won't know for sure.
Trying to stay cool about this whole 'non-relationship' (as it still hasn't become 'official') and not be some clingy girl eager to make it official is really hard. I so badly don't want to scare him off, yet sometimes I feel I may be coming accross as too cool and making it seem like I'm not too bothered... Why the hell hasn't there been a rule book for this. People have been dating and courting for centuries - surely there must be some fundamental do's and don'ts I'm obviously missing out on... I'm betting one of them is 'Don't overthink things too much'.... Doh... My only chance, wing it and see what happens. I've never been very good at winging it.... Maybe I can find some wings on ebay...

Stumbling in the dark

So that would make it now four weekends in a row I've spent with Mr Tall. Needless to say, things are going well. Stanford (despite the horrendous weather as is traditional on a Bank Holiday) was a big success, and my man saved the BBQ and made fire! Everyone was very impressed and we got mistaken for a proper couple many a-time. Not only that, but neither of us corrected the presumption. That made me smile.
Later on, we were having a wander round the cars, and I saw Fraz walking round  and I saw him look at us... Me and Mr Tall were already huddled under a brolly, but holding hands and looking, I imagine, 'couple-y'. Fraz saw that. I hoped it was hurting like a thousand burning knives. That made me smile too.
I also found his axle-stands in the garage - the ones we both (honestly) thought weren't in there. Apparently they were. Ah well, guess I'll be keeping those then seeing as the twat couldn't even be bothered with a reply the last time I tried getting in touch with him (after finding him on POF, I needed him to reply to my email so I could block him, and therefore stopping him from popping up on any of my search results/matches etc. All it would take is an email reply. Not war and peace, not a full-blown conversation. Just a reply. Took me 2 emails and a text for him to finally reply to shut me up. Not that I've been back on there since Mr Tall turned up, but you never know when I'll be needing to go back on again.

At least I finally told Mr Persistent that it's completely off. I'm not sure he completely understood why, but he knows I just want to be friends and nothing more. That's one less hassle to deal with. Well, it would be, but he's still being, well, persistent - inviting me down, trying to get me to change my mind... I'm finding that ignoring him seems to be the best way of making him see I'm serious. I should be flattered, but I'm not at all. I'm just fed up with him not listening or taking no for an answer.

Anyways, it seems my head-fuck is resurfacing again. I'm almost certain I'm being paranoid and reading far too much into things yet again. But I'm keeping it well hidden this time. There's no way I want to scare Mr Tall off. To me, things between us seem to be heading in the 'relationship' direction. Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no rush to define 'us' just yet and put any kind of label on whatever we are. I guess it's just nice to be thinking of 'us' in that way, despite the fear that I'm going to get my heart broken all over again. Anyways, I had a stark realisation yesterday that he might not be seeing us that way at all. In fact, he might just be seeing me as a bit of fun... A bit of company... Nothing serious at all. In fact, just thinking about it (yet again) makes me realise I am being really stupid. It's only been a few weeks (and only a few weekends at that), and neither of us want to rush into anything. I'm looking for that acceptance, the validation, that I'm wanted. It's too soon. I know it's too soon, yet my heart is looking for it already. I'm not even certain I want to be in a relationship just yet. Maybe that's just the scared part of me projecting that though. If I'm not in a proper relationship, I can't get hurt. If I don't allow myself to fall in love again, I can't have my heart torn apart. I feel like I'm in the dark, spinning around, with no idea how to stop spinning, and no idea which direction to go in.
I just know I don't want to be completely alone...

Hopefully optimistic

Had a bit of a crash the other day though - saw Fraz on POF... Totally wasn't expecting that... Can't believe he thinks he's ready for another relationship already when there's no way he'll have sorted out his problem... If it is a problem... Maybe that was just another lie to make excuses for what he did... Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, but I can't help it hurting just a little that he's looking for someone else. I know, I know - I've been looking for someone else for months, but to start with it was the only way I found I could deal with what had happened. I wasn't ready to start something new, but I needed that attention and affection to validate myself all over again. I'm in a much better place now. Just wish that he didn't keep popping up every time I manage to forget about him... Really hope I don't see him at Stanford, or the urge to smash his face in may get the better of me... But then, I hope I do see him, cos then he'll see me with my Mr Tall. I won't know if he'll be happy for me or utterly devastated, but in my mind it'll be the latter, and that'll make my day...

Well the weekend with Mr Tall went as well as I hoped. Things are really comfortable with us, which is great. After the F1 quali on Saturday we went and sat by the canal for a few hours in the sun - talking and tanning, it was fab. So why can't I help that niggling doubt that keeps telling me it'll fall apart... That he'll decide I'm not good enough... That he'll lie to me... Why? Cos I'm damaged... I know that not all people are the same. I know there are good, honest people out there. I know that I usually end up for the ones that aren't. I'm so scared of being emotionally torn apart all over again, yet I know it's worth the risk. I know that somewhere there's that perfect match for me. I don't believe in there being just one true love for everyone, though it's still a needle-in-haystack scenario... Well if you don't search, you'll never find... I'm not giving up just yet. I may just be surprised and find Mr Tall is actually my Mr Perfect...