Mayday

I've not felt the need to write for so long, but now the need has overwhelmed me. I can feel I'm going down, and I'm going down fast...

My motivation for the gym is in tatters. The numbers on both the scales and the tape measure have been gradually going in the wrong direction since I started in March. In the beginning, I was trying to convince myself it was fat being burned, and muscle being gained. I didn't fully believe this, as I couldn't possibly be gaining muscle so soon after starting, but I plodded on. I found some Les Mills classes that I enjoyed - Bodypump especially, and got my motivation back for a while. But the magic numbers still weren't changing for the better. I asked for help and advice on a fitness website, and it was suggested that maybe I wasn't eating enough for the amount of exercise I was doing. It made sense, in a round about way. So I upped my calorie intake - not by much, just a little. In the two weeks of trying that, the scales were going up faster, and I didn't like it.

Right now, I've not been to the gym since last Monday. I have no desire or motivation to go, and whats even worse, is I've been back eating KFC, Chinese, bags of chocolate at work, or having sausage butties/bacon turnovers for brekkie... I daren't even look at the scales right now, let alone touch them. I'm so miserable, and feel like I'm a complete failure. I want to lose weight so badly, but even exercising and eating right isn't working!! What the hell am I meant to do?! Part of me is yelling at me, telling me not to just give up, or I'll go backwards even faster, and have even more to work off, but the rest of me has already given up. What's the point? Maybe I'm just not meant to be slim and happy.

I originally had 5 months to lose between 15-20lbs. 5 months for fucks sake. That's around 20 weeks. I now have only 7 weeks left, and have put on around 6lbs since I started gymming in March. I feel fat and horrible, and I'm absolutely dreading going on holiday. I'm dreading it even more as it'll be the first hol me and the OH have together. I'm not keen on being in my undies in front of him for longer than I have to, how the hell am I supposed to tackle a bikini for hours on end at the beach/pool/etc...?! He tells me he loves me and my curves, but he's supposed to tell me that. He's be a terrible boyfriend if he told me the truth - that I wobble in the wrong places and I look like a hippo in a bikini.

I hate that my weight is such an overbearing part of my life. It's literally all I can think about sometimes. I read these stories of girls who were 200lbs, and they slimmed down to a size 6 over a year, and I can't help but hate them. All they did was eat right and exercise. Well I did that and gained weight. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong and why I'm not losing anything?!?

I'm tempted to go back to using a personal trainer at the gym, and try weight training to see if I can build muscle to lose the fat. I love my Bodypump classes, which is all various weight lifting exercises, so I might be able to get into some proper lifting. That'll be another £30 a session though. Surely it'll be worth it, if it works. I need to do something though, and fast... These last couple of days I've started feeling that hollow, empty feeling again... The one that makes me feel like I'm just existing. Just going through the motions of getting from day to another. I don't want this to affect my relationship. I want to be confident and happy. I want to live.

But right now, I just want to curl up in a ball with a big bag of chocolate buttons, and cry my heart out. I can't talk to anyone about it, and the OH doesn't understand how I feel inside to make me feel any better. This is all down to me to sort out. I best start getting my head round the idea of being fat on holiday, again.