Resurrection

Before you begin reading this post, I'd like you to put away your condemning looks, head shaking, and general disapproving tones. Trust me, I've chastised myself enough already.

The break-up lasted for a total of three days. See, I warned you to put that look away.

I still hadn’t had any reply from him by Friday. The soft-centred part of me was getting a bit worried, as I hadn’t seen him active on one of the forums he spends most of his spare time on. This for him, was highly unusual. I’d noticed he was online, so sent him a message. Nothing lengthy, just saying hi, seeing if he was ok, and telling him I wished I could do something to help. Well, I got a reply. He hadn’t been to work Thursday or Friday, and apparently hadn’t slept hardly at all either. Well that made me feel a whole load better. Anyway, we talked about stuff, and I said I’d go round on Saturday to talk stuff through. I told him there were no guarantees that I would change my mind or that we’d get back together. All I wanted to do was talk and clear the air so that he at least understood more where I was coming from and why I felt the need to do what I did.

So I went round, and we talked for a few hours. I told him exactly what bothered me about ‘us’ – his narcissism, being smothered, his past, our arguments getting way out of hand, and the fact that I didn’t feel the way I should about him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I wanted to be completely honest. After all that, he still wanted to be with me. He said it didn’t matter if I didn’t feel the same as he did, because I make him happy and that’s all he wanted. He thought I’d maybe feel the same way after some more time. I told him I wasn’t so sure about that…

One thing we did discuss made a lot of sense. I’ve been unsure about this from the start – mainly due to not wanting to get hurt all over again. Because of this, he’s been super-affectionate to try and reassure me and make everything ok. I’ve felt smothered and suffocated, so I’ve backed off. I back off, and he then gets worried, so gets even more affectionate to compensate. Again, I feel more smothered, and back off even more... I do feel like that’s exactly what’s happened. Because I keep backing off, I can’t even begin to have proper deep ‘I love you’ feelings… So, he’s promised to give me more space – by both being less clingy when we’re together, and not whining so much if he can’t see me or I want to see a friend instead of him. That weekend turned out to be the loveliest weekend we’ve spent together for ages. We didn’t really do anything special, but it was just nice. The week that followed, I actually found myself missing him a little. Well that’s a first, so must be a good sign. This weekend I went over as normal, and again, it was really nice.

I still have some reservations, but there’s enough good stuff here to see how things go. As for the bad stuff, well it’s out in the open now (apart from one little thing, that I’m not sure if it’s my place to bring it up or not), and it’s been talked about and compromises made. Plus, he’s honest. Ashamedly I have read his facebook messages, and it’s all completely sound. One of his mates (a girl) asked him to look at a bra she wanted his opinion on before buying, and he didn’t even want to look at it – saying something about not being right to try and imagine her in it. A far cry from the days with Fraz… I know he has a colourful past when it comes to ‘relationships’ (however they may be described), but I do feel I can trust him, and I am starting to believe he really isn’t interested in looking at anyone else, for any reason. Whatever other problems we may have, I need to be with someone like that right now. I need to restore some of my faith in the male species.
I know everyone, men and women included, can be unfaithful. Hell, I was once. I was young and stupid and I learnt from my mistakes though. I’m not still doing it now when I’m old enough to know better. Being able to trust Mr Tall though is such a big thing for me. No matter the other niggles, and whether this still only lasts for a few more months, I need that trust. He needs me to make him happy (he believes). We’re both getting something out of this still.

Only time will tell whether that’s enough, whether it develops into something more, or if it’s all going to fall apart again.