R.I.P

It's done. We're done.

We had another argument over the weekend. It started as a good night - we went out to see the new Star Trek film with L & F, then went on for some drinks. Mr Tall got into his usual drunken state of telling me how much he loved me and wants to marry me one day (every time, the same lines). We got back in the early hours, had a minor disagreement about a girls t-shirt that I found on his floor (it was brand new - tags still attached and never been worn. He said his dad (who lives in France) had sent it over as a present from Disneyland for an ex) and we went to bed. Cos of the drunkeness, he was still pawing me and asking if I was ok (I actually really was ok, just needed sleep). He kept going on and on, and I snapped and stomped into the living room. We argued, and he snapped too - told me to get out. I said that was fine and started packing up my stuff. Then he realised what he said and kept trying to stop me - kept grabbing onto me. I told him to get off over and over. He never listened. There was some pushing and struggling and my hand accidentally connected with his face... I was just trying to pull my arm away. We carried on arguing, which eventually turned into talking, and I stayed, but it wasn't right. That was the last straw. I knew then this couldn't go on. The other stuff I could maybe learn to deal with, to ignore. But arguments turning violent is not something I will ever put up with.

So now he thinks I've just been using him/messing him around and I'm a cold hearted bitch for just ending it so suddenly. I think I might continue letting him think that. If he believes I'm a bitch then this'll be easier to deal with and accept.
Problem is, the last text he sent me asked if I was going to go round before he ended up doing something stupid that can't be undone... I've tried asking what this 'something stupid is' but I'm getting no reply. I'm hoping he's just trying to play games and make me worried so I change my mind.

Ok, so I just messaged one of his mates on FB that I know he's been speaking to about, all 'this'. She says he's drinking beer and playing PlayStation. Doesn't sound like his threat was suicidal then. He probably meant try and get off with some random girl as a rebound thing. Or maybe he just meant to worry me, with no intention of doing anything. Well, he's not my responsibility. He can do what he likes now. As can I.

Yes we had some really nice times, and were pretty good in lots of ways. But the ways we wern't so good together were too big and too ugly to ignore or put up with. I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us, I really am. I hoped this could have been 'it'. And I tried. I really tried. You can't make yourself love someone though, and the more time I spend being 'us', the more I realise it just won't happen.

Back to the drawing board I guess... but just not yet. Time to be single. Again. Fuck, I'm going to be old and lonely with cats.