Hiding in the Shadows
No-one knows I'm here...
Monday, May 13, 2013

Phantom Pheelings

Turns out my 'revelation' wasn't much of a revelation. I'm back to not being sure whether I love Mr Tall or not. I do like him a hell of a lot, but man he pisses me off sometimes. He has this, arrogant, narcicistinc side that I absolutely hate. But he seems to be absolutely besotted with me. Even to the point where a couple of times I've had to ask him to back off because I've simply felt so suffocated. Yeah, I know, I crave love and attention and affection, and then when I get it, it's too much and I want less.

A couple of weeks ago he 'moved in' with me. It was planned as a temporary thing for 3 weeks, just to see how things go. Turns out, it didn't go so well. After two weeks I'd had enough and told him I needed space. Was it too much too soon? Was I simply realising that I didn't want him as much I hoped I did? Was he behaving differently so that I felt so smothered I just simply couldn't breathe any more? Well the last one was definately true. So this weekend I went over as usual, but I was all prepared to break up with him. I'd decided we both wanted/needed different things from a partner. He needed someone who needed as much togetherness as he did, and I needed someone who had their own life outside of 'us' and could bear to spend one night in seperate beds (long story - I needed sleep, he was keeping me awake with his figeting, I went to sleep in the spare room for one night, we fell out and argued for 2hrs, which lasted a whole weekend. Apparently he just can't sleep at all without me there...).

Anyway, that Friday night I went over, and I could tell it wasn't going to be easy. By Sunday night I had decided to at least give this another week... Bollocks. I don't think I love him, and I don't see myself being with him at all long-term. So why the fuck can I not just break up with him?! It can't be just for the sex, because although it is pretty good, I don't always get mine, so just end up feeling a bit used just so he can get his. Am I just scared of being alone again? I do like having the attention and having someone think I'm awesome (this is weird, so far, all my recent ex's have all told me at some point I'm awesome - that exact word. If I'm that awesome why the hell am I not with Mr Perfect?!), and yes, it is nice having someone spend money on me like he does (although that is definately not the reason I'm staying with him. I could never bring myself to be that shallow). I just can't work it out.

Guess for now I'll stick things out and see how it all goes. See if any feelings develope - love, hate, whatever. Just something would be helpful.


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