Realisations

So after a 2nd night this week of sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow, because life simply isn't worth living without Fraz... I decided today that this has to stop. It's been almost two months. That's far more than he's worth. Yes, we do get on great still (Sunday was spent ripping out my dash, watching the F1, having dinner together. All very civilised, and pretty much as though nothing had happened), but he lies. This is not the type of person I need, or want in my life. Especially not as a partner.


Anyway, onto my 'Realisations'... Yes, I realise I sound a little like a self-help book, but I've realised I need some kind of encouragement to get out of the head-fuck I'm in. Unfortunately, no-one is going to give me that other than me.

• You cannot change what has happened, how it happened, or why it happened. Stop bloody trying! It will get you nothing but stress and frustration.

• The constant lies were a big problem. No amount of trying would have made it easy to live with or forget about. It's a deal-breaker. You deserve better!

• You do not need someone like this in your life. You have managed perfectly well before being on your own. What has changed? Nothing!

• Maybe he's simply 'not that into you'. So find someone who is! He doesn't deserve you pining after him. He certainly doesn't deserve your tears!

• There are so many blokes out there. Some worse, some a lot better. Why simply 'settle' for one who lies and can't think for himself? You're a good, honest, person. You deserve someone who can give you the same in return.

Unexpected

So here I am, watching episodes of Harry's Law, trying to find this weekends F1 to download, and msn blings at me with a message from J! I've seen him signing in/out a few times from his mobile, but never thought to say hi, as I presumed he'd probably deleted me off his list and wouldn't be interested in chatting. Apparently I presumed wrongly.
Wonder if this is just a one-time chat thing... Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get back into anything, but meeting up and hanging out would be cool. Not like we ended on bad terms really. Just have to see I guess...

Too much info?

Aww, what's the matter? You've been quite happily emailing me for the last couple of days, then as soon as I mention I was out last night on a date suddenly you go all quiet... But if you want us to be friends, that's what friends talk about and share... right?!

Hope it hurt like a mother-fucking bitch.

Pain and suffering

I read your email, it hurts.
I read your text, it hurts.
I see your name on a forum post, it hurts.
I see/do something that reminds me of you, it hurts.

I see you, it hurts more than hell.

Conclusion No.2

I'm definately not ok.

Almost 6 weeks later, and I still have no idea where my head is at. I never expected things to be ok just overnight, but surely things should be easier by now... right? If I could just decide where I stand on everything, it'd be a start. I still hate him for what he put me through and how he treated me, but I keep getting pangs of just pure sadness - I miss him. I miss him so much it fucking hurts. But then I don't know if I really do miss him, or if I just miss the idea of 'us' when we were happy. And we were happy 99% of the time. But then I can't trust him... and I don't know if I ever can... Yet everytime I see his name, or anything that relates to him, I get another stab of pain... I just can't stop my head spinning round in circles. It's like a fucking roulette wheel that never comes to a standstill.

I know it'll stop eventually, I mean, it has to. But if it doesn't stop sometime soon I'm going to go fucking crazy... I just have no idea what to do to make it stop. I've deleted him off all my friends lists, I've deleted all the old texts and emails so I can't torture myself by re-reading them a hundred times, I've got rid of everything in the house that could remind me of him... I'm trying to pretend he never existed... But then I can't help but email him asking him for advice about my car, or anything else I can think to speak to him about... I know it's simply making things worse. I know I can't make him say what I need him to say. I know I can't make him tell me how he really feels inside. And I know that even if I did or could, it probably never change anything, other than to mess my head up even more.

I just want to be able to get on with my life without feeling like this. Two years I spent putting all my heart and soul into a relationship. In the end it was all for nothing. Two years of effort for nothing but a broken heart. I should be happy I'm free. I'm not. If I could go back and re-do things, I wouldn't do anything different other than try harder... And I feel so fucking stupid for that. After everything, and I'd still go back and do it again. Fucking prize winning mug... Least I'm good at something I guess...

Conclusion

So I've come to the conclusion that most blokes are complete twats. Not all men, I know there are the odd few decent ones... somewhere...
Two blokes I know are trying to get it on with me - both have gf's. Not only that, but one has kids with her!

When and how did it become ok for so many people to cheat on their other halves?! Why even bother being in a relationship if all you're going to do is see other people anyways?!
I know I wasn't always a saint, and I did my fair share of playing around when I was younger, but I'm proud to say I grew out of that when I realised how much I was hurting the people I was supposed to love, and I've never fallen off that wagon since. But these guys are 30-40... And they've still not grown out of it... (yes, I know - blokes don't really grow up anyways, but that's a different argument).

How the hell is anyone supposed to find a decent, honest bloke when there's so many losers out there?! I'm obviously cused to be single, or in terrible relationships forever...

/endrant

Lesson Learnt

I am officially never going on a blind date ever again. Fact.

Ok, it sounds like today was a huge disaster - that's exaggerating maybe just a little. It was, well, ok. He definately wasn't what I expected. Described as 5'7, stocky ex-rugby player build, good looking - What I got was a 40(ish)yr old bloke, with a huge snozzle, who had seen more beer than rugby in the last 10yrs, and an endless stream of ramble coming out his mouth. Now, I know it could be a nervous thing. It could be - but there's no way it was. He simply talks too much. I did well to get in a 'yeah', 'ah right' etc in before he was off again. ]
My choice of going for just a coffee was a fab idea though - quick coffee, then escape to the excuses of needing to go shopping before places shut at 4pm (which is very true I did need to, and it's Sunday so they do shut at 4). He's asked if I fancy going out (like, night out) next weekend. Thankfully I've already booked my mate in for a coffee catch-up next weekend. Sure, it won't take up all weekend, but still.

Mr Enthusiastic is still at it too - endless texts asking when I'm going to come round etc etc. I feel I need to be a bit forceful telling him in a very unsubtle way to back off, but I'm too nice to do that in a forceful way. So I just keep making excuses why I can't go round. Meh.

Also I think it's safe to say I despise the ex. I feel I've completely wasted the last two years of my life with him, and all I've got out of it is heartache and headfuck. All that I have left for him is hatred and anger. So much so I've deleted him from FB, FF, my emails, phone, and anywhere else. All photo's of him/us/places we went together have also gone. I feel cleansed. I have one last carrier bag of stuff that he's picking up on Wednesday, along with some soft toys that he bought for me. After that, I can pretend he never existed.

On a side note - I've finally got round to downloading Ed Sheeran's album. It's fab. Some of the songs on there are simply beautiful - 'Wake Me Up' being one of them.


And on another side note (some many minutes later) - I seemed to have fixed that godawful comment box thing below. I used to use Haloscan for the nice comment box you could customise to match your blog. Then some eejit thought it would be a good idea to turn it into Echo, and have a huge blank space in place of the subtle linky thing. Well fuck you echo - who's laughing now huh? So sorry if you've commented before, and now it's disappeared, like, forever, but, like, tough... Kay?

2nd Date Lucky?

So I met up with Mr Enthusiastic again last night. To be fair, we've been chatting all week, and he's alright for a bit of banter. I just don't fancy him in the slightest though. Seems to have helped me get over the ex though, so that's a bonus.

Speaking of the ex, I tried calling him the other night. Was trying to unplug the sky box and connect a dvd player, and needed some help on what wires were supposed to go where. Anyways - he never answered. Strange for him, as he always answered his phone. Suddenly he's stopped. Ok, well must be busy. But he's never called back, or text wondering what I was after. He's the one who has wanted to stay friends, yet now he's blanking me! That's fine with me - makes things easier really. So, I've cleared him off every friends list I have, deleted any photo on FB of him, and untagged me in any of his. According to my online profile, we have never met nor existed.
And I feel good about it. Plus I've managed a full week without falling apart over him. I may not be completely back to my old self, but I'm damn close.

In another attempt to reclaim my old self, tomorrow I'm off to Bradford for a sort-of blind date... Weird story actually (and may take some explaining...) So - at work, one of my responsibilities is ordering in stationary and printer cartridges/toners etc. Therefore I get quite a few calls from suppliers offering me their best prices in a pathetic attempt to win the companies business.
A couple of weeks ago I get another one of these infuriating calls - I fob them off the same way I always do, that I'm happy with our current suppliers, but email me your price list and I'll have a look at it. Well, the guy who I spoke to and emailed me said price list hasn't been fobbed off too well. But instead of talking about toners, we ended up email flirting instead... So, tomorrow we've arranged to meet up for a coffee (yes - public place in daytime, I'm not completely derranged). He sounds like a really nice guy, so I have high hopes for this one.
Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow...