Rainy day, sunny day, windy day, snow....
I haven't written for a while. Party because nothing much exciting has happened, and partly because I've not quite known what to write. You see, my head is a little tangled at the moment. My views and thoughts are changing as often as our crazy global-warming weather. It's annoying really, as I finally decide on what I think about something, and before I know it the wind has blown in a different direction, and I've changed my mind. I love J. Well, today I do. Sometimes I wonder if I actually do. Usually the days I'm thinking maybe I don't, are the days when we've fallen out, or he's done something that I feel is a bit out of line. The rest of the time, I love him to bits and can't bear the thought of being apart from him just for a few hours.
Maybe sometimes I'm making too big a deal out of things... like when we're snuggled in bed before going to sleep, he'll lay on his back, and i'll snuggle into his side, with my arm wrapped over him. He'll only put one arm round me - the one on the same side as me. The other arm he keeps by his other arm. To me, this seems a half-arsed hug, as though he can't really be bothered, or isn't that interested. I've tried the occasional big squeeze, whilst telling him I love him, but I only get a one-armed squeeze back. On the few occasions I get a two-armed hug, I tell him it's lovely, trying to hint that he should do that more often.... doesn't work. Like I say, it's a silly thing, and yeah, I think about things too much.
I know on the few occasions we've fallen out (more disaggreements really rather than full blown arguments), the last thing I want is to lose him. I want to sort things out, talk it through nd make it work. But then when I get annoyed at him, I feel he's out of line, and wonder if he's really who I should be with...
If only I knew what feeling like this meant. When I love him, I love him with all my heart and every breath in my lungs. But when I'm annoyed at him, I can't help but think maybe I don't love him afterall.
Maybe only time will tell...
Maybe sometimes I'm making too big a deal out of things... like when we're snuggled in bed before going to sleep, he'll lay on his back, and i'll snuggle into his side, with my arm wrapped over him. He'll only put one arm round me - the one on the same side as me. The other arm he keeps by his other arm. To me, this seems a half-arsed hug, as though he can't really be bothered, or isn't that interested. I've tried the occasional big squeeze, whilst telling him I love him, but I only get a one-armed squeeze back. On the few occasions I get a two-armed hug, I tell him it's lovely, trying to hint that he should do that more often.... doesn't work. Like I say, it's a silly thing, and yeah, I think about things too much.
I know on the few occasions we've fallen out (more disaggreements really rather than full blown arguments), the last thing I want is to lose him. I want to sort things out, talk it through nd make it work. But then when I get annoyed at him, I feel he's out of line, and wonder if he's really who I should be with...
If only I knew what feeling like this meant. When I love him, I love him with all my heart and every breath in my lungs. But when I'm annoyed at him, I can't help but think maybe I don't love him afterall.
Maybe only time will tell...
Posted in the darkness ~
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